To think new mums are sometimes misled with the amount of ‘help’ to expect

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Friend recently had a baby and was speaking to me a few weeks later about how no one had ‘helped’ her in the early days. She has a v supportive partner who had 4 weeks off and did at least his fair share and then some but she meant friends and family really. The books she had read said when guests come she should go nap or ask them to do washing etc when in reality she felt cheeky asking them that and no one offered or started doing tasks/chores around the house. Something on social media suggested saying people could visit only if they bought a meal which she apparently suggested to a sibling who came with no meal and thought she was joking. Despite having all their family come, coo and bring gifts and support them emotionally she feels really let down.

It made me think actually that all sounds like normal family behaviour and telling women their visitors will roll their sleeves up and run a hoover around or bring meals is unrealistic. Some family will and it would be lovely to have that obviously but for most people it’s them and their partner who do everything. It certainly was for us!

Exactly this.

If I had a baby tomorrow I wouldn’t suddenly expect a mass of friends to turn up and do the washing up because I don’t have friends like that.
See also hen nights. I wouldn’t expect a bunch of giggly women and everything to look like Instagram because I don’t live in that world.

Who does she think all these people are who are going to turn up? Why would all my friends suddenly do something because I’ve seen it on social media.

It can be a postcode lottery. I was refused access to a diagnostician for C-PTSD as the childhood abuse I suffered wasn't physical, which was apparently the only criterion for the diagnosis/ This is apparently because only physical abuse can cause one to feel a threat to their life, and that is an essential part of the diagnosis.

I have every symptom going but yeah, someone in the NHS had to sit down and tell me that I wasn't sufficiently abused to meet diagnostic parameters.

You can imagine how I felt when Amanda whatsherface got diagnosed with it after Strictly.

Totally agree!

I found it was the isolation that was really hard. My life had been very work focused, and I didn't have any family nearby. Of course, once I stopped work, the connections there stopped pretty much immediately. I felt very lost.

I think there is a difference between nice to have and expected. I had some really nice support from friends and family after DCs were born, but I did not expect it and did not factor it in to my plans. I think anyone that did would indeed be disapointed.

My experience is that we didn't have anyone who offered to help. First time around I thought that was normal and it was during covid. Second time around no one offered either but I went to lots of baby groups and met lots of women who had help. No one had even asked how I was. So in that sense I felt very jealous. I wish I had a mum who could just be an extra pair of hands sometimes because it is harder managing two.
I didn't really see lots of people on social media with help. It was more friends and other mums in groups. It's just the way it is with who we have in our family though (my own mum has passed away).

I remember going to antenatal classes with my second, I was the first to have my baby and as the venue was just round the corner I turned up with a 6 day old baby, one week I was there pregnant and the next I was showing them my baby.

One woman asked if she could hold the baby and I handed him over. She started to cry and I asked what was wrong and she said she'd never held a baby before, never been near a new born and she was so thrilled that she'd now held a new born before hers was born. I thought how scary that must be, I come from a big Irish family, dad has 11 siblings and I was one of the oldest GC so I was so used to looking after babies, babysitting from about 12 or 13 and I just couldn't imagine what it must be like to have a baby when you literally had no idea about even holding a baby. With smaller families maybe this isn't that unusual now but it must make things hard.

And as for this particular thread, it seems strange to expect other people to do the cleaning and cooking when the father is at home for a month

just a reminder that 2/3 of men don’t take two weeks or less paternity leave. So there are many new mothers at home without their partner there.

obviously if you have a selfish layout partner then no, other people shouldn’t be cooking and cleaning while they chill out. But a lot of men simply won’t be home. And those that are might be sleep deprived from helping with night feeds. They might be picking up all the other chores. Doesn’t mean a parent can’t pop round and offer to make a meal or drop some shopping off. But apparently that’s entitled behaviour enabled by social media according MN,

Obviously I didn't want visitors 24/7 but I enjoyed seeing my family and friends when I had a newborn.

It was nice to show off my baby and have people tell me how gorgeous they were

It was nice to have a chat and talk about non baby things with some people and baby things with other people

It was nice to have a bit of company without having to leave my house.

Everyone's different but I really didn't want people round to help me specifically

I really don't get it! The entitlement of some new mums... You've had a baby. You are not sick and life carries on. Get over yourselves 🤨

My mum helped me a lot but I don't remember anyone else helping in the sense of practical tasks. My mum would cook lunch me for instance or take baby out for a walk in the pram. She worked part time, I wouldn't be able to offer the same to any grandchildren because I work full time. That's I think the big generational difference. People aren't available to help, work, live a long way away etc etc. The village is a somewhat old fashioned concept.

When a friend had a baby last year, I brought her (and by extension, her husband) extra portions of whatever we were eating once per week, made tea/coffee and took care of the washing up when I visited, and offered to hold the baby so she could shower. She and her husband were exhausted and deserved a chance to actually sit down. I would have thought that is what friends and family should do without having to be asked.

Yes just wandering into the kitchen and filling the sink. "you don't mind if I do the washing up while you have a little sit down". Done. Then a cup of tea,and if you a push in the pram if bub isn't sleeping. Around the backyard is fine or find a bump in the floor, just a gentle one where it goes from tile to carpet and back and forth over that has never failed me. bub will be snoring in no time

I will never forget when my youngest was barely weeks old, and with a disabled middle child, I was somehow managing to get my eldest to school on time but had to pretty much throw her out of the car to get herself in as I couldn’t carry the other two. She was 5. A lovely group of mums then offered to make sure one of them waited at the car so that I could give the eldest some attention and walk her in. I’ll never forget that even though it was 30 years ago.

I suppose though the visitors who would make good company, aren't going to be the same ones who sit down and wait for a cup of tea when you can barely walk.

I just don't understand how so many women have more than one child because they feel they ought to!

All the ''trying for a girl'' , or ''trying for a boy''...just be happy with the one you have if they are a good kid.

That's lovely, little things can make such a difference.

I remember a mum turning up at school with her new baby who had Down's. Everyone crowded round and said how lovely he was and some asking for a hold. She cried and said we were the first people who had said anything positive about the baby. I thought that was so sad and was so glad she had a bit of new mum experience with people admiring the baby.

I actually think that in the Western world, mothers aren't treated well. We go through long, painful labours, are booted out of hospital as quickly as possible, and are expected to care for our newborn babies alongside immediately resuming running a household, all whilst recovering from birth or major surgery. This is particularly hard on new mums. Imo we are not designed to be the sole providers to newborn babies. And in other cultures this does not happen.

Any other illness or medical events are treated differently. If you break an ankle, people do offer to bring you food. No other major surgery demands so much of you.

I also just think it's really rude and selfish to go and visit a new mum who might be uncomfortable from tears or surgery and not at least offer to wash a couple of pots or make a drink. We would all do this for elderly relatives struggling with mobility.

Idk, the expectation for mum's to just crack on without expecting any support just reeks of misogyny for me.

Say it louder 👏

but all the ‘I had it harder in my day’ and ‘modern women are just pampered pricesses’ brigade won’t hear it.

Bloody hell! She had her partner there with her for 4 weeks and still wanted outside help from ‘the village’?

4 weeks off following the birth of the baby is incredibly fortunate. Why wasn’t he doing everything? Cooking, cleaning, holding the baby while she showers, etc are surely what paternity leave is for.

I could barely walk after DC1 for a couple of weeks. I think DH would have made the tea for visitors.

I wouldn't have had anyone round that I wasn't pleased to see though

And this is it. There was a recent thread that looked at the changes in society over time and across cultures and the trouble with a village is it has disadvantages as well as advantages. It was well worth reading.

Nowadays teenagers don't grow up babysitting, doing the school run and helping with family. (Not up to them, why should they). Neighbours don't babysit each others' kids. Mother-in-laws are told they can only visit on Wednesdays for twenty minutes and are issued strict lists about what they are and are not allowed to do. People's attitudes to the elderly are "not my problem". DH's who want to help their own parents are given ultimata - "them or our family". So the give and take breaks down and the ease and familiarity disappears.
I am sure that if the OP's friend had regularly babysat for her cousins they'd be only too happy to help. If she'd done her neighbour's shopping for a month and provided a fortnight's worth of frozen lasagnes or curries when neighbour was unwell, her neighbour would feel both obliged and comfortable returning the favour.
Things have changed... and it's not just about the changing role of women although that is a big factor.

Oh help 🥹 that’s got me !

Most people who p opped round for a visit were interested in holding the baby. I don't really know where all these books get their ideas from but very few people offered to help beyond washing up their tea cup.

See this is exactly what I thought would be helpful.

I of course want to see/hold the baby anyway but my thought was always I’ll hold the baby, whilst you have a shower, nap, do tea, clean, wash up etc.

I would never expect anyone to come over to cook or clean for me and I would feel awfully rude to suggest that I do the cleaning for them.

I can imagine lots of people on here would be offended if a MIL started cleaning, going by some of the threads.

But if this is something that you would have found helpful, then it’s definitely worth knowing and something I’d offer in the future.

The truth is we live in an individualistic society where we look after ourselves. It's only when we need help e.g after having a baby, or when unwell, that we realise we cannot do this alone (or, it's much better with help).

We are the village and have to create the village. I've done this for friends who are new mums, but between working full time, caring for my mum and looking after my kids it doesn't leave a lot of time to help/ visit.

Any other illness or medical events are treated differently. If you break an ankle, people do offer to bring you food.

Yeah, not in my experience. If you have family and friends who are the type to bring food, they'll do so regardless of why you're incapacitated. If you don't, they won't. I had major surgery with a 12-week recovery time and nobody helped me. I was back in work before it elapsed because I couldn't afford to not be paid.

IMHO it's not that the world just hates mums but wants nothing more than to care for sick people. It has way more to do with the people around you.