Partner starts a big conversation, I share my thoughts, he ends it with I don’t want an argument

[Whattodoforthebesteek]

My other half, infront of his mum, discussed my daughters choices for secondary school, grammar if she should pass, local comprehensive and then threw in private. His mum v much inclined to support her granddaughter getting the best, I asked how much is private and how the be-Jesus could we afford it, esp if you take on board that we have two kids. He said I don’t want an argument. I said I’m not arguing, I’m asking valid questions. I said how could we do two lots of fees totalling £50k a year plus all the trips and expenses (we both work and have a decent mortgage still), he said we’d find a way (is he squirrelling £ or pooping cash). I said what if the bottom fell out of his industry and we had to move them cos we didn’t have the funds, he said it’s better to have had it for a short period than not at all, I said I disagreed and that it would be so hard to go from massive privilege to a comp (which is an excellent comp, should she eleven get a place mid way through the schooling system), he just said he didn’t want an argument and shut down all of my conversations questions and valid concerns. All infront of his mother!
We have only ever discussed private school twice, tonight, and one other time infront of his mother, where she was saying our daughter is so unbelievably gifted she deserves the best education, I thought he was humouring her, and given we hadn’t discussed it previously or since, I shelved it.

Thiughts? I hate not being able to ask, understand, discuss, be involved in such a huge discussion, how dare he. I was the parent who took her round the grammar school and comp open evenings, he wasn’t remotely interested. His friend has sent his daughter to a private school cos their house was poorly located for any decent comps. We moved house especially to be in the catchment of a really decent well regarded comp, I feel blind sided. I am from a working class background and this whole discussion makes me uncomfortable. I want to have a balanced understanding, I don’t want to throw baby out with the bath water, but I feel my other half is being manipulative and controlling and undermining. Thoughts please

Mate! His first day back at work!

Choose your timing wisely - it’s half the battle. Far better to wait and get the result than rush to get things off your chest.

If happened, he stopped me from talking in the actual moment, he said his opinions and I wasn’t allowed to speak on the matter. I waited til we got home and put the kids to bed, made him a cuppa and asked to speak, he said no too tired. I had zero sleep, he had undisrupted sleep. I have walked on egg shells being ignored this morning then he acted like everything was normal this afternoon, I put the kids to bed and asked again to talk.

I think you’re flogging a dead horse. And you’re wasting your time and energy doing it, when you could be getting on with being happy again. Nothing you say is going to change him or the way he communicates with you. There’s no point in trying to put your opinion over because he isn’t hearing you. All he is hearing from you is ‘let’s have an argument about this’. You are wasting so much of your own energy trying to change him and if he’s not prepared to put the work in, you are never going to get a different result. And it’s not going to result in happier children. The atmosphere in your house must be quite tense.

Re the school, I’d be inclined to just not mention it again. You know you can’t afford it, and you know he can’t afford it, so just continue with your plans to get her into the best school you can. If he starts talking about downsizing so you can afford to send her for two years, then have her drop out and go to the local comp, tell him he’ll need to fund that himself. What’s he going to do? Drag you before a Judge to complain that you’re prioritising housing over a few terms of private education for his favourite child?

It was a standard parental chat about school choice for a child, you could have that over cornflakes while heading to your vasectomy appointment after a career crucial presentation to the board if you weren't an evasive knob. 🙄

I am exhausted and disappointed, but I’m also feeling ill. I think we both know what’s coming, but I don’t know when he will feel willing to have a conversation, too tired, too exhausting, work, kids… I also work.
Coparenting will require better communication than we are currently capable of. My poor babies x

Fuck his conversation then. He can discuss everything via family court if he refuses to lower himself to engage with you directly.

He's a pathetic specimin.

Ive tried to steer the issue to his repeated behaviour of shutting me down in conversations and expecting me to know when to talk and when to not, he has a thing that I shouldn’t engage in debate with his family that I should know it will get heated, but his dad and I like a good chat, I work for the nhs and he asks me about it. My other half gets annoyed if I don’t respect his preferences cos he doesn’t like the confrontation, but I don’t see it as confrontational, it’s conversation. He is very opinionated and tells his brothers exactly what he thinks on all sorts of topics, but he can as it’s his family.
He said he shut the school conversation down cos I was getting heated and he didn’t want that, he had said his bit and that there was no need for me to add to it. he summarised what he said very differently, saying he simply said there is a potential third choice of private schools which we haven’t yet discussed (he did not say this, this would have been perfect). I’m trying to talk about his expectations of me versus the specific school conversation, and he is only discussing the school conversation but now with a very twisted tale of what he said and I said.

anyway, I’m exhausted and confused whether I’m coming or going. At one point he said he never shut me down then he said he bluntly shut me down, when i pointed out he said he never then he said he did, and he told me I was exhausting.

Thank you again for all your comments, it’s helped with my sanity xx

He's exhausted! You're exhausted! Hell, even I'm vicariously exhausted (black humour).

But of course it's tiring when up can become down, black can become white, there's one rule for him another for you... You're shooting at a moving goal all the time. Naturally that's exhausting.

He's either not conscious he's doing it, in which case he has some serious communication issues. Or he knows what he's doing and and is playing horrible games in an effort to keep you off balance so he's in the driving seat all the time. You'll know which it is better than us, but neither are conducive to good teamwork. ☹️

This post is exhausting me! But I’m grateful too for the log of who said what before it’s utterly morphed into a different he said she scenario… I appreciate the comments and time, thank you

I genuinely don’t know how he runs his own company, but this gives him weight to say it’s me not him, cos he doesn’t have issues with other people, with other people he is liked and understood and therefore he doesn’t understand what my issues are.

Whereas for me I feel so uneasy it is effecting my relationships with others cos i feel I have no control at all, I feel insecure and I need validation (hence my post) cos I’m second guessing my reality and I’ve tried so much self improvement to address me, but then I conclude it’s not me… and if it is unintentional behaviour from him he doesn’t care to understand it or try to change it

I’ve just looked back at my previous aibu post from August, and I feel awful. I’d forgotten the responses from people. It’s solidified the negative impact it is having on our children x

So he starts a conversation about a big topic, you participate but don’t agree with him, he says “no arguments” then he refuses to talk about it later cos he is “too tired”. Manipulative and infuriating. I would hate that. Does he do this frequently? Sounds super annoying.

Maybe being boss of his own company means that everyone is deferential to him so he is content to communicate clearly because he doesn't feel threatened.
He can issue edicts from on high and no one is going to quibble.
If he's feeling generous he could enquire about anothers opinion (though isn't compelled to do so), in doing this he would be a 'gracious benign boss'.

Whereas a spousal relationship is more one of parity and both opinions count and decisions are a process of discuss/negotiate... Maybe that's not his style / he is psychologically ill equipped for that dynamic?

I genuinely don’t know how he runs his own company, but this gives him weight to say it’s me not him, cos he doesn’t have issues with other people, with other people he is liked and understood and therefore he doesn’t understand what my issues are Well that’s an easy question. Either he’s trying to please people, or people are trying to please him. Everyone is on their best behaviour. Nobody is telling their boss he’s a dickhead. He’s not going to be shutting down his clients and refusing to listen to them.

I think we both know what’s coming, but I don’t know when he will feel willing to have a conversation, too tired, too exhausting, work, kids… I also work.
Coparenting will require better communication than we are currently capable of. My poor babies x I suspect your babies will be more relieved than you think. I also think that you need to get out of the mindset of discussing stuff with him. He’s never going to give you what you want. So announce it. ‘I’m ending our relationship. I’ve found somewhere to stay with the children and I’ve consulted a solicitor ready to assist in drawing up a formal custody agreement and financial division. I suggest you do the same.’ Job done. The time for discussion was when you asked him to go to therapy with you. You’re way past that point now.

It’s sad but it is time to go. It’s not working. It will be better to be split up. My ex was like this, I used to spend my life on eggshells. Am only sad I didn’t split earlier- it took me years!

As I pointed out to him we generally coexist and don’t even talk anymore, to which he said is normal.

He will ask my opinion on something and has a habit of continually asking until I say what he wants to hear.

nearly every time I speak to him his response is pardon, which drives me insane

The kids can be asking him something and maybe on the third or fourth repeat I’ll shout from up stairs, can you please answer him/ her

his love languages are acts of service and gifts, he is a real do’er, he does so much in the house, and well.

my love languages are commutation and touch

I cannot see how it's possible to have an equal relationship with someone who stonewalls you at every turn. Small wonder you feel you are going mad. He can't or won't change.

We aren’t married so there isn’t much to ‘do’
the house is in joint names, we will need to sell it and split the equity to get something each.

He earns more but I have no entitlement, I believe he will be more than fair though.

The kids!!! I know he wants equal custody, as we discussed this last February…

There you go. For mine, he’d be choosing, today. The choice is a supportive life with his own children or separated and hanging out with his parents, this is about him not you.

in the situation you’d describe I’d say when you put together a budget for this we can look at it. And that would be end of discussion for me.

I think it’s deep routed and he doesn’t see any issues, he deflects it to being my problem, he won’t address anything that is clear

This is pretty abusive...

He's shutting any convo down coming citing differing reasons....

Do you want to live like this for rest of your life??

This is not good role modeling for your kids... Is this how you want your daughter to understand women's role in relationship... That she can be expected to be shut down /devalued??

Look up the Gottmans work if you've not seen...

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

No, it’s not normal, or healthy.

I’m not too convinced by all this love languages stuff. It strikes me that it gives people an excuse to be a bit shit in various areas. He does stuff around the house but he still needs to be functioning in all the other departments too. Maybe I’ll be more convinced when people start saying that their love language is not being a dickhead?

And the kids are rapidly approaching the age where they’ll be the ones deciding where they want to be. If they have to ask him something 23 times before he deigns to answer them, he might find himself in for a bit of a shock. Get yourself a solicitor. Tell him what you want. Let him provide reasons why he can’t/won’t give it to you.

What @Snowkitty said...

"Unfortunately I don't see how he's ever going to improve, he obviously doesn't respect you, thinks he's superior to you and only he has the answers, so isn't prepared to listen to anything you have to say about big life decisions."...

I think this is exactly right... Suspect it's a need to come over as big swinging dick...

If he was genuinely serious about this rather than the fantasy he'd have it all well researched and thought out to present a case to you....

Which he hasn't... And all the stonewalling /dismissiveness would be enough for me to end our relationship...

Bingo, we have the full house
I have read this before and it’s so true.

My realty is that no one out side of the four of us knows the reality and my family, parents and brother think I’m selfish for not being content. They see how generous he is, that he is a great provider, loves diy, helps with the house etc etc

When we discussed splitting up last year my parents, my dad said it’s not just about me, or I should be thinking of the kids, and my brother told me to give my partner what he wants, it’s not a big deal and to be less selfish

I grew up in a physically abusive home, so if my mum stayed with domestic violence why would I go when I have a gentle
partner and financial success.

Judgement judgement judgement

my mum could never afford to leave and from a very young age my focus was to earn enough to never be trapped.

I’m glad I have these posts to read back on when I waiver.

im generally so exhausted from any communication with him that by the time I’ve expressed myself and actually been heard I’m so relieved I m in a high and go into a state of pause/ restock my energy.
I need to just push through and get passed the drained feeling xxxx thank you x

I think that if you grew up in a home where domestic violence was present then a) your parents are not the ones to advise and you should take no notice, and b) this will have affected your own perception of what is acceptable behaviour and you will probably be a people pleaser to avoid any conflict

Thank you, I agree, but it took reading that for it to sink in