Partner starts a big conversation, I share my thoughts, he ends it with I don’t want an argument

[Whattodoforthebesteek]

My other half, infront of his mum, discussed my daughters choices for secondary school, grammar if she should pass, local comprehensive and then threw in private. His mum v much inclined to support her granddaughter getting the best, I asked how much is private and how the be-Jesus could we afford it, esp if you take on board that we have two kids. He said I don’t want an argument. I said I’m not arguing, I’m asking valid questions. I said how could we do two lots of fees totalling £50k a year plus all the trips and expenses (we both work and have a decent mortgage still), he said we’d find a way (is he squirrelling £ or pooping cash). I said what if the bottom fell out of his industry and we had to move them cos we didn’t have the funds, he said it’s better to have had it for a short period than not at all, I said I disagreed and that it would be so hard to go from massive privilege to a comp (which is an excellent comp, should she eleven get a place mid way through the schooling system), he just said he didn’t want an argument and shut down all of my conversations questions and valid concerns. All infront of his mother!
We have only ever discussed private school twice, tonight, and one other time infront of his mother, where she was saying our daughter is so unbelievably gifted she deserves the best education, I thought he was humouring her, and given we hadn’t discussed it previously or since, I shelved it.

Thiughts? I hate not being able to ask, understand, discuss, be involved in such a huge discussion, how dare he. I was the parent who took her round the grammar school and comp open evenings, he wasn’t remotely interested. His friend has sent his daughter to a private school cos their house was poorly located for any decent comps. We moved house especially to be in the catchment of a really decent well regarded comp, I feel blind sided. I am from a working class background and this whole discussion makes me uncomfortable. I want to have a balanced understanding, I don’t want to throw baby out with the bath water, but I feel my other half is being manipulative and controlling and undermining. Thoughts please

He's obviously brought it up as he is hinting his mum should pay/help pay. But obviously you weren't privvy to this game plan. He sounds like a dick.

That would never happen, they would never pay and he would never ask them too.

Not a conversation I would have in front of his parents.

I would assume that either he was hinting or that he was just making idle conversation.

Either way it's not the time to have a massive row with him about it.

It sounds like it has been thrown in there because he knows that's what his mum wants to hear. But he didn't expect you to start questioning it in front of her and so shut you down. An absolute dick move. But surely the appropriate way to deal with it is to park it whilst with his mother, but ask him what the hell he was up to when it's just the two of you.

He's being a dick. He doesn't need to discuss anything in front of mummy. You are the parents. What he's doing is demonstrating that he's prepared to send the child to private school and that you are the barrier to her receiving this wonderful education. While, doing fuck all research or effort to establish exactly what is out there and how the schools compare to each other.

I think I'd have said something like 'hmm, well there would obviously be a lot of things to think about before we could even consider if that is a possibility' and then moved the subject on.
Too big to discuss in front of a third party.

Cross this bridge when you come to it.

Absolutely no point in having a (heated) discussion about something that may or may not need to happen in the future.

My DH and I have had similar discussions regarding secondary schools - there is no way we could afford private school, it's a total pipe dream - but I dont say any of this as he would just get defensive, I just smile and nod and don't commit to anything.

Save the 'real' discussions for when you need to actually submit secondary school choices.

I don't think I would have challenged him infront of his mother. How embarrassing. I probably would have just confirmed we're considering all options. Or something equally non-committal.

It probably did sound very argumentative in front of his mum. It would be better to discuss it in private. Especially as he doesn't seem to be that involved in the decision making given he didn't go to the open days, so maybe it was just chitchat. But if he uses the don't want to have an argument line when it's just you, there obviously an issue. Do you think he would make the decision without your input? Or is it more that he just won't communicate?

Perhaps try a more light-hearted response in future, instead of going on the attack with how the hell could we afford private, either say you took your daughter round x school and thought it was great because ABC. Or alternatively laugh and say private school would be lovely if we won the lottery.

If she's as gifted as he thinks, she'll get into the grammar school- surely?

I didn’t ask how the hell could we afford it, I was shocked that this had come up again in conversation and asked how much it would cost for the two of our children to have such an education.

I thank you for your perspective, if I’m understanding the counter point to mine, I should not overly react to anything he says in company and address everything in private. That has been his response to me on many occasions.

That's exactly what he's hoping for though. No other reason to do it in this way.

He's a dreamer, likes talking his thoughts out loud.

This is my concern, the family thinks my daughter is so clever and that our son is so loud and full of energy and simply put, annoying. This polarisation of how his family categorise my kids makes me uncomfortable. I do not feel my daughter is any more gifted or advanced than her peers, and I do not feel my son is any louder or more excitable than his.

Maybe this.

We are home now I’ll see if he wants to have a discussion.

If he didn't want to to react to what he said in company he shouldn't be raising it in company.

Good answer.

I made us both a cup of tea and asked if we could talk, he said he doesn’t want to talk to me now, that he is tired. I said I wanted to just talk about the one conversation, nothing more. He said he did nothing wrong and that I had overreacted by asking questions, he said his thoughts and that it wasn’t the time for any further discussion. He said that he had added a third option of private schools, to which I said yes but is it really an option, he said yes with no explanation, but just said to me that he would happily sell the house and down size, to which I said, this is a big thing that we would need to discuss, to which he called me a hypocrite 🤯 I had said about another comprehensive school that was meant to be really good but we would have to move house to get into it’s catchment 🤯 - I said I have no idea how that makes me a hypocrite, move for a catchment versus private, that he has only just said could be funded by downsizing

He said he isn’t interested in talking too me about this, that he has no interest in talking to be about anything. He told me to ring his mum to hear from her what he actually said as he’d done nothing wrong.

Seems like he can afford to send her by his lack of interest in your input. Let him cover the costs and send her to the best he can 🙂

I know your post is about school options but sounds like there is a bigger issue? Is he normally so controlling in conversations?

He is a fantasist.

If you have already looked at grammars and the local comp is DD year 6? Does he even know how admissions works? Surely it's too late to change strategy even if you wanted to?

Christ! That simple straight forward conversation got twisted spectacularly!!!

He sounds awful, how can anything be sensibly discussed if any normal back and forth exchange is turned into a faux argument.

Talk about defensive! Wonder if he knows you can't afford private and really hates that. Would explain his weird attitude.

This man needs to get out of his nappy and from under his mummy’s apron and show some respect for his wife.
This is a major decision to be discussed between the parents of the child, and MIL should NOT even be in the equation, it’s none of her business.
I’m really sorry OP, you have an obnoxious husband who is encouraged and supported by a very disrespectful MIL, and I’m trying hard to imagine how I would handle it.
It seems he’s playing the ‘I don’t want to argue’ game which gives him power. He hopes it’ll make it appear to your MIL that you cannot have a sensible discussion about your DD’s future education and your finances without it leading to an argument. He’s manipulative.
I think I would agree to move home, and given that he has no interest in speaking to you about anything I’d be suggesting he goes back to live with his precious mummy, whilst you and your children move forward without him.
On a final note, if you have a conversation with him I would suggest you keep your voice level and one tone, leave out any emotion, show no misery, no happiness, be a robot, and don’t rise to it if he tries to goad you into an argument because that’s exactly what he wants so he can shut you down again. If he accuses you of anything simply smile and no response, because if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got. Take away his power. He deserves nothing less.
I wish you luck, and again I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

I don’t think your issues are about how you can give your children the best education.