AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

Yeah, this basically.

What sort of prick takes his child away from it's mother to dump them on his current girlfriend?

Yes, this. What is this woman thinking? You don’t move in with and then get ENGAGED to a man with a little girl if you have no intention of being a family with them.

I agree that this set up simply isn’t workable for you. Both your and your dp’s expectations of each other are totally mismatched.

I also happen to think your dp is being a bit of a lazy arse as he effectively seems to think he only has to do 25% of the parenting of his dd.

THIS

To do the kind thing, op, I think you need to walk away.

I understand where you are coming from but your SD will pick up on this and your partner will be resentful.
As hard as it is, it may be time to say goodbye to the relationship

Of course he wants a family for her - with you playing the traditional caregiver role when his daughter is with you. Much easier for him isn’t it? He wants you (and your daughter) to be the caregivers and entertainers. You could test the waters by making yourself much less available to him when his daughter is here and see how keen he is to do all the actual parenting.

I’m assuming you live together? Ultimately I don’t think there is a way you can ‘fade out’ of her life if you and your partner are living together given her age. It would be easier if she was 18+ but she’s a child. I don’t think it’s realistic you can live together and her stay however often and you not have the role of step parent. I think you need to live separately if that’s what you want.

Lol at musical chairs, more like musical beds!

It never used to be this bad, this "living together" obsession. I'm guessing it's purely for financial reasons.

This isn’t a job offer, where you figure you’ll accept but then try and renegotiate some of the responsibilities down the line. She’s a 6 year old child, the experiences she has now will have a huge impact on her emotional wellbeing in the future. If you don’t want to play an important role in the life of a six year old child, then for god’s sake- don’t get into a relationship with her Dad.

I can see both sides of this. Sounds cheeky that he waits for you to take her to the park. He can say it’s because he ‘craves a family unit’, but it could also be because then someone else can do the heavy lifting with the 6yo. Wants a ‘Family unit’, therefore you can’t take a shower. Hmmm

But of course this bloke came with a toddler.

You have very different expectations and yours are unrealistic.

I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.
Because (I thought) we agreed that our girls would have us to themselves a bit more.

He has his DD 50:50 and has for the past 18 months. You’re engaged to him. You can’t marry him and expect to keep a 6 year old, who is around for 50% of the time, at arm’s length. A 15 year old is going to want plenty of time and space to herself. A 6 year old isn’t going to sit in her room for three hours on her own. She needs continuous monitoring and input from adults and to be included in family life.

If his DD were 12 or 13 maybe you could have things the way you wanted but I think it’s unworkable with a 6 year old.

You were being ridiculous thinking you could separate all these things out into different pockets of time. You need to leave them well aline otherwise this poor young child is going to be damaged.

Seems he just wants a 'nanny with a fanny'.

I think if you don’t want to be a “proper” family unit then you shouldn’t be in a serious relationship with someone with small children. Your DP comes as a package deal. Anything less isn’t in my opinion, fair on the child.

In our household my DH and I have two children - not mine and a joint one. My DH treats me eldest DD exactly the same - we’ve both said it wouldn’t work for us or the children any other way.

(I’m not saying that’s easy - I’m very grateful my DH feels this way, I don’t think I could be a good stepmum)

Usually when two people come together with children from previous relationships, they become a blended family. It’s quite clear this isn’t what you want. The little girl is only 6, she needs her dad and the right thing for you to do would be walk away, if you can’t accept them as a package.

In a blended step family are some posters suggesting that the bio parent isn't allowed to leave their child with the step parent ever, so they can go to the gym?

There's a massive difference between sharing parenting and taking advantage . I don't see any real proof this man is doing the latter, more that he expects his fiancee to care for her step child some of the time.

OP still hasn't said who lives where which makes it looks as if she's hiding something which won't show her in the best light.

Poor girl 😔

And what does she want? A Billy with a willy?

It is always dads who are desperate for their new girlfriends/wives to ‘be a part of’ their child’s life and play happy families and it’s almost always because they they don’t want to do the parenting alone so want to offload it onto a woman.

It’s why the majority of men jump into new relationships so quickly when they have kids. Ditto widowed men who remarry when their deceased wife is barely cold.

They just don’t or can’t see it as their role to look after their kids alone, even when they only have them part time. It’s kind of pathetic really.

OP, this relationship does not have a long term future. Your ‘D’P expects you to be a hands on parent.

You can’t have a half relationship with a child who lives with you, either you’re in or you’re out. If you don’t want to parent anyone else’s kids, you should have looked for a relationship with someone who didn’t have any children.

This sounds like a total mess. She's 6 and you say you have "been in her life formally as a "step-mother" for 4 years". So, since she was 2? Presumably you ensured you kept the relationship separate to her for at least a year after you got together let alone progress from being introduced to her to calling yourself a "step-mother" so you must have got involved with her father as soon as she was conceived?!

Poor little girl. And she's now lumbered with a "step-mother" who says she "can't be arsed with her".

This relationship will not work. Your disdain for this little girl will be palpable to her. You will do immense damage to her if you continue this.

because I'm just her step mum and you have to do the lion's share of care'

Of course he has to do the lion's share. Why on earth do you think he shouldn't? My DH would never expect me to give up my plans/time to look after his son when he has him. I have stepped in as emergency childcare only a few times over the years. DSC has 2 parents who cope just fine without other people having to parent their child.

I left a relationship because I had become the default parent to my DPs kids.

He would leave his kids with me during his contact time and bugger off out and barely see them.

Completely agree with this.

I agree with this. Why is he heading out the the gym when he only has her half the time? Surely that's what his other 50% of his time is for?