International Women’s Day

[SeAmableSiempre]

My friend organises an International Women’s Day event every year. I attended once 5 yrs ago and spent the day cringing inside whilst women stood at a lectern telling their hard done by stories, their successes in life ‘as a woman’, their hardships, tragedies and traumas whilst onlookers cried into their tissues and patted each other on the backs.
My friend persistently asks me to attend and for the past 4 yrs I’ve declined. I don’t feel the need to attend an event to fight for my rights as a woman, I don’t need constant praise, I don’t need someone on a podium implying I need to fight for my dignity, and I don’t need a day in a room full of women focusing on feeling hard done by because of their gender. I personally feel that ‘fighting’ to be recognised for our strengths as women diminishes how great we are. We have many skills that men do not have, and men have many skills that women do not have, we are individual and unique, in a partnership, in the workplace or in the home, we all have strengths and weaknesses regardless of gender.
The bottom line is I love being a woman, and I haven’t experienced any barriers in life, at home or in the workplace. I love that my husband looks after me and sees me as a woman. I love that he appreciates my femininity.

I don’t want or care to fix the dishwasher if it breaks, I don’t want to change the oil filter on my car, and there’s many other tasks I’m not interested in that my husband automatically takes care of. And yes, I’m wonderfully happy taking care of the laundry, washing the floor and cleaning the bathroom, I definitely don’t feel put upon or disrespected because we are a partnership using our own strengths within a solid relationship.
My friend turned up this morning asking me to buy a ticket for her event, literally pushing the ticket at me, and when I said I wouldn’t be coming she got quite cross with me saying I should be fighting for my rights and gender and supporting other women.
I’ve probably not explained this very well, and it might sound a bit like I’m saying ‘bugger you Jack I’m alright’, but that’s not what I mean. I simply can’t support a cause or a friend who implies that I need to fight for something when I don’t. AIBU?

YANBU to decline an invitation to any event that doesn't appeal to you or align with your values.

YABU to minimise and discount and ridicule women for wanting to gather and support each other because their lives have been impacted by sexism and they've actively worked to overcome that.

YABVU to suggest sexism is the fault of women for "womaning" wrong and not smiling enough in the face of discrimination.

YABVVU if you are being wilfully blind to issues such as pro-life campaigners seeking to get the 1967 Abortion Act abolished which is being funded and encouraged by US fundamentalists and has recently been picked up by the likes of Nigel Farage seeking to "debate" the issue, or the regressive notions of some influencers who are using quackery like "evolutionary psychology" to put women back in their place because "lady brain", or the growing ranks of pro-natalists, or the normalisation of sexual violence in porn which is reducing the number of lovely men like your DH with every click, or the injustices affecting women and their children during divorce proceedings that see women penalised for trying to keep their children away from abusers, and those children left at risk.

I could go on and on, but hey, I'm just a 55 year old widow with a chip on my shoulder.

Point is, at any point in one's life, as a woman, you may be disadvantaged or abused purely because of your sex, and in those moments the guidance and support of other women may be your lifeline, through organisations and legislation that women have had to fight for, with no little blood on the tracks. I think it's rather naive to dismiss that because your experience has been different.

But it was a man that assaulted you right?

Seriously though I don’t see why people struggle to support causes they think don’t inpact them directly. I am an ally for and attend events at work for our LGBT and Asian employee networks despite being neither and also attend events for Men’s International Day despite men’s issues not impacting me.

It’s just being community minded and supporting others.

OP had a husband of 30+ years and grown children and step children. She isn’t some naive young thing. I expect better from someone who has lived through the likes of legalised marital rape, gender pay gap, grooming gangs, rights to contraception and abortion and other things that better women fought for to change. To be in your 50’s or 60’s and sniffy about women who give a shot about their rights, all while crowing about your femininity (let’s see if your DH will love your femininity in 10 years time when everything goes south) and laundry, is probably one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever seen on MN

My dad, sadly no longer with us, was a straight Yorkshireman as blokey as they come, and fought tirelessly for AIDS awareness/funding and support for gay rights through the 80’s and and 90’s (sadly to much jeering from some mates). He had his faults too but this is a mark of a truly decent human being when they can lift themselves up out their privilege to help others

So much I would like to say in response to this, but I'll try to keep it to a couple of questions:

1. how often does your dishwasher break, that fixing it can be seen as an equivalent household chore to responsibility for laundry?
2. do you feel that all global abuse of women is attributable to Islam? Because that is what a couple of your posts seem strongly to imply.
3. does your friend, who organises the event, know what your views are on traditional gender roles in the house, and how much you despise the speakers at her event? If so, does this not make her dislike you/wish to end the friendship?
4. can you please give some examples of the skills you believe men have, and the skills you believe women have?

I'd genuinely love to hear your answers to these questions, to help me understand your position better.

(And for the record I don't think your friend should bully anyone into doing anything, for the record. You do of course have the right not to attend, given you (I think) see IWD as unnecessary because you believe western women are at no disadvantage and misogyny is only real in Islam.)

OP is late 60’s and retired. What fun they must have doing laundry and changing oil all day in retirement 🤣
What a disappointment someone old enough to know better has come to school other women that we mustn’t make a fuss, just be feminine and clean the bathroom and you’ll be as happy as she is

OP is late 60s?

Ok it’s making me think of Geena Davis’ character in Blink Twice.

I wouldn't go either

It would be an irl version of this thread , being told you're womaning wrong

I cannot think of any skills I have linked to my gender.

Childbirth?

I hope the organisers of this misogynistic nonsense don’t call themselves feminists. But I fear they probably do.

@SeAmableSiempre your internalised misogyny is staggering!

The fact that you claim women who are highlighting inequality and disadvantage 'have a chip on their shoulder' and that you focus more on the woman who claimed your tight jeans were the cause of the sexual harassment suggests that you'd benefit from engaging with some of the issues raised and discussed on IWD.

Don't attend your friend's event if you don't want to but you don't get to unilaterally declare that women don't have to deal with inequality, disadvantage, discrimination or violence.

@SeAmableSiempre

Are you me?! Lol! Just commenting to say that I support and agree with your original post and subsequent ones.

You don't have to go if you don't want to.
However don't minimize other women's reasons for wanting to be part of it. Not every woman has a lovely husband who does all these things and there is nothing wrong or masculine about a woman being able to service her own car. Sorry but I did eye roll a bit reading your post.

That is a terrible response. Can you see the similarities between what she said to you and what you’re saying to others, I.e. that it’s not being smiley and pleasant enough in the workplace or home which causes all that pesky inequality, misogyny and abuse? If you choose to be nicer to the men you’d be respected.

If you choose to ignore the fact that this stuff happens, daily and everywhere, that women have worked fucking hard to get to where they are now, that women want to celebrate and show solidarity with women who have challenged and survived awful experiences, that’s your choice. But doing it so vocally and with such willful ignorance is really out of order. These women are putting themselves out there and being vulnerable, and you’re being awful about them. Maybe practice some of those ‘smile and be nice’ strategies you used in the workplace, or do you just save them for men?

I was going to say that there is absolutely no way that you have never been impacted negatively by your sex, you just must not realise. But then I read you were sexually assaulted by a man (which is awful, I'm sorry) and your biggest issue with that seems to be with your female neighbour - which suggests you have very high levels of internalised misogyny. Or you are a troll.

Don't go to the event if you don't want to. But don't be disrespectful or silly enough to claim all women who do fight for women's rights or have been impacted negatively by their sex just have a chip on their shoulder.

Not a chance, because the attendees will be talking and crying about how they escaped their abusive relationships

I thought this comment by @SeAmableSiempre was pretty disgusting.

The whole point of ‘gender’ is that it’s about social stereotypes though. Housework & pretty dresses for women, DIY for men.

Very thoughless thing to say to someone who has posted about how they were raped, abused and mistreated by a man further up thread. You truly are an unkind person.

I cannot think of any skills I have linked to my gender.

Childbirth?

The difference between 'gender' and sex in a nutshell.
There's some things many men are, on average, likely to find easier than many women because they're likely to be taller or stronger but those are bimodal distributions. So we do need sports divided by sex, but some women will be physically able to be firefighters and some men won't.
But men are 100% useless at having babies. And in many societies, historically and currently, men have created societies which control women's fertility.

I'd also like to add, for anyone who doesn't want to attend events that include men, don't go to the events that include men.

There are plenty of others, and they would REALLY like your support. In fact all the cries of "I'm not going to an IWD * event because they are all TWAW" are a) very far off the mark and b) the ones that aren't TWAW really really really need people to attend their events to show support for this. This is really what you can do to support women on this day, make it clear that you support sex based sports, sex based exclusion where necessary/desired etc etc (if this is your vibe, of course if you support TWAW go to any of the other events)

*AFAIK International Women's Day isn't an actual organisation, it is a date picked back in the ol' communist era and set up especially to acknowledge the role of women in society, their role in the revolution and the specific issues that affect them because of their sex. (am happy to be corrected on this). It is a good day to remember people like Rosa Luxembourg and Clara Zetkin etc etc

Yeah, you're not a feminist. You'll take the benefits of other people's efforts and then dismiss things like medical misogyny as being down to women not being assertive enough. "It doesn't happen to me because I don't have a chip on my shoulder". Jesus.

I wonder if your friend is being so persistent about your attendance because she thinks you need a bloody good sense check.

Well said, @Brefugee .

May be worth going to events advertised as TWAW too if most of what they're about is actually issues rooted in sex not 'gender'.

Not a “skill” I have so….😂