Partner starts a big conversation, I share my thoughts, he ends it with I don’t want an argument

[Whattodoforthebesteek]

My other half, infront of his mum, discussed my daughters choices for secondary school, grammar if she should pass, local comprehensive and then threw in private. His mum v much inclined to support her granddaughter getting the best, I asked how much is private and how the be-Jesus could we afford it, esp if you take on board that we have two kids. He said I don’t want an argument. I said I’m not arguing, I’m asking valid questions. I said how could we do two lots of fees totalling £50k a year plus all the trips and expenses (we both work and have a decent mortgage still), he said we’d find a way (is he squirrelling £ or pooping cash). I said what if the bottom fell out of his industry and we had to move them cos we didn’t have the funds, he said it’s better to have had it for a short period than not at all, I said I disagreed and that it would be so hard to go from massive privilege to a comp (which is an excellent comp, should she eleven get a place mid way through the schooling system), he just said he didn’t want an argument and shut down all of my conversations questions and valid concerns. All infront of his mother!
We have only ever discussed private school twice, tonight, and one other time infront of his mother, where she was saying our daughter is so unbelievably gifted she deserves the best education, I thought he was humouring her, and given we hadn’t discussed it previously or since, I shelved it.

Thiughts? I hate not being able to ask, understand, discuss, be involved in such a huge discussion, how dare he. I was the parent who took her round the grammar school and comp open evenings, he wasn’t remotely interested. His friend has sent his daughter to a private school cos their house was poorly located for any decent comps. We moved house especially to be in the catchment of a really decent well regarded comp, I feel blind sided. I am from a working class background and this whole discussion makes me uncomfortable. I want to have a balanced understanding, I don’t want to throw baby out with the bath water, but I feel my other half is being manipulative and controlling and undermining. Thoughts please

Call the education authority for the area and find out how the catchment works where the separated parents live in different areas. Get the info direct not 3rd party.

True and secondary they will be expected to travel independently too
don’t want my budget to prevent them going to the better comp.

Excellent advice, thank you

Nearly every woman who leaves her husband thinks he’ll be fair and wouldn’t see her short. Probably 1 in a thousand aren’t disappointed. Men will go to extreme lengths and spend thousands in court to deprive their ex and kids of every penny they can.

My own dad forged my mum’s signature and emptied their joint accounts, sold her stocks and shares and took the money etc. He also bankrupted his business (she was a director so had a claim on assets) and staged a robbery to empty the house of all the valuable antiques, my mum’s jewellery and every single piece of furniture (then took all the money from the insurance claim) and told her he’d rather see us living in a council house than pay her anything. He’s worth millions but would rather his kids sat on the floor because he stole the sofa. He’s an extreme example but most men will act in a similar vein.

Once you split you are on your own financially. You’ll have to fight for CMS with him being SE as he’ll reduce his income to nothing.

He will not pay for you to stay part time and he won’t split kids expenses 50/50.

You need to leave but you also need to drop the naivety. He doesn’t treat you well now. He’s going to treat you worse when you split. Can you see if you can go full time at work? Start saving now.

ETA: my dad had been quite scornful of a friend of his who had treated his ex similarly and had told my mum often that he’d never be able to see his kids go without and he’d never behave like that! You can put a price on your principles it seems. When men leave the family they do it wholeheartedly.

Do not make decisions based on what you would do if the boot were on the other foot.

Two books that you might find helpful op.

One is how to deal with becoming a single parent:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Wheres-Daddy-Divorced-Widowed-Mothers/dp/0879516275
This book is a great how to and covers a lot of bases for what you might go through.

And invisible wounds about the effects of and breaking free from emotionally abusive relationships. The corrosive effects of the treatment you get is valid
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Invisible-Wounds-Healing-Relationships-Recovery/dp/0473536293

Thank you ❤️

Update - the kids were at my brothers for an hour this afternoon and so he suggested we talked, having had a very polite quiet few days, he simply asked if I agreed that’s we’d run our course/ come to an end, I said I did. It was all very easy oddly, I had a few tears but was strong.

So now we need to come up with a plan. He is very quiet and seemingly sad, I am sad too but I also need a plan of action, i need comfort I’m going to be ok. I suggested we get the house valued, he offered for me to stay here but I don’t want too,

we haven’t told anyone yet as we aren’t quite composed enough to talk to the kids, need to get to grips with emotions so can discuss with them and have some answers ready.

thank you so much for your support and advice x

it’s sad but this is your chance for a new start. Good luck

I am afraid you are being over optimistic and rather unrealistic with regard to finances and suggest you get legal advice.

Could you explain what is optimistic in what I have said? I genuinely don’t know. The equity in the house, we gave a contract. Do you mean him paying for the children’s expenses 50:50?

It's optimistic to think that finances will be shared equally following a split, particularly where self-employment is involved.

Doesn't mean you're wrong to be optimistic but you should plan for the worst (with good legal advice), hope for the best.

I know ONE family which has approached co-parenting following a split in a mature and sensible way with seemingly little resentment on either side (children shared between the original couple and each went on to have more with new partners). Lots of extended family help on both sides though and everyone works in the same industry.

OP, it’s sad. Of course it is. Nobody goes into marriage thinking it will end in divorce. But you know that this is the right thing to do. And by him suggesting it, you will hopefully avoid any bad behaviour caused by his bruised ego.

In your shoes, I’d start making a Plan B. I know he’s said 50/50 expenses for the children, but as his life moves on, and if/when he meets someone else, you might find that he’s suddenly much keener to start using the CMS calculator. As he’s self employed and can hide whatever he wants to hide, I’d very secretly start gathering copies of every document you can get your hands on. I know you trust him to stick to his word, but there are hundreds and hundreds of women on here who thought exactly the same thing about their own estranged partners, only to discover a nasty surprise when it came down to it. It’s always better to hope for the best but prepare for the worst when it comes to trusting someone who is looking out for themselves.

Yes exactly that. I anticipate he will at some stage find out what CMS will award and go with that however "good" a dad he is now. In my experience even the good ones get to the stage where they don't want to hand cash to the ex even its for their children.

The house proceeds will be split according to contract drawn up but don't expect anything other than what he is legally obliged to pay for the children. It will be a bonus if he does.

Update
calmly agreed to separate, I felt sad but also more relieved and relaxed than I ever expected too

I tried to ask him about next steps

he has since cried and broken down, and sought counselling, and apologised for not doing so before, and he has now asked me to go on a family holiday, which I have declined, pointing out that’s exactly what happened last year.

last night as he walked past me he tucked my feet in my blanket.

we are sleeping separately, we definitely discussed we were done, but now I’m so confused as to what’s going on around me.

i feel if i repeat our conversation with him now it’ll be like smacking Bambi, but i am so confused by his behaviour

I emailed to get a house valuation organised today, so I’ll tel him that tonight. Bring him back to our conversation.

Well done.
I am sure it hurts but better days are coming.
Good luck.

Stand firm OP: yes, you are confused by his behaviour because he knows he's fucked up and is trying to row back ...TO WHERE YOU'VE BEEN BEFORE WITH HIM.

Keep your eyes on the prize of moving out to your own place and not being subjected on a daily basis to his appalling communication style. He can always work hard on improving himself can't he? Just say "I'm glad you're seeking counselling, I think you'll be happier for it in the long run." Don't let him use it to persuade you to stay with him. He's still who he was 2 weeks ago.

Well done, not in a patronising way but for standing up for how you feel x

I would be very careful if I were you. I’m wondering whether he might have thought that talking about divorce would frighten you enough to bring you ‘back in line’. Either that, or he’s had time to think about the practicalities of being without you and he has frightened himself.

And after the fear and sadness subsides, the anger is going to follow shortly afterwards. How dare you divorce him? And that’s when he’ll try and control you with money. Or, rather, with the threat of paying the bare minimum rather than the 50/50 split he’s agreeing to now. Please don’t trust him and please start making a Plan B so you aren’t dependent on him sticking to his word.