AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

Should day the 50:50 is about 18 months in, it was less but he changed his job so could have her more often.

How convenient for him having you around.....

I was kind of understanding here because you just can't help how you feel. Then I read the posts about your family treating the SD equally and you're clearly upset by that.

It's now very cruel to this kid for you to be in their life. It has gone on too long, he wants something different to what you do.

You have an obligation in my mind to end this relationship and find someone else who has no kids or older kids. Remember even with older kids anything can happen and they may be close to their dad. You sound like you'd do best with a fatherless partner moving forward really.

You can't help your feelings but you know what you are in now and your feelings I have absolutely no doubt will be translated into incredibly horrible rejecting vibes that the 6 year old will easily pick up on.

It's really very simple @Bathtimeblues2 - you can't commit to him without committing to her. You don't want to do that, so don't do any of it. End the relationship, move on.

It’s fine to not want to play stepmum but not decide this four years down the line, and after getting engaged. Come on OP isn’t it obvious if the relationship progressed the families would blend? Poor little girl, I think it’s hard to back pedal and not spend as much time with her, as in her eyes she’s already built up a relationship with you. Your partner was never going to stick to the original ‘rules’. I think to be kinder to both of them in the long run, you need to end things. You think he should be looking after his own dd etc fair enough, and I agree he shouldnt take the pee with asking you to babysit etc, but from your original OP you can see clearly how much your partner wants you all to be one big family, and he wants u to tag team parenting of her when he’s at your house. That might be wrong of him in your eyes but that’s what he wants, and that’s not going to change. I can’t see a future here

He asked OP not to have showers before his DD was in bed so she could 'spend more time with her' but it's ok for him to fuck off to the gym before DD is in bed. He's selfish and just can't be arsed parenting his own child.

Sounds to me like you want a relationship primarily with the guy, a 1:1 adult romantic relationship, and will be kind to, and tolerant of his daughter as he is kind to and tolerant of yours. This might work if his daughter was a teenager and would head off to uni and adult life in a couple of years. But she is 6....

He however wants a blended cosy family dynamic where you all do things together and he doesn't need to parent alone when he has his daughter.

What you want out of the relationship is not compatible.

Neither of you are wrong, you just have different expectations.

However in the middle of this is a 6 year old who will be quietly absorbing your subconscious messages. She won't say anything or express it, but she will absorb it into her emotional makeup. For her sake, I think you need to break it off.

If you don't want to fully break up, then just date the guy when she is with her mum, and live separately....but remember it will be a very long time before you could live together.

It's a pity but you just both have a big mismatch of expectations. The 6 year olds wellbeing needs to be priority. And he needs to sort her diet out too!

I agree. So many men are like this. I couldn’t be arsed with it.

As other people have said, why on earth have you got into a serious relationship with a man with a young child? This isn't going to work for either of you

It will get more intense.

You will be married.
In three years time, your daughter will be away at university so you'll have more time to get stuck looking after the then nine year old.
Nine more years of being the only child in the house, until she's also away at University.
It almost seems planned.

I think you're the one with unrealistic expectations.
How are you going to keep the poor child at arms length when she lives there 50% of the time.
What did you think would happen.
You'd get married and keep your lives completely separate.

I think you need to break up before child has any more trauma.

Changing his job got him a pay rise in CM.
I wonder how many men go for 45% or 60%. Few I suspect, being 50% is the magic number.

I totally get that the relationship isn’t for me and that’s heartbreaking as I love DP dearly and genuinely we have a great relationship.

He is a good dad, 50:50 wasn’t about CMS he still pays for SD.

I think I am just past the young child age. When we had less contact with each other’s kids it was easier/ different. But now we live together and it more often I admit I am struggling. DP could help by being less dramatic about the constant pressure to spend time together, but he won’t and I don’t want to continuously sacrifice my free time either so we are at a stalemate really.

You still havent answered where you live?

How long have you lived together?
How long have you been feeling like this?

Your only option is to move out and then he can decide whether having a more casual relationship like you want is going to work for him or not.

I remember my DD turning into a teen and I suddenly had some of my independence back and it was great.
I couldn’t imagine being a step parent to young kids but then I wouldn’t get involved with a man who had young kids.

Apologies, we live together in my house as it’s bigger (kids have a bedroom each. Big garden etc ) he had a 2 bed flat.

He needs to move out, this is not going to work out, sorry.

Well that's why its not working. Dont live together.
I can see it makes financial sense but I would never want to live with anyone elses kids. Neither do you. Because you have been there done that and you dont want to return to that stage.
He saw you coming though.

For everyone's sake end this relationship and move on.

That's very convenient for him - larger house and garden and OP to guilt trip in to looking after his DC.

It hasn't worked out

Ask him and his DD to move out, this set up isn’t right for you.

Quite.

Listen, you just sound really fuckin selfish. You need to break up!

Oh OP, yanbu.
You thought you were on the same page but then he moved in and what he wanted all along is now being foisted upon, under the cover of family time.

He wants the nearest vagina to step up and share the parenting.
Its and old story on MN.

He doesn't care about what you want or what you thought was agreed, he wants someone to take over, hence his unbelievably controlling attempt of telling you when to shower🙄.

It will only get a lot worse with you being guilted, pressured, and possibly him huffing if you don't get on board.

Get out now.
It is 100% understandable that you have no wish to go back to soft play, most wouldn't want to.

Sometimes loving someone isn't enough.
Do not marry him.
This relationship does not have legs.
You would end up regretting losing this time in your life to assuage his demands.

I think you will spoil these years with your daughter and feel increasingly pissed off.

Marriage would be a messy disaster.
Don't do it to your daughter or yourself.

So sorry OP--YellowRoom nailed it.