Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

At the secondary school near me apparently about 6 pupils identify as furries - and have litter trays! This is a blooming joke! The kids are obviously taking the mickey and the teachers are making a fool of themselves by allowing the children to do this! If I were the head teacher I’d say this school is for children not furries so not to return until they stop being so stupid😡

I think it's activists. Trans people should be treated with respect and have the right to be who they are without harassment or prejudice, but others have rights too. It's the activists who push this stuff onto children, and they have enabled men insisting on gender self-declaration so they can access the Marks changing room potentially without being genuinely trans at all, and the activists have also made it possible to infiltrate women's sport.

Normal trans people are not the issue, it's these activists who have zero sense of proportion and care nothing for anyone's rights except their own. If I was trans I'd still be appalled. In fact I know a trans person who IS appalled. The activists won't be happy until they've obliterated all and every sign of male and female in our society.

I remember when I was young, there were several trans figures around and they just got on with their lives. There was a skater at the ice rink I used to go to as a young teen, and he was called Stephanie but was a he. He was probably around 18 but seemed really old to me. We just accepted it as normal, and he was normal. He wasn't talking to us about his gender identity or his gender surgery or how his penis was going to become a vagina.

My friend was asked out by a trans man in her office. Again, he just lived his life. And Haley in Coronation Street was a trans woman, married to Roy, and people just accepted it as normal. I never heard anyone discuss the character, and Haley wasn't some huge trans icon. Of course, that was before social media and before children could access said social media, and then of course endlessly discuss the things they see.

The activists have done their best to destroy childhood, women's sports, women's safe spaces, and to confuse the language. If they cared about being clear instead of just imposing their will on everyone, they'd have campaigned for ze and zir, not they and them. I don't think they're trans activists at all; they don't care if they make trans people look as bad as possible or if their dogma creates problems for them. They're just anarchists by another name.

I thought that had been proven to be a hoax?

I wouldn't exclude a child from education. I'd say, well being a cat doesn't excuse you from learning, so get your paws onto that history book.

I started at 10 and had no idea what it was! I suppose my mum didn’t expect it to happen when I was so young so hadn’t got round to telling me.

Mum
you have done a great job tonight of parenting
and while sick
👍👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👍

I got this from a quick Google:

It's common for pre-teens to become curious about sex and sexuality, and may masturbate in private around the age of 10–11 years old. Boys typically start puberty around age 11.5, but it can start anywhere from 9–15 years old.

Not my child, but my 12 yo niece went through a similar phase. Mum, dad and extended family refused to use the new pronouns and name. Whereas me and DP respected her and tried to accommodate as best as we could.

She eventually grew out of it and while it lasted, we respected her wishes without causing any agro. My theory is that if it's just a trend, then there's no harm to go along with it (providing there aren't any medical or hormonal interventions involved). And if she's actually trans, I'd love for her to know she's supported by her family as earliest as possible.

I appreciate this can be an alarming issue among kids these days, especially ones with autism (like my niece). But I don't think ignoring or fighting it is the answer.

Btw definitely age appropriate for a 11 yo to know who they fancy, whether their sexuality is straight, gay or anything in between.

Same. I don't, obviously, get annoyed with 11-year-olds who think they are non-binary, but I sure have seen a fair number of 11, 12, 13, 14, 15-year-olds and older get annoyed with their peers who claim non-binary and act superior about it. Once a teen girl figures out the unique disadvantages to being female, it's obnoxious to see another female her age claim they're not like her cause 'girls suck' or whatever. The non-binary kids come off as rather obnoxious because they believe they are special sauce and the rest of the kids are sheeplike 'normies'.

I have empathy for all the girls, regardless of who they think they are. They are trying to find their way in a world that is still full of stereotypes and gendered expectations and hyper sexualization of women. We women need to show them the positives of being female and how to be strong, confident and accepting of our unique selves.

Now, give me a grown woman who says she's non-binary and I won't be able to keep my eyes from rolling back into my head . . .

If you were my sister, I'd be livid with you.

@ThatKhakiMoose

I think it's activists. Trans people should be treated with respect and have the right to be who they are without harassment or prejudice, but others have rights too. It's the activists who push this stuff onto children, and they have enabled men insisting on gender self-declaration so they can access the Marks changing room potentially without being genuinely trans at all, and the activists have also made it possible to infiltrate women's sport.

Normal trans people are not the issue, it's these activists who have zero sense of proportion and care nothing for anyone's rights except their own. If I was trans I'd still be appalled. In fact I know a trans person who IS appalled. The activists won't be happy until they've obliterated all and every sign of male and female in our society.

The activists have done their best to destroy childhood, women's sports, women's safe spaces, and to confuse the language. If they cared about being clear instead of just imposing their will on everyone, they'd have campaigned for ze and zir, not they and them. I don't think they're trans activists at all; they don't care if they make trans people look as bad as possible or if their dogma creates problems for them. They're just anarchists by another name.

So you think "activists" and actual trans are different entities, in the main? Who, then, are these activist groups and what is their motivation? Why would they want to destroy childhood?

@Helleofabore

And again I have also not suggested that the OP’s son will ever be considering these surgeries. To be extra clear, I don’t consider the OP’s son to be considering now or in the future having surgical treatment and I did not indicate otherwise.

You posted unnecessary, unsavoury surgical details on a thread about an 11-year-old. What if the OP reads that? There was no need for it, really.

DD went through this phase a few years ago. I told her I'm not calling her by a new name and don't believe she's a boy. I countered every argument she gave and told her she was being manipulated. Thankfully it passed.

I think you handled it well- especially with the flu!! That’s a good basis for saying I’m sorry if you didn’t think I responded right, I just felt so miserably ill I couldn’t think straight with everything aching.
i’d really encourage him in his dancing etc activities, and look for opportunities he might like, shows to go to etc. I’d also start another thread for how to tackle the school since I’d want to go in and say I’m the parent here and you do not fucking hide important stuff about my child here or support them in further transitioning without my knowledge. And there might be a more diplomatic effective approach.

You posted unnecessary, unsavoury surgical details on a thread about an 11-year-old

👆🏻👆🏻

In my nephews and nieces school there are two of them (Ireland). I discussed it with them. The niece goes along with it and is mad at her brother as he and the other boys make a mockery of it. There is no litter tray though. There are also 3 girls claiming to be bi who annoy the boys as they insist on using the boys toilets. But they only do it as a group. This is early years secondary so around age 13/14.

The average age of menarche in White girls has been 12 since at least 1960. Different in other ethnic groups. Both my adult DCs grandmothers ( now in their 70's) had a period at primary school. Look at pictures of QE2 at 12 she was clearly in puberty.

Link here
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26703478/#:~:text=A%20significant%20retardation%20of%20the,occur%20at%2015%2D16%20years.

But vegetarian is defined, it exists in the form of someone not eating meat, even if it’s for a short period.
non-binary doesn’t exist, because we are all either male or female.

I checked with her first and while she wasn't going to do it, she was happy for us to.

Not everyone is the same!

That's all well and good, but he's coming home and trying to compel everyone else's speech which takes a lot of effort when you're a busy mother of school age kids.
My kids were lucky if I called them their own bloody name in the mornings, I'd often call them a mixture of their two names when I was stressed! No way on this earth would I be pussyfooting around trying to make sure I used the right words all the time.
As far as the rainbow gang goes, they can have as many feelings about themselves as they like, I wish them a happy life, but don't get me involved.

Your daughter opens her gob and comments on your sexuality and you allow it and quote it for others to see? Truly, the world has gone mad.

You have to go nuclear with the school about that. They have seriously overstepped their responsibilities there.

Contact with Transgender Trend and Safe Schools Alliance will help, as will Sex Matters. They all have advice over the legal boundaries of this sort of thing. And a summary of the Cass Report, which offers a thoroughly evidenced argument about the harm that “social transition “ can do.

The notion of “non-binary” is a ridiculous response to the entrenchment of sex-stereotyped roles. If your son is concerned about not being “masculine “ enough that is something to talk about with him. Offer him other kinds of role models of non-masculine men.

But he can’t escape his sex. He can challenge harmful or toxic masculine stereotypes - it’s what women have done (often at a great cost to themselves) for the last 300 years.

Can you get him involved in activities in the real world (not online) which offer a variety of role models of different ways to be a man?

And yet, I was responding to a post about non binary people having surgeries. But please, don’t let facts stop you from admonishing me further.

Just to clarify why :

Do you think female non binary people are not having double mastectomies as part of gender affirming treatment? Because I was responding to that post initially.

Do you think that there are not surgeons in some countries offering these other brutal surgeries for male people and that those surgeries are not being publicly discussed on line?

Do you believe that parents should not know that this discussion is happening on line and that these surgeries exist?

Or do you think the OP is not capable of reading a few sentences of information and understanding that it is talking about extreme cases? That it is not directly relevant to their son’s current situation, but to understand from the very beginning of their information gathering that some non-binary people are seeking these treatments and that these treatments are being discussed on line?

And I am not saying the OP’s son has been exposed to the information. I also think the OP seems to be doing rather well considering they are ill and have not had any inkling that they would be having these conversations right at this moment.

We had this at my teen’s school. Where student’s records were being changed with new names and the new names and pronouns were being used without the parents knowing. It happened with three of my friends where they found out months down the track. One found out when the regular progress report was sent with a name that my friend didn’t recognise and opposite sex pronouns.

I know that at least two of those parents got the records changed back to the names as per the birth certificate used to register the child at that school.

However, this was also before the new guidance came out and before the Cass report.

@Chipshopninja

Sorry you’re dealing with this.

I see you plan to speak to school, though I’ve only read your posts not the whole thread so not sure what advice you’ve had. If you need support with references to guidance etc and how to handle school then post on the Feminsm sex and gender board.

In the first instance: https://safeschoolsallianceuk.net/2021/04/16/how-to-complain-to-your-childs-school/amp/

If you’ve got it in you I would be opening up a much wider dialogue with school as to how they are safeguarding gender Questioning children and what they are teaching about sex and gender in PSHE.