Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

Hi OP.

Hopefully you have been able to filter out the useful replies. 13 is a very normal time to be experimenting with different identities. I went from "ballerina" to "goth" and back several times around this age.

I think the key is that you maintain your boundaries at home, it doesn't matter what his pronouns are, as long as he is looking after himself and not causing harm/distress to others then let him get on with it.

If it persists, and he starts speaking about medications etc... then time for a serious discussion, but until then carry on. There will inevitably be tantrums.. but they are just tantrums like a 3 year old, they will pass.

I knew I was attracted to girls as well as boys by the time I was 11. Didn't know the word for it and wouldn't have told anyone, but that was because it was Teesside in the 80s.

The idea is they are neither male or female but have both sets of ‘genitalia’ (well, one set and an extreme body modification that is not genitalia but surgical simulation.)

I don’t believe it is supposed to make sense to others.

Remember all this is to make a person’s body fit their philosophical belief about their identity. There is no biological reason for these treatments. It is only to make their body fit the physical manifestation of their identity - ie. based on their philosophical belief about themselves.

And yet, it is available in some countries.

13 y.o. came out as bi a couple of years ago????? Are you for real? He was an even younger child a few years ago? How on earth?

I haven't read the whole thread but have seen all of OP's comments, apologies if I'm repeating what others have said.

Is there a possibility he's insecure about his sexuality? Either about being bisexual, or actually being homosexual? If he's non-binary, then he isn't technically "gay".

Current response: Support them. It may continue, it may pass, he's still your son

Old school response: Support him. I would have thought I was non binary and bi back in the olden days (80s) if non binary had existed. We didn't think about it too much in those days and it passed,. I'm now a standard "cis gendered" woman it turns out. My daughter (she/them) states that I'm very heteronormative

Life's complicated for the kids at the moment in this sense. They/them/he just needs to get through this storm of puberty

for a lot of teens it is. not all of them. it's part of exploring who they are.
and MOST parents, thankfully, will accomodate their wishes, even if they are relieved if they eventually change their mind and start eating meat again. because they understand forcing them to eat meat if they want to be a vegetarian is cruel.
this is the same. it MIGHT be a fad. an experimentation with how they see themselves. or it might not be. either way, being supported will make them feel safe to come to them about any other changes in how they feel. I was veggie for a while in my teens. then I decided I wanted meat. I wasn't criticised for changing my mind, or told being veggie was a fad. it was just accepted that I changed my mind. because teens do that all the bloody time.

if this child wants to use they/them, let them. it's not going to harm them. they might change their mind one day, or they might not. but they'll remember their family supported them in their exploration of their developing identity

OR, they'll remember their feelings that felt very big and important being dismissed and mocked, and not feel like they can open up about any future big feelings.

It's total madness, and I reckon these surgeries are done by ambitious surgeons who want their place in medical history for carrying out new "feats," and by the private sector who just want to make money. Nullification surgery? Are there nullificative hormones, too? How do you go for a wee with nullification surgery - from a hole in your side??

In the future, these surgeries will be viewed as barbarous. They're nothing but a fashion. I know gender dysphoria exists, but the sensible approach is to take the hormones and dress like your preferred sex, and get a mastectomy if desired. At least there's a clear cancer-lowering risk with the mastectomies. But I think rearranging pipework is very dangerous and unhealthy. Everyone has pleasure centres, whether the male or female type. Can't they just enjoy whatever they've got, instead of putting themselves at huge risk? Rearranging your urethra, removing your penis and creating a cavity, or using your vagina to make a penis just sounds so unbelievably painful and risky, not to mention irreversible. And do we know how well these surgeries hold up when people are elderly and everything shrinks and get weaker, including the muscles which support these fashioned genitals?

I think the genital surgeries are a disgrace. Doctors are supposed to do no harm, but it would be much safer for people to make peace with what Nature gave them down there, even if they transitioned in all other ways. That's what doing no harm means.

My SIL had this with her daughter. I said if she identified as a cat what would you do. My SIL said she'd say it was silly and not go along with it. He can't change sex, we're all non binary and the school should nit have gone along with this as it's against policy.

Transgender Trend have a lot of resources: https://www.transgendertrend.com/

Monitor his internet use, particularly TikTok. He may be being groomed on there.

My SIL allowed her daughter to change her name to a neutral name and she's no longer NB but she has serious MH issues. Please engage with CAMHS as soon as possible because waiting lists are very long and you need to nip your in the bud now before it becomes even more serious.

Doctors should be saving patients from themselves, not carrying out risky and painful genital surgeries on demand. But then, I'm too sensible and down-to-earth for today's world.

I wouldn't worry too much about hormones and surgery. What would be the intended outcome of either for someone who thinks they are neither male or female? A trans person presumably has a desired end state of "as much like <whatever I wasn't born as>" as possible, but being non-binary logically means you're somewhere in the middle, and there aren't hormones or surgery or even diagrams for that.

I have read that in some trans circles, the enbys (n-b's, geddit?) are disliked because (again, according to this line of argument) the whole point of being trans is that you can be M or F and the trans people want to be the opposite one to their genitals.

I had a crush on Boy George when Karma Chamaeleon came out. I was only about 9 or 10, I don't think I really knew what he was! Man/woman/gay straight, I just thought he looked cool and different, and the song was catchy. No doubt if that happened nowadays to a 10 year old they would be pronouncing themselves as non binary or something because of social media influences.

I agree with this. Although I understand where a lot of people are coming from, I think many of the responses on here are just about people projecting their own opinions on to the OP with responses which come across as flippant rather than actually trying to help the OP with where she is now.

I know I'm old & stuffy and behind the times and everything, but you say he 'came out as bi' 2 years ago, so when he was eleven? Why was your son so sexualised at that age? He was a mere child. I'd put good money on it coming from school: find out what's been going on there. Otherwise, don't give in to this nonsense as no good can come of it.

Pretty sure non-binary means … I’m not in “box”
they/them keys others know that person not your “typical male”

It doesn’t necessarily mean trans.

If you didn't know what periods were at that age then that's a failing of your parents/educators

I knew I was straight at 11. There is no fucking difference except anyone not straight has to announce it.

Again, I knew I was straight at 11. Didn't mean I was being sexualised.

Being bi at 11 just means you have crushes on boys and girls. It doesn't mean you have sexual intentions.

Just like a girl fancying a boy at 11 doesn't mean they intend to have sex or are even thinking about it

I do think the way the OP is handling the situation is perfect. She is not pushing him away. She knows this is just nonsense but we arent talking to adult children but teens who are trying to find themselves. He will eventually grow out of it when he doesnt have his parents against them. We'll done OP.

I got my period at 11, I can’t imagine the panic it would have been if I didn’t know what it was.

Yes those surgeons are reprehensible. And I agree that the risks associated with these surgeries are huge. They have a high failure rate.

But, on this very board are posters who declare that any ‘gender affirming care’ comes with potential negative side effects and then they compare the ‘care’ to knee replacements. Because apparently we are to believe it is ‘life saving’ that a healthy body should be made into a life time patient on hormones and made life limiting due to what are elective extreme body modification surgeries on healthy body parts.

It is normal for 11 year olds to fancy pop stars and actors. I assume OPs DC fancied women and men so decided he was bisexual.

It is absolutely a transgender identity.

I see non-binary people as people who don’t want to be labelled by what’s in their pants, they just want to be seen as humans.

That's just it, though. No-one wants to be assumed to be whatever society says is "a woman's/man's personality".

It's really quite tone-deaf of anyone to think they are in any way different from others because stereotypes don't apply to them - yet presumably are happy to assume that women must be "feminine" to be a woman, etc, men must be masculine.

It's the labels (feminine =woman, masculine = man) that don't make sense, not what sex they are.