To think new mums are sometimes misled with the amount of ‘help’ to expect

[SneakyLilNameChange]

Friend recently had a baby and was speaking to me a few weeks later about how no one had ‘helped’ her in the early days. She has a v supportive partner who had 4 weeks off and did at least his fair share and then some but she meant friends and family really. The books she had read said when guests come she should go nap or ask them to do washing etc when in reality she felt cheeky asking them that and no one offered or started doing tasks/chores around the house. Something on social media suggested saying people could visit only if they bought a meal which she apparently suggested to a sibling who came with no meal and thought she was joking. Despite having all their family come, coo and bring gifts and support them emotionally she feels really let down.

It made me think actually that all sounds like normal family behaviour and telling women their visitors will roll their sleeves up and run a hoover around or bring meals is unrealistic. Some family will and it would be lovely to have that obviously but for most people it’s them and their partner who do everything. It certainly was for us!

Also reminds me of the time these mums saw my daughter aged 4 take her first wobbly steps in the playground as we waited. Not a dry eye in the house.
If any of you happen to be on here and recognise yourselves, thank you x

I can’t get my head around people who want others to wash up or hoover or do their washing. There’s nothing that would make me feel more stressed and on edge! Why would I want my mum or my in-laws to clean my house for me? I’d find it mortifying.

But dad, brother and father in law shouldn’t?

Well then there you go. Not everyone's circle is as lovely as yours. And not everyone's DH is around to make the drinks...

Sorry.

Loving the sound of the 1 months paternity leave people keep mentioning as standard 🤣. Makes me think of the full pay maternity leave and months of paid leave to sort out personal emergencies that people who don't work think exist for everyone

Already there are 2 camps emerging with 1 saying "l had it so hard they don't know they're born today" (forgetting their week long stint on a maternity ward where them and their child got some actual care!). Then actually being able to afford to be a SAHP as they didn’t have the same pressure to earn money

I really don't know when this "village" idea actually existed. I always thought it was a hippified, commune based notion, popularised in the 60s/early 70s, that barely existed as an idea outside those circles. I had my first baby in the early 80s. Paternity leave wasn't a thing in Britain. My husband had to take annual leave even to be at the birth, which I inconveniently spread over 2 days. After that, we spent 5 days in hospital and he sprinted over to see us in his lunch hour. I think he had an afternoon off to bring us home. Luckily that was a Friday so he was available to me for general help and moral support over the weekend. And that was it. All the rest of his annual leave had been used on our honeymoon, 11 months previously. My parents, who lived an hour away, were both still working so could only visit at the weekend, when my husband was home anyway. In the evenings, he was as useful as he possibly could be. My daughter was an evening screamer and he was very good at calming her. The point is, we just got on with it. We had no expectation that it would be any different and so we managed, and this was how it was for just about everyone else that I knew.

When our first son was born in 1975 my husband had a couple of days off work. I wasn't working outside the home. No parental leave back then. No relatives nearby and at that time didn't know many people locally. A couple of visits from the local nurse and that was it. I got on with it. Same when second son arrived three years later. One income was enough to live on without frills and fancies. We were happy. Both boys are doing well in their chosen spheres. Things have changed a lot since then!

You get over yourself. Who are you, the joy police? It’s called boundaries - a very alien concept to so many mumsnetters apparently!
Go and be miserable away from people who feel special and happy around their newborns. Having a baby is a miracle, every single time.

I don't think that is fair. I had the week in hospital and lots of support afterwards and haven't been dismissive about mums not getting that now. By the way I had to go back to work in the 70s and we needed my money to pay the mortgage.

Maybe more than two camps?

Why would you be friends with someone who you didn't like?

Friends, I wouldn't. Can't choose family though. Also though, you don't actually know whether you can rely on someone until it's put to the test...

Many people experience terrible things that are scary. But it is incorrect to label it as ptsd. The post does not say they were diagnosed with ptsd, and neither do they mention any ptsd symptoms.

How would you know if my post is il-informed? You don’t know what I’m informed by?

I wasn’t mean or lacking in acknowledgement of the poster difficulties but I was calling out the use of labelling it as ptsd.

@LondonFox But your parents already have done their part by raising you! They shouldn't have to earn goodwill by doing heavy lifting for yet another generation!

How many people did your friend help before she had her kids?

To be fair as well, friends may have their own responsibilities. I had my kids first out of my friendship group- when my friends were having babies I already had a 4 year old and a 2 year old and was working as well as we had to for our mortgage. Frankly, I was knackered and simply didnt have the energy to go around cleaning friend's houses on top of my own. It wasnt that I was being mean, I already had enough on my own plate. I think it's unfair to suggest that unless your friends are cleaning your house from top to bottom they are shit friends.

All I really wanted from a friend at that point was a nice chat. Which wasn't a huge test.

I wouldn't want someone I didn't like in my house even if I didn't have a newborn and I certainly wouldn't want them to clean it.

As this thread demonstrates, many families do sweet fuck all when their loved ones become parents. But in others the idea of coming over and even having a cup of tea made for you is mortifying.

My family is the latter so I can imagine if you have the former it must feel like a big let down. What’s saddest of all though is how many women in this thread don’t seem to think they are worthy of help and assistance and care in the post-partum period. I think it’s a reflection of how hyper capitalist and individualist a lot of U.K. culture has become compared with other countries.

Do only women count as close relatives?

Well then, that's my original point. Why would I want someone to come, be served and tell me how tired I was? You wouldn't....

What’s saddest of all though is how many women in this thread don’t seem to think they are worthy of help and assistance and care in the post-partum period

I don't think anyone has said that. I think it's more been a conversation about where that help, assistance and care comes from. And different people need different amounts of it. I found having a toddler a lot more stressful than a newborn.

I think it is interesting that some women have unrealistic expectations of their own family and how helpful they will or won’t be after they’ve had a baby.

My parents are are wonderful, kind and thoughtful in so many ways. Hell would freeze over before they offered to run a hoover around my house or load the dishwasher!

I preferred, with my first, to take the baby to see people rather than have them in my house. Much easier to make my excuses and leave when I’d had enough that way and nobody was making my house a mess in the process. Currently pregnant with my second and intend on doing much the same.

Visitors at your own home are inevitable in the earliest days but once you feel human again - paying visits to them rather than them to you, is the way to do it.

Im not sure how you are applying those guidelines but for it to be birth related it means the mother or child’s life was at risk if they sustained life changing injury.

Not everyone who experiences a traumatic event will develop ptsd symptoms and even these can settle on their own without intervention.

Anyone hoping to rely on a 'village' to help raise their child would be well advised to identify the said village before getting pregnant, and have a chat with the prospective villagers.

There is that and there is my mother-in-law who stayed to 'help' for a couple of days, I had to make her countless cups of tea each time I wanted one as she wouldn't have even done that.
I was hoping she'd stay for a few days and help us get into a routine, MAYBE even make me a sandwich but no, I had to feed her, special meals as she is fussy and serve her as she was 'a guest'. I never looked at her the same since and it strained our previously good relationship. Honestly I'd do more for a friend I knew for 6 months, we've known each other for 7 years at the time.