Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

At 11, I was blissfully unaware of the concept of sexuality, which is how it should be.

And when I was a child, it was highly unusual for people to start their periods before 13. Or to have breasts, or curves, or anything else puberty-like. I have no idea why puberty comes so much earlier to so many more these days.

I cannot imagine being 11 and being surrounded by all this talk about sex and gender and genital surgery and mastectomies. How absolutely horrible. I'm so glad I was allowed to have my childhood in peace. I'm Gen X, so was probably the last generation to have a childhood. No mobile phones, computers, nothing like that. I was 25 before people had mobiles. Poor children these days, being forced to think about sex all the time. It's so wrong.

I'm sure most kids have experienced a short "crush" on someone of the same sex at that age though - usually someone slightly older and more popular or more talented or more good-looking or more confident than oneself. It's basically just a phase of admiring some quality in them that you'd really like to have yourself though. You want to model yourself on them. Some kids even start following them around and copying their style or way of talking or flicking their hair the same way their "crush" does. It's just a phase though and soon once the hormones actually kick in then the true sexual feelings start, don't they, and it's usually pretty obvious which way they're sending you.

It must be so so confusing for kids of 9 or 10 eperiencing totally developmentally normal same sex role model type "crushes" to be surrounded by all this non-binary labelling crap. All they see are the labels and the "tribes", there is never any discussion with kids about normal developmental phases.

they/them keys others know that person not your “typical male”

Why would others ever even think that every male is a "typical male" though?

Why is that an assumption that even exists and why can't that be challenged directly without having to pretend that you're not a boy or a girl and need special words that only apply to you?

You were an unusual child. I am 62 and there were children starting their periods at 11 and 12 years old when I was young. Puberty does start earlier now though due to better nutrition

That really means a lot tonight. Thank you

A nice change from the he must be being abused, autistic, you're just a shit parent posts

why is autistic in that group of things, it’s not a negative?

Older than your child, but my brothers youngest prefers They/Them.

It's a bit of a minefield as I do slip occasionally unintentionally.

When they told us, we just said we love you and are always here if you need us. It makes not a jot of difference - they are happy with their choices. Equally if they wanted to revert to their original pronouns in the future, that is also fine.

It's sort of like being blonde but telling everyone your hair is achromatic because you're not actually stupid.

No idea what gen x is but I am 40 and had a brilliant unsexualused childhood. Still knew I fancied boys at age 10 or so.

Fancied mean thought about holding hands and having a wedding in the playground. Nothing sexual at all.

I agree.

It only would really be relevant if we lived in a very gender-divided society.

The division in society is on sex and therefore broadly related mainly to biological function i.e. how you piss, how you have sex and reproduce and your physical strength relative to the average in the adult population. This makes the identity "non-binary" pretty defunct and reasonably harmless.

Pronouns can be requested but don't really serve a function and I think once it becomes a normal behaviour to refer to everyone in English as they/them until you know different it could work in everyone's favour.

Because several posters have assumed he is because of this. He isn't

That's why

I find 'non-binary' to be a uniquely exasperating label because there's zero logic to it, no matter how you play it.

If we're talking about sex then no one is non-binary because sex is binary.

If we're talking about gender then surely everyone is non-binary as no one entirely and solely aligns with one set of gender stereotypes.

At this age, I expect he's just confused about the expectations of gender stereotypes. I'd give it as little oxygen as possible, without making it a point of antagonism.

I think you must be misremembering, and we must be similar ages I would guess by what you're saying. I distinctly remember in last year of primary school some poor girl who had developed breasts early have the boys call her a silly name which was very embarrassing for her. People most definitely did start their periods before they were 13! I was in second year of high school and hadn't had my 13th birthday yet. That wasn't unusual at all. Most girls had bras in 2nd year (Year 8 now). Sadly I didn't as am flat-chested 😆. But I had still started puberty at 12. It wasn't early.

You sound like a wonderful mother who is truly trying their best for their son in unenviable circumstances

But that’s not a negative? He may well be.
many children who are ‘coming out’ as non binary and the like are actually autistic

“Research shows that people who do not identify with the sex they were assigned at birth are anywhere from three to six times as likely to have autism spectrum disorder as compared to cisgender people – those who do identify with the sex they were assigned at birth.”

may also be worth looking in to

He isn't.

It has been raised in a negative "let me guess" way earlier in the thread. That's why it's included in the above

If he was, fine. He isn't so I am clarifying that

I'm going to say this one more time and then not commenting on it any further.

He is not autistic.

You don't know me but if he was I would be accepting and supportive of that. He isn't

Just seems an extreme reaction That happier to accept he’s non binary than potentially autistic? I don’t know. anyhow I wish you the best of luck and hopefully he gets through this phase relatively unscathed, the world is a confusing place for children right now.

If it’s of any consolation to you, every single non-binary teenager I’ve taught has reverted to their birth gender by the age of 16-and that’s at least 25 kids.

I do wish we would use ze/zir as neutral pronouns, because they/them is mostly used for plurals. I know there is a singular they/them, but they/them is still mostly used for plurals. If they're co-opted as neutral pronouns, I often have to read something two or three times to discern the meaning. Especially in fiction, things can get really muddy is you think there are more people in the room than there are, or if you think everyone left the room but actually only one did. (Just random examples.) Language is supposed to be as clear as possible.

I have no problem with neutral pronouns, but leave the plurals out of it!

Maybe I'll be the change I wish to see! KhakiMoose is going to do zir cleaning tonight.

a lot of people seem to think that autistic people are groomed into falsely believing they are gay or trans.

it's like they don't know how fucking stubborn we are. you can tell me I'm something I'm not until you're blue in the face, if I don't believe it to be true, you can't MAKE me change my mind.

Maybe OP's son would be OK with ze/zir. And I suppose OP could just say "my child" instead of "son".

@Chipshopninja

Just adding my voice to those saying that there really is no ‘gendered’ interests. Our school had free jazz dance lessons and there were as many boys as girls. The football teams joined the lessons - boy’s and girl’s football teams. There are some amazing male dancers of all genres.

My husband did performance from a small child up until he left for uni. And he also hates football.

In our family both he and I both share roles- DIY, cleaning, cooking, you name it.

I am sure you have told him that his choices are absolutely things typical male people do. Because really, what is ‘typically ‘ these days? Surely typically male is anything that a male person can do?

I'd use his regular pronouns, continue as normal. Show him all the love as per usual. If he corrects your pronouns just say a quick sorry and continue. The more regular life is, the easier it will be for him to smoothly drop back into it as he matures.