International Women’s Day

[SeAmableSiempre]

My friend organises an International Women’s Day event every year. I attended once 5 yrs ago and spent the day cringing inside whilst women stood at a lectern telling their hard done by stories, their successes in life ‘as a woman’, their hardships, tragedies and traumas whilst onlookers cried into their tissues and patted each other on the backs.
My friend persistently asks me to attend and for the past 4 yrs I’ve declined. I don’t feel the need to attend an event to fight for my rights as a woman, I don’t need constant praise, I don’t need someone on a podium implying I need to fight for my dignity, and I don’t need a day in a room full of women focusing on feeling hard done by because of their gender. I personally feel that ‘fighting’ to be recognised for our strengths as women diminishes how great we are. We have many skills that men do not have, and men have many skills that women do not have, we are individual and unique, in a partnership, in the workplace or in the home, we all have strengths and weaknesses regardless of gender.
The bottom line is I love being a woman, and I haven’t experienced any barriers in life, at home or in the workplace. I love that my husband looks after me and sees me as a woman. I love that he appreciates my femininity.

I don’t want or care to fix the dishwasher if it breaks, I don’t want to change the oil filter on my car, and there’s many other tasks I’m not interested in that my husband automatically takes care of. And yes, I’m wonderfully happy taking care of the laundry, washing the floor and cleaning the bathroom, I definitely don’t feel put upon or disrespected because we are a partnership using our own strengths within a solid relationship.
My friend turned up this morning asking me to buy a ticket for her event, literally pushing the ticket at me, and when I said I wouldn’t be coming she got quite cross with me saying I should be fighting for my rights and gender and supporting other women.
I’ve probably not explained this very well, and it might sound a bit like I’m saying ‘bugger you Jack I’m alright’, but that’s not what I mean. I simply can’t support a cause or a friend who implies that I need to fight for something when I don’t. AIBU?

Absolutely agree. Just because you've led a charmed life doesn't mean other women have. You're perfectly entitled not to go, but cringing yourself inside out because other women are still fighting for equality just makes you look like a privileged arse.

Fighting for equality - women’s rights - whilst accepting that a man can be a woman. Yeah right.

It's okay to not attend. It's not okay to sneer at other women who find these events meaningful.

Just woman up and say no you don't want to attend.

You've NEVER experienced any barriers as a woman? Have you not walked down the street and been forced to move out of the way because men assume they have right of way? Have you never gone to the GP and been told you're probably just anxious and shouldn't worry so much when you have very obvious physical issues? Have you never gone to a shop and had the salesperson talk only to your DH?

I think you're either very very lucky or very very naive.

Trust me, I’m not in a dream world. I’ve worked in roles alongside men, and in my previous job in upper management at no point was I treated differently to my male colleagues. On the contrary I was afforded respect and equality in all my roles, and that was probably because I didn’t walk around with a chip on my shoulder about being a woman.
And yes I’m fully aware of the atrocities to women and girls in Muslim countries, but will my friends’ event help them??? Not a chance, because the attendees will be talking and crying about how they escaped their abusive relationships, and how they succeed in the workplace ‘as a woman’, how they do this ‘as a woman’ how they did that ‘as a woman’. They will single themselves out to be different whilst they spout about wanting to be equal . It’s contradictory.
In addition my friend treats her husband with very little respect, dictating to him about anything and everything right down to what tv programs to watch, and if the poor guy wants to watch football he comes to ours. He’s terrified of her and runs around after like a frightened puppy. It works both ways, some women don’t treat men well.
Going back to the atrocities to women in other countries, it’s horrific, and WE CAN DO NOTHING, they are under Muslim rule, it doesn’t make it right but it’s their country, these are their rules, if we made a move into their countries to make changes we’d be tortured and killed, then it would still continue.
So, let me say to you, other women will not carry me as you say, I do not need them to fight for my rights because I am already treated with dignity and respect, probably because I get back what a give out… try it sometime, it goes along way. Oh, and with respect I’ll put my feet up when I’m good and ready, because I don’t need YOU, another woman, telling me what to do!

None of those examples have ever happened to me. Would I fuck move out the way just because someone expects me to!
I have experienced sexism in my life but not any of those examples.

You probably don't even realise you're doing it in the street. And you're very lucky you have never experienced medical gaslighting. I've had to really fight for my healthcare and DC's healthcare in the face of eyerolling medics.

I would probably have written this, OP, when I was younger and an idiot nieve. I work in a very male dominated industry, and have been consistently respected and valued. It was only when I had children, that I realised what I was missing.

None of my male colleagues have ever asked my advice on whether they should give up work and do a nightshift in a supermarket, as the childcare savings would make their family much better off in the short term. None of them have even done that maths. Few of them have experienced returning to work after a year of parental leave. I've not seen any of them panicking about whether they will need to quit when a childcare provider shuts down, and there is no alternative provision.

Don't get me wrong - my DH does is share, we both worked 4 days after our DC was born. But the experience of having children is very different, and a strong female professional support network is very valuable.

You don't know anything about feminism and I doubt you've never experienced sexism. The women you're sneering at, the ones who set up and run events, share their stories and campaign, have fought for the rights you take for granted.

They didn't happen organically, they were fought for.

You have nothing of interest to say because your focus in life is cosplaying the 50s. There's no need for feminism because my husband likes my femininity blah blah blah. You're embarrassing yourself.

So you don't get abused, belittled, sidelined, discriminated against or murdered because you are not like those other girls? Got it.

The internalised misogyny is deafening.

Nope, and I’m certainly not naive, but I do have a voice, a smile, and respect… and I use all three. If you walk around on the defence with a chip on your shoulder and an attitude you will be challenged. I’ve certainly NEVER had a sales person speak only to my DH, our most recent purchase was a car and the salesman spoke to us both as equals. Stop expecting, predicting and believing you’re going to be treated like a second rate citizen, it’s you who us projecting that message out. Body language speaks volumes!
To answer your question regarding my GP… If I have a health issue I research the symptoms before going to my GP so we can discuss them rather than me going in with a complaint. Knowledge is power, so is good manners.

So don’t go.

I’d love to know what skills you think men have that women don’t and vice versa. I expect exploring those prejudices would take you down a very interesting intellectual road and would require some serious critical thought.

It’s not for everyone.

Thanks, I have no intention of going, my main issue is with my friends forthright attitude and her expectation that I should buy a ticket from her and attend.
In terms of skills re men and women, discussing these skills does not diminish either gender but rather celebrates the diversity and complexity of individuals… yes, as you say, a very interesting and intellectual road

So put up and shut up, essentially?

I suppose those 2 women a week killed by a man, in the UK, were asking for it. Not polite enough, not smiling. Chip on their shoulder.

You see, girls, we've been doing it all wrong. If only we smiled more, showed respect to the men, and didn't have chips on our delicate feminine shoulders, then sexism would magically disappear! It's such an amazing, simple solution. Not only would sexism in the workplace be a thing of the past but every home would be a model of equality. We too could happily take on most of the household chores while our manly men repaired the dishwasher once in a while and changed the oil in the cars a few times a year. Thank goodness we can all implement these easy fixes and all our troubles will be over. We'll have to forget about women in other countries, though. Nothing we can do for them.

There are none so blind as those who don’t want to see. ‘Cosplaying 1950s’ is spot on. Those abused women, those who are passed over for promotion, the gender pay gap, the fact that the mental load falls disproportionately on women is just because those women have a chip on their shoulders, they’re not feminine enough. If they just made more of an effort not to rock the boat it would be fine.

I don’t know how old you are but I genuinely hope that at some point you wake up and you’re fucking furious at the stuff you’ve just blindly accepted as normal.

"I haven't experienced any barriers in life, at home or in the workplace"

Well I'm pleased for you that you haven't, but surely you must realise that you are in the minority, and that nearly all women have experienced sex-based discrimination.

Don’t worry, one day someone will pick you if you keep this up

I was sexually abused in broad daylight in a supermarket carpark when I was 19. The police were supportive and sympathetic, and at no point did I feel I was to blame by them.
However my neighbour who was a women stated that if I didn’t wear my jeans so tight he might not have grabbed my arse. Enough said

I love that my husband looks after me and sees me as a woman.

How does he DO this?! My husband sees me as a badger and it’s really fucking annoying.

I love that he appreciates my femininity.

What does appreciating feminity mean? Does he compliment your pink razor?

The irony of this is that a lot of us know precisely when International Men's Day is but don't know the date of IWD purely down to the thousands of times we've had to answer that sodding question.

But don't mind me, OP, I'm a poor attempt at femaleness as I've been installing a new shower today because DP, for all his manly muscles and height, is utterly shite at understanding installation diagrams and rotating shapes in either a 2 or 3D environment.

I always find it interesting that these “We are an equal household!” types just happen to have gendered roles. Funny that.

I also wonder if the Pick Me women realise that laundry, cleaning bathroom etc is a daily chore whereas the Man Jobs of fixing the dishwasher and changing the oil are once a year tops jobs.

Of course her husband likes her femininity he’s got a cushy number, she does the cleaning and thinks she’s lucky for it