Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

Well done.
It's scary to think kids could do this on a wim / follow the crowd.

Unfortunately gender does exist in the second wave feminism sense that boys and girls, men and women, are still socialised into and expected to be different (masculine and feminine). Just go into any toy shop, clothes shop, or consider how programme and games are sometimes marketed. There are things which are seen as ‘for girls’ and ‘for boys’ .
What does not exist, in my opinion, is gender identity which trumps sex as a marker of whether one is male or female, because gender is socially constructed and not material reality. And what is harmful, in my opinion, is the idea that people have a gender identity rather than gender being socially constructed categories imposed on them.

To the OP, it sounds like your son is positioning himself as non-binary as a way of saying he does not see himself as fitting with the socially constructed categories of what men should be. Whereas in reality, men exist and thrive in many different walks of life including in the creative sector and performing arts and do so without being non-binary.

My DD who is older wears her hair short, is quite masculine in how she dresses and just is quite open about being a woman who prefers what is conventionally seen as male styling. She also gets that gender constrains women and men. Non-binary I think actually means reinforcing the gender boundaries (it suggests that people are choosing the inequalities which come with gender hierarchies). But it would be a bit much to expect a thirteen year old to necessarily be that far in their thinking.

I would also say that it really doesn’t matter whether your son uses they/them as long as they are happy and comfortable - regardless of whatever I think on a more conceptual political level. It is what he is going to navigate the world he finds himself in, and for as long as he can talk to you and you listen, then you will be okay. I do know adults who call themselves non-binary and hormones and surgery don’t feature. And I just take on board that they are they/them. The world goes on.

Also finding “coming out as bi” troubling at 11. Just seems a very adult way of terming it somehow.

Yes thats too young, what extra curricular activities has your son been in been involved in during his childhood and teenage years?

What's been his creative club: musical instrument, art?

What's been his social and and skill building club: cubs/scouts, which cadets has he been in since beginning secondary sea, air, army? Has he started work on his Duke of Edinburgh award yet through cadets?

Sport: mountain biking, basketball, football, rookie lifeguard, football, tennis, canoeing, sailing club, athletics - there's lots of sports to try

I take it at 11 your alarm bells rang with sexuality discussions and you cut his Internet time drastically??

Does he have a smartphone with all social media blocked? Do you restrict YouTube, do you have his phone locked with parental controls in the evening so he's had downtime.

If you don't put the brakes on this at 13 years old this is a slippery slope.

He needs a full and interesting life of different in person interaction. I'd be getting him a brick phone for one year and the reassess.

I'd be forcing him to join a creative, social/skill building club and sports club outside of school this week. I'd be forcing him to join school clubs again creative, social and sports. One of each.

I'd make that boy so busy in the real world and so disconnected from online that he'd quickly forget about this.

You're his parent, take charge of this situation before it gets worse. Good luck.

I really agree with this. I think it would just push him into a place where he trusts internet sources etc more than you.
Reflecting on a lot of these responses, I think I would be inclined to have a conversation with him to say he caught you at a bad moment, of course you're supportive. Also maybe explain that although some people who feel like this do so forever, but very many don't and that's ok too.
Ultimately, unless he's old enough and wanting to make permanent changes to his body (which it doesn't sound like), I just think it's a way of expressing his feelings like he doesn't fit in with society's definition of a boy.
As previous posters have mentioned this is an iteration of non conformist culture over the years...goth, emo, punk, think about about Boy George. David Bowie and Robert Smith of the Cure who were/are both happily married.
I think banning internet access will just make the online world even more attractive and the best thing you can do is remain the key people for him to talk about his feelings with.

I don't know if you meant it this way, but this reads very much as though you feel the OP has caused this by not making her son spend every moment of his day doing activities that society associates with masculinity. I suspect this so the sort of thing that he is pushing back against.
I have no gender identity issues, am heterosexual etc and would have hated spending my whole life doing 'girly' things. The fact that there was no expectation on me to be 'girly' from my parents meant I didn't have to query my gender to be myself.

If the culture you are referring to is the ‘trans culture’ then it is in no way comparable to being a goth, punk etc.
Taking hormones, having life changing surgery requiring others to use language which requires thought gymnastics is not what goths or punks did or do.

‘Moderating internet access will be harmful’ said no one ever.

I don’t think that poster made a distinction about encouraging the son into ‘stereotypical’ male interests though. I read it as allowing him to choose the interest but to strongly encourage group activities. And in real life not on line.

I knew I was bi when I was 11. It was back in the 80s, I didn't know the word for it, I just knew liked boys and girls.

I agree, and have pointed out to my children that gender ideology is regressive eg boy likes pink = must be a girl

That got them thinking. No one likes to be old fashioned

"I'd be forcing him", would you Really?

We have a son who is gay and moves in alternative circles, therefore know
quite a lot of non binary young adults who sadly have no contact with their families at all.

My advice (professionally as well as personally) would be to just continue to be his mum, continue to love him. His choices are not your choices but ultimately it's no big deal, he's just letting you know that he is struggling a bit with finding himself and fitting into a (frankly ridiculous) gender stereotype.

Don't make it a big issue and it will all be ok.

OP is talking about gender identity, requiring different pronouns etc. very few people who experience this as a teen will go on to have surgery etc.

Please take this seriously, make sure you figure what he is doing online and get him off line. Have a read of this : https://genspect.org/resources/guidance/guidance-for-parents/

Quite, its like saying a spliff will always lead to heroin addiction

I agree with what you've said here, but as the Cass report points out, a social transition is not a neutral act and can start children on paths that may not be easy to back track from.

So I'd urge the OP to tread very carefully. And it probably is important for society to understand what the more extreme version of gender affirming healthcare (if that's an accurate term) actually involves.

It's very common for an autistic child or a bullied child to adopt a gender identity as there tends to be a group of children who have all identified themselves as part of this tribe and who are ready to love bomb them.

An autistic child searching for a reason that they struggle more than their peers to make lasting social connections is more likely to grab at identity as a reason. It's something that's within their control to change.

They are told on internet quizzes, discussion forums etc that if they have considered whether they are trans then they must likely are.

Here's one such quiz. I googled 'am I trans quiz' and it was the first that came up.
Look how emotive it is. Look how it taps into making you feel understood and vulnerable. Look how many of the questions tune into normal worries and feelings about our bodies, especially as we embark on puberty. It drips with teen angst! ... Oh and according to the result, I'm definitely trans!

https://uquiz.com/quiz/dyY2ZQ/am-i-trans

But I think the bigger fuss and negativity that parents make, would increase the degree to which it is hard to backtrack from. Acceptance and open conversation about the fact that you accept them whether they continue to feel this way or not is surely the best approach.
EDIT meant that more.aboit the responses encouraging OP to reject the request around pronouns etc not the points you raise here.

Questioning your gender is very far from taking hormones and surgery, as dying your hair green is very far from septum piercings and face tattoos

What do you mean the law doesn't allow him to do anything about it? Would you say that about a straight 13 year old? Being Bi, or gay, or straight, is about more than sexual intercourse. You can date, you can kiss. Why WHY when discussing anything other than heterosexuality does it immediately jump only to sex??

Just ask him what does being non-binary actually mean to him ? If he gives you a stock answer eg 'it means I'm not a boy or girl' or 'I'm a boy and a girl', I would say that say that makes no sense at all, so I can't along with it ie (eg pronouns). I would explain that maybe when he is older and understands it better himself, we can talk again.

I didn’t say that it will always lead to surgery but it does sometimes, Comparing the Trans Culture to Goths or Punks is a bad comparison.

I would argue that a majority of trans, NB people do require others to play mental gymnastics to refer to them as either the opposite sex or incorrect plural term. They require others participation, Goths or Punks do not.

The trans movement has also meant women have been displaced in sporting events

The trans movement has opened up dangerous men to identify their way into women’s prisons

The trans movement has lost people their jobs for speaking reality out loud.

I do not recall Goths or punks requiring anyone to change their thoughts or treading on women’s rights.

It is not comparable!

I was responding to a poster comparing Trans Culture to Punks or Goths.

I see your point, but I'm not sure if that's actually how it pans out in reality. I'm not sure there is a one size fits all approach.

But, for context, my cousins child came out as trans in her late teens. Her parents affirmed (gently) and she ended up on hormones. A few years later she decided she wasn't trans after all and she returned to presenting as a woman. But unfortunately there are long term health problems from the testosterone she took. Thankfully she did not have surgery (though she seemed very serious about that for a while).

The non binary path is less obvious, so I'd be slightly less concerned with the long term implications of that. But I tell my cousin's child story as a cautionary tale. I cannot fault how my cousin handled the situation, but the outcome is highly regrettable anyway.

What is a fandom?

Also, what does ‘gender diverse’ mean? Surely it’s just based on outdated stereotypes?

Sure, there are people who associate with their sex stereotypes and there are people who don’t. It’s called personality.

Non-binary isn’t real. Or if it is then we’re all non-binary as personality and interests are not binary.

that we don't feel te need to pretend to be something we're not.
The irony; given that the whole premise of being trans is claiming to be something you’re not.