To think new mums are sometimes misled with the amount of ‘help’ to expect

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Friend recently had a baby and was speaking to me a few weeks later about how no one had ‘helped’ her in the early days. She has a v supportive partner who had 4 weeks off and did at least his fair share and then some but she meant friends and family really. The books she had read said when guests come she should go nap or ask them to do washing etc when in reality she felt cheeky asking them that and no one offered or started doing tasks/chores around the house. Something on social media suggested saying people could visit only if they bought a meal which she apparently suggested to a sibling who came with no meal and thought she was joking. Despite having all their family come, coo and bring gifts and support them emotionally she feels really let down.

It made me think actually that all sounds like normal family behaviour and telling women their visitors will roll their sleeves up and run a hoover around or bring meals is unrealistic. Some family will and it would be lovely to have that obviously but for most people it’s them and their partner who do everything. It certainly was for us!

‘And in other cultures this does not happen.’

As long as the baby is a boy.

I think people struggle with all this social media stuff. It’s just not the reality of being part of a family or community of friends. We know a couple who were previous almost to the point of ridiculousness over visits etc when they had a baby and now the child has a very limited relationship with both sets of parents, other friends have drifted away and they complain nobody bothers. We are only still close due to a lot of eye rolling and teeth gritting on my part but I deemed them worth the effort whereas I think a lot of family were hurt and offended and distanced themselves.

Unfortunately I think this comes from the entitled expectations of this generation, not quite sure how we managed 20 years ago having to look after a newborn, have a quick tidy up etc times have definitely changed and not for the better

My mum brought me food and things without asking, did my washing up if she came round and the kitchen was messy, told me to go for a nap while she held baby etc..
My in laws would ask if we needed anything from a shop before they came round and mil would maybe wash up mugs if we'd all had cups of tea.

I would not have expected any of my friends to do housework or bring anything. I had a baby very young though before any of my friends had children so I was just grateful if anyone came and was interested in my baby. Lost one or two friends who weren't bothered.

Well neither should people make spurious claims. PTSD is a very serious debilitating disorder. It’s can be incredibly difficult for not only the person but also their family. Casually labelling stuff as such is ill informed. I very much doubt the all people who have responded to my post are either experienced or qualified in trauma work. I called out the use of the label - that is all

Some unpleasant responses here, quite sad really. My mum made a big pan of macaroni cheese which we lived off for a week after coming home, it was so nice. I did two loads of laundry when I came home from the hospital (I went a bit weird after having my first) and ended up tearing my episiotomy stitches 😭 I don’t think it’s entitled to hope for a bit of help after a huge physical and emotional experience.

In my culture this is normal, I was showered with food, money and gifts and my mum did all the cooking and cleaning whilst she stayed with us after birth. I didn’t do anything but babywear and breastfeed all day. This is the norm in many cultures around the world.

I think if you need help you have to specifically ask! Or at leas
As a pp said, most friends might feel they were insulting the cleanliness of the home if they randomly suggested hoovering for them! There's also a limit about what sort of help is appropriate - I wouldn't want any of my friends handling our underwear to put a wash on!

OTOH as a visiting friend I would absolutely be happy to do cleaning stuff or bring food- but I would only do it proactively without being asked when it's been someone like a sister or very close friend. Anyone else they'd need to drop a hint like, when asked how you're doing "great but I'm stressed because the house is a mess" or "ugh I haven't had a shower for 3 days," and I would then of course offer to stick hoover over/hold baby while they shower etc. And then it's up to them to gracefully accept, not say "oh no I couldn't expect you to do that" and then me insist several times until they finally give in (which I know is the British default!)

You were and still are in the wrong.

You're in no position to call out anything, given that you don't know what you're talking about and neither have you met the person in question.

The time when you could've made any of these criticisms has been and gone. If this was simply about people not using labels without a diagnosis, you could've said that without any lofty proclamations that they can't possibly have the condition in question because of what you've hastily googled.

In Asian communities it is normal for parents to move in and help. I'm sure in others too. It could and would be expected.
Separately though- I always do the washing up and bring biscuits or cake when visiting friends with new babies. I never want to be an additional burden. Also insist we just get takeaways or easy dinners if staying to eat....don't want them having to cater. I did this before having kids. Really surprised few other people do.

your baby, your choice, your responsibility. life is very busy for most. you cant choose to have a baby then complain about everyone helping you.

I think most of those cultures have a general expectation that men don't do domestic labour. So your mum/MIL help you after birth instead of your husband

I think the issue we have in the UK is that we have moved past the expectation that mums/MiLs will step in and do this but not all men have stepped up.

Visiting a friend or family members newborn for the first time I would message and ask if they needed picking anything up from the shop on the way and offer to bring lunch. I wouldn’t do any chores though I have enough of my own!

Yes she's been misled by some unrealistic, idealised version of giving birth, writers of these books are selling a dream.

In reality most women did not ever get much help, even having a partner home for more than a couple of days was rare until 20 years ago. Those older relatives visiting may make a cup of tea or even bring a casserole but they certainly aren't going to be cleaning or doing laundry.

But then you'd also have to put up with deferring to your parents and I am not sure how many British people would be willing to have that trade-off...

I agree with you OP, when our baby was born I was incredibly lucky that my partner was able to take four weeks off work and that was more than enough help. I was recovering from a terrible delivery so he kept on track of practically everything and I obviously did whatever I could physically in addition to bonding with our son. When guests came round their job was to meet their new grandson, nephew etc - wouldn't have needed nor expected them to help with any household jobs!

Yes I have to agree.

I genuinely had trauma from my birth experience and it led to years of MH issues and medication.
I would never have a second child because of it.
But even I would be careful about using the term PTSD.

It’s not to take away from the experience of someone who obviously had a difficult time but not seeing someone face to face for a few months is highly unlikely to result in clinical PTSD.

There will be survivors of war, attempted murders and violent rapes on here who will never be the same again and they may find the mislabelling quite offensive.

The experience and feelings are absolutely valid.
But the label is just being used incorrectly.

If her partner had 4 weeks off then between the two off them, they can take turns doing household tasks while the other one is with the baby. There is no way I would offer to clean up for someone who has an abled bodied husband currently off from work. I would have assumed he can do it.

Friend recently had a baby and was speaking to me a few weeks later about how no one had ‘helped’ her in the early days. She has a v supportive partner who had 4 weeks off and did at least his fair share and then some but she meant friends and family really.

If her partner was off work, she had full-time help on hand. Why would they need additional help?

Has your friend provided 'help' to her friends and family in the past? It is likely these friends and family were juggling full-time jobs and childcare.

There are cultures where families provide more help to new mothers. But these are cultures where elderly relatives move in and are cared for by families. Here, if a MIL asks her son to help her with the shopping on Christmas Eve, it is a resounding 'fuck off' from mumsnet.

I certainly wasn't misled, but there was zero help and I was single and had to go back to work at 16 weeks, full time. So I think it's her expectations that are wrong. People make the mistake of thinking that having a baby is as special to everyone else as it is to the actual parents - it's not. They'll show a polite interest but not really do the work.

By that reasoning neither are you in a position to call out my being wrong…ffs

Lofty proclamations?….seriously

Can I ask how long you stayed in hospital, as there seems a huge amount of variation in the 70s. My MIL was in for 10 days with her first, nothing wrong that was just how it was in that hospital. My mum was in for 4 days.

I went home on the same day I gave birth to my first.

But then my nan gave birth to her first at home so didn't even see a hospital (pre nhs!)

All very different experiences.

I have often taken a bag of groceries around for the parents of a new baby and this has always been well received. I do a short visit because I know how tiring and overwhelming those early days are. Wouldn't offer to run the hoover over or wash up though.

My husband had a week off with our first and then my mum stayed for two weeks so I was very supported in the early days. With our second DH had two weeks off and then I had my mum stay again.
I can honestly say with the exception of my mum no one helped. DHs family (except MIL and FIL) were really bad. Expected to be waited on hand and foot, demanding snacks, letting their kids run wild in the house. I kept visits from those people very short.
So I did have help but certainly not a village.

I always leave it a few weeks before visiting anyone with a newborn and always take a few days worth of home cooked meals with me and do a few jobs when I get there.