Partner starts a big conversation, I share my thoughts, he ends it with I don’t want an argument

[Whattodoforthebesteek]

My other half, infront of his mum, discussed my daughters choices for secondary school, grammar if she should pass, local comprehensive and then threw in private. His mum v much inclined to support her granddaughter getting the best, I asked how much is private and how the be-Jesus could we afford it, esp if you take on board that we have two kids. He said I don’t want an argument. I said I’m not arguing, I’m asking valid questions. I said how could we do two lots of fees totalling £50k a year plus all the trips and expenses (we both work and have a decent mortgage still), he said we’d find a way (is he squirrelling £ or pooping cash). I said what if the bottom fell out of his industry and we had to move them cos we didn’t have the funds, he said it’s better to have had it for a short period than not at all, I said I disagreed and that it would be so hard to go from massive privilege to a comp (which is an excellent comp, should she eleven get a place mid way through the schooling system), he just said he didn’t want an argument and shut down all of my conversations questions and valid concerns. All infront of his mother!
We have only ever discussed private school twice, tonight, and one other time infront of his mother, where she was saying our daughter is so unbelievably gifted she deserves the best education, I thought he was humouring her, and given we hadn’t discussed it previously or since, I shelved it.

Thiughts? I hate not being able to ask, understand, discuss, be involved in such a huge discussion, how dare he. I was the parent who took her round the grammar school and comp open evenings, he wasn’t remotely interested. His friend has sent his daughter to a private school cos their house was poorly located for any decent comps. We moved house especially to be in the catchment of a really decent well regarded comp, I feel blind sided. I am from a working class background and this whole discussion makes me uncomfortable. I want to have a balanced understanding, I don’t want to throw baby out with the bath water, but I feel my other half is being manipulative and controlling and undermining. Thoughts please

Do you know how many people think their partner will be fair if they split and it just doesn't happen.

He doesn't sound at all
Like he'll be reasonable of you split up.

My realty is that no one out side of the four of us knows the reality and my family, parents and brother think I’m selfish for not being content. They see how generous he is, that he is a great provider, loves diy, helps with the house etc etc So let your brother and your parents move in with him then. See how they get on with him when he starts cutting off their opinions. And what do your dad and your brother know about emotional abuse and being constantly gaslighted? Has anyone done it to them? No? So they’ve got sod all idea of what they’re talking about.

When we discussed splitting up last year my parents, my dad said it’s not just about me, or I should be thinking of the kids Well yes, he would be telling you not to leave, wouldn’t he? Because what happens if your mum sees how happy and free you are and starts getting ideas about leaving him? And you are thinking of the kids. You’re teaching them not to accept an utterly miserable marriage just because one party likes doing diy and is willing to share his salary. That’s a gilded cage if ever I saw it.

my brother told me to give my partner what he wants, it’s not a big deal and to be less selfish There speaks a man who doesn’t want the status quo rocked. I wonder if his own marriage might not be that happy?

I grew up in a physically abusive home, so if my mum stayed with domestic violence why would I go when I have a gentle partner and financial success He’s not gentle. He’s emotionally abusive. She had it physically crap so you have to stay because he’s only making you miserable and not leaving you with bruises? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. And there’s more to life than money. And by the same logic, you could say that your mum stayed with domestic violence and showed you not to accept any shit from any man.

my mum could never afford to leave and from a very young age my focus was to earn enough to never be trapped And you’ve done it. So why are you letting their ill informed opinions keep you trapped?

Thank you. I mean it, thank you all.

It’s so hard but you are worth so much more. We get broken down by these men sometimes and believe what they say as we he been made to doubt ourselves. The killer question for me is would you consider it acceptable to treat him as he’s treated you? And if not then why accept someone treating you like this. I’ve been there too; it’s better out of it I promise. Good luck.

Im sorry you don't have family support. Your family may well think it's selfish for you to leave, but they don't have to live with him. They don't question their own sanity and self-worth. This is not a healthy relationship for you.

I've had all the comments about how wonderful my H is. Well, he doesn't beat you. He doesn't drink. He doesn't cheat. He doesn't womanise. He does more than your father ever did for the children. This is just how men behave. Ect. Then I've had all the justifications. Maybe he did x because of y. It makes me feel very isolated.

Its your life @Whattodoforthebesteek you can't live like this. You can't communicate with him. He has you on the edge all the time. It's not healthy. He changes the narrative to suit himself.

You don't need his permission to end the relationship. This is the bit I'm trying to work on at the moment. I've told him I'm done and he's just carrying on as normal.

Unless he's a risk to the kids I don't see why he shouldn't have 50:50. Although, it does need to truly be 50:50. He needs to cover his days on sickness and school holidays. I recently read about someone doing 50:50 but shewas still doing all the drop offs, pick ups, after-school care and meals. They were literally just sleeping atsads half the week. She couldn't work. It was just a means to further control her and not pay maintainance.

Anyhow, you do what you need to do to be happy. You only have one life.

Please keep posting (on a device that is password protected and with notifications switched off).

None of this is normal or reasonable.

Your children are getting a shocking example of what family life should be!

Get a solicitor. A really good one. You need someone in your corner. Make contact with friends, especially ones he's discouraged you from seeing (I bet there are some?)

I think he is going to be very difficult to co-parent with.

@WilfredsPies 👏👏👏👏

Absolutely.

You could try to get your family to understand, send them the four horsemen article etc... But really, I think you need to quietly get on with it and keep your energy for the fight not wasting it on your detractors who have no real insight into what you're coping with.

Because being treated like a pet parrot whose gone faulty and needs corrective responses if you don't echo the party line is dehumanising.

It was a discussion about the disagreement they’d had. OP knew it was going to be a tricky one because it wasn’t an easy neutral topic.

I see what you're saying.

But also think that back to work after Xmas holidays isn't that big a deal (unless maybe you work in hostage negotiation or something), so if you have to dance that carefully around him on basic bread and butter topics then you're on a hiding to nowhere as it's not a sustainable way to relate to a fellow adult, and the way you phrased it with the 'mate' (message = you should have realised) rather validated his essentially shit and pathetic position.

I'm sure op already knows plenty about dancing attendance on his moods and navigating those pesky eggshells.

It doesn't sound like she did anything close to a massive row, it was him being confrontational saying "I don't want to argue". That's the typical way for someone to shut down discussion by gaslighting that sharing an opinion that doesn't match theirs is arguing.

I didn’t even get to even comment on my thoughts of private school, I asked about its affordability cos I truly didn’t know, and that was the end of the subject, end of any eye contact and any acknowledgment I was in the room.

I think this would be me given our current set up.
I am part time at 28 hrs, i do 3 six hour days, start after drop up stop in time for pick up, 1 do one long 10 hour day with an hours journey there and an hours back, this day he drops off and his mum collects, then Friday I am off and do school runs…. I have to be in the office for a minimal number of hours so if I were able to up my hours I’d do 2 standard days in the office and work Friday.

My expectation would be that we get half the equity in the house each and he’d give me half of the financial loss for being part time, so 37.5-28, 9.5, 4/5 hours reduction… and half the kids expenses, swimming classes clothes etc

ill get advice, thank you all

So he didn't want to discuss it later in the evening but you kept on at him. What bit of ‘I don't want to talk about it now’ did you not understand?

It was an exasperated mate. Communication between them is already difficult so why start a discussion about a “discussion” in less than ideal circumstances.

OP shouldn’t have to think that carefully about when she speaks but this isn’t a good relationship anyway so there are those eggshell considerations to think about.

Agree

You’re not married - he wont have to give you anything to let you continue part time. And if you have the children 50/50 you wont be entitled to any maintenance. It’ll be 50/50 on additional child costs where you both agree.

You should work out your figures on the basis of your legal share of the house, your own income, savings and pension and a token £30 a week for the kids, and anything else will be a bonus.

Your expectations sound a bit optimistic…

What you get from the house will depend on how it is owned and what you put into it.

You aren’t owed back pay for parenting. The decision to go PT was one you made together.

Most men only contribute what CMS tells them to and as he is self-employed it will be hard slog as he’ll under-report his earnings to minimise his payments towards the kids.

I know, thank you.
half the equity of the house, and half the costs relating to the kids.
I can go full time, but he can’t support with the childcare easily cos of his business, so the choice would be there for us to make together.

Two houses in decent school catchments is going to be challenging but not impossible, will take a bit if time, and the housing market is slow, so selling this would be the first priority and could take time.

I genuinely don’t know how he runs his own company, but this gives him weight to say it’s me not him, cos he doesn’t have issues with other people, with other people he is liked and understood and therefore he doesn’t understand what my issues are.

Yes, ofc he is liked by his employees and has no issues with them . I've worked for utter arsehole bosses but never told them what I really thought of them: why on earth would I ? What purpose would it serve other than to make me feel good for 5 nanoseconds and mark my card for the rest of my time there? Few speak truth to power when their employment choices are limited and they have bills to pay and a family to look after.

Do you think he's all that intelligent OP? You're having very normal conversations with him, which as soon as you start throwing in your two pen'orth, he says he's tired and you need to shut up about it. It's as if you are making good and valid points which blow his "rationale" out the water and he can't cope with that so needs to tell you to not talk anymore? Your point about the long term affordability of private school was valid: he responded by saying however short a time she was there would be entirely worth it. Which anyone with a brain cell would know was utter nonsense.

Have a look on mumsnet for a free pdf book called "Why Does He Do that," by Lundy Bancroft. It looks at the profile types of men who abuse women: you might find him and his MO descibed in there.

The house before this was bought on my income cos his company was in its infancy, I had greater share of that house. This house we have a 50:50 ownership agreement.
I think half the house and half the kids costs isn’t optimistic, it’s realistic. Anything else is choices, stay part time and agree something or change to part time.

he is a really generous person, and wouldn’t see me short, I know this, and maybe proven wrong, but I can’t see it in a month of Sundays. Pls note though I only want what’s fair.

I think my expectations are fair, I’ve not suggested anything that isn’t just (I don’t think).

Sorry, meant change to full time

You only need one house in the relevant school catchment - the house of the person making the application. So, you.

Could it be his address for the school applications? He will have a healthier budget than me.

I think your biggest challenge will be the number of conversations you will need to have to actualise this scenario.

Then you could be landed with a nightmare school run.