To think new mums are sometimes misled with the amount of ‘help’ to expect

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Friend recently had a baby and was speaking to me a few weeks later about how no one had ‘helped’ her in the early days. She has a v supportive partner who had 4 weeks off and did at least his fair share and then some but she meant friends and family really. The books she had read said when guests come she should go nap or ask them to do washing etc when in reality she felt cheeky asking them that and no one offered or started doing tasks/chores around the house. Something on social media suggested saying people could visit only if they bought a meal which she apparently suggested to a sibling who came with no meal and thought she was joking. Despite having all their family come, coo and bring gifts and support them emotionally she feels really let down.

It made me think actually that all sounds like normal family behaviour and telling women their visitors will roll their sleeves up and run a hoover around or bring meals is unrealistic. Some family will and it would be lovely to have that obviously but for most people it’s them and their partner who do everything. It certainly was for us!

I don't think pointing out that it isn't an technically "illness" is helpful. In fact, it's probably part of the problem. If you didn't struggle, that's great, but don't minimise childbirth - it's an enormous medical event, even for the most textbook delivery. It doesn't need to be measured against other things.

Mum, sister and mother in law??? Because that's women's work?

I think your friend is being a bit ridiculous. Just a generation ago a man taking a week was unheard of, and she had a month with a hands on guy not working (and presumably still hands on ish when he was back at work) - lucky lady.
And these days people don't cook meals for families of new borns, although vouchers for Cook seem to be the thing where I work and in my family.

I think it's a great help. I remember my maternal grandparents staying for a few weeks after my younger sister and brother were born (and apparently when other sister and I were born too, but obviously I don't remember those). My Mum stayed with us for a fortnight or so after each of mine, not my Dad, but that would have been too crowded in a small London flat, and unlike my Grandad, he wasn't retired. My parents haven't ever done regular childcare, but they have taken both my sons on short trips abroad, to stuff in London and the UK, played chess/cricket/cards/etc

Being overseas from family and their interference is the best place to be, it forces you to cope with only husband available for help. Our eldest was 5 or 6 weeks when we brought her to UK to see family at which stage everything was running smoothly and we were able to say, particularly my mother, Yes you are entitled to your opinion but we're entitled to ignore it!

I do wonder why two adults can not manage a new born baby without outside help

Well having DC is one of the moments in life where you know who your real friends are.

The other one is divorce.

I've gone through both. Ever decreasing circles I'm afraid! At least I know where I stand.

I think many people expect the wider family to step in rather than for the actual father of the baby to step up.

@PeppyGreenFinch I agree. I am happy to help people, but not to replace what the father should be doing. And I honestly do not see why two people not at work for 4 weeks can not manage one baby.

I would agree. I also batch cooked in prep for baby 1. With baby 2 I had bag PG pain and couldn't stand to batch cook. I so wished there was someone to give my first born some attention but everyone else has busy lives and gps are quite elderly. We sort of just lived on easy meals for the first month until I could get back to cooking

I understand eating home cooked meals is nicer. But lots of people who struggle in lots of ways including health and disability eat all or mainly ready meals.
I see eating nice home cooked meals as a nice thing, rather than an essential.

Thinking further about this I do think that currently generally people are very self focused.

And that having a child is such a horrendous shock to the system.

Whereas only a few generations ago older girls would have raised the younger children and done the heavy lifting of cooking and very hard Work domestic chores.

Whereas the current public narrative is self care, prioritise yourself, do what makes you happy.

And then someone has a baby and it's a massive shock.

It's why subsequent further children aren't such a shock

My mum came down for 3wks, but it was extra work having a guest staying. Maybe if family are local, and have the time they can help out but many MIL’s especially are probably worried about over stepping, and probably rightly so given the posts I see on here. Mine are grown up now, or nearly, and I don’t look back fondly on those early days. It was tough.

It's not that they can't manage. They can. But depending on the baby (mine was a colicky, non-sleeping ball of fury), both parents are massively sleep-deprived, living off ready meals, overwhelmed, and in sensory overload. Family and friends stepping in to provide the odd home-cooked meal, washing up, or taking the baby for a walk for an hour to allow the parents to sleep without hearing screaming keeps those "managing" new parents sane.

Besides, paternity leave is often less than four weeks. Not long after the baby is born, the father (however hands-on) will be back at work full time plus commute plus the need to sleep at set times, leaving the new mum to cope on her own most of the time.

We lost the village because there are no villagers.

Agreed. I got zero help. Actually less than zero, as we were expected to serve, feed and wait on all the grandparents 😖
However, some of my friends received TONS of help, and still do a decade on.

Resilience is lacking rhese days in some areas, and social media tends to encourage self-indulgence in my opinion. When I had my DC, DH had no paternity leave, he's self employed, so I just got on with it. I went shopping, registered their births, hosted dinner parties, cooked daily. It wasn't that hard, we need more of that keep calm and carry on spirit these days.

Prior to having my DC I also had a miscarriage, the day after it happened we had a Christmas party at our house planned for 20 people, we couldn't cancel, so just went ahead and didn't mention it.

You hosted dinner parties, by yourself with a newborn? Why?

Good for you, not everyone needs to be a martyr though.

Baby arrived early and it was planned.

@MooseBreath I was specifically talking about this situation where two parents are at home for 4 weeks.

I turned up to a friends with a home made Chicken casserole when she had given birth but culturally that just seems right to me. She was really surprised but delighted. I’m born in England but from a different culture with an English slant I guess. I always offer to help new Mothers. My new neighbours had a baby last year, I didn’t know them well at all. So didn’t offer as didn’t want to be ‘that odd neighbour’ but would happily have done stuff for them. New Mothers need to be cherished and cared for. The body goes through so much.

My Mother stayed for 2 weeks, she would have stayed longer but couldn’t unfortunately. She cooked, cleaned, let me sleep ran me saltwater baths to heal me and was brilliant. My English MIL turned up, took photos, enjoyed showing off she was a Grandmother and did nothing to help. That affirmed the cultural divide for me. If I end up a MIL I will not assume help is required especially if I end up with a DIL who is of a different culture but will offer assistance.

DH and I could have managed easily while he wasn't working (self-employed, so took a week off with DS1 and a fortnight for DS2) but after he went back to work I was still recovering from a c-section and it would have been tricky. But my Mum staying was lovely, even when DH was there - as the mother of 4 she wasn't remotely intimidated by the tiny menace, while DH and I were scared he might break or explode or something. It was lovely to have Mum to chat to, or to be able to have cuddles with sleeping infant and DH while Mum cooked us something. When DS2 was born, it was also fab that my Dad took him out several times so that DS1 didn't feel pushed out and over-babied. It wasn't perhaps required, but it was lovely and made life calmer and easier, both times.

I always take a meal suitable for the family I'm visitong and offer to do light chores when I visit a newborn. I've been parenting 25 years. Also offer to take other kids to park for a bit etc or for the day depending on our relationship.

I think that we all have to act how we would like to be treated. A few years back we cleaned the downstairs part of house of a friend each week whilst she got back on her feet after a traumatic week.

As a parent I swap childcare and lifts to activities, and generally help out where I can. I don't have extended family to help and there are similar people around me. Over the years I've worked from full time to part time to being a sahp and being a single parent or married so it hasn't just been because I'm home and available with a decent disposable income.

There has been a time or two I've been taken advantage but I've gotten better at setting boundaries.

I'm very resilient because I've had to be but I still think we should care more for people who are having a tough time, whether that is moving house, having a baby, recovering from surgery etc etc.

I find this thread rather sad tbh.

My neighbour went back home each time she had a baby and was looked after by relatives as that's expected in her culture and whilst that may have been a bit smothering for me, being a friend and lightening the load of someone else if I'm able to is part of the journey.