AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

Well after 4 years it appears that the relationship has run its course. If you don't want SD then you can't have DP. Or you need to put in place some rules which will involve compromise from both.

I’m getting the sense OP is disengaging, or thinking along these lines. Nacho kids etc. This is definitely rational when:
The stepmom is being asked to do things so dad can do less
But the stepmom has no agency over how the child is raised because she is not their parent.
The dad isn’t parenting effectively (white carb diet may be fussiness or an undiagnosed condition, which needs dealing with either way) and expects the stepmom to put the maximum into her role when he is not doing his maximum as a dad.

The stepmom is expected to accommodate lifestyle, habits etc that she wouldn’t instil in her own child. I have been there, cooking separate meals and accepting challenging behavior from kids I had no right to try to change.

The dad has claimed 50-50 as his right but does not fully take responsibility for the choice (I do wish men would take the % they can handle and pay mum or a carer to do the rest, not use their new wife as free gap-filler).

I think it’s entirely reasonable to disengage from the responsibilities of raising a stepchild while still being kind and loving and supportive to the child. A bonus adult.

So maybe by ‘fade’ the OP means fading out responsibilities to give dad space to step up. She is only responsible for her own child because this is the only child she has rights over.

If you take on a man with a child, you take on the child too. This little girl deserves better than you are going to give her.

Except you are being awful and selfish!

You're effectively saying: 'I really love you... just not the second weekend in September or any other time of the year that I decide you're not welcome!'

I'm frankly amazed you're in a serious relationship with this guy... let alone planning to marry him!

You seem to only comment/reply to the people supporting you! When 73% believe you are unreasonable you still seem to think you’re not. I don’t know why you got involved with a man that had a young child when you clearly have no interest in being a blended family. You obviously want different things so you should let your dp find someone that will love and care for his child as they should. IMO you don’t sound very nice at all…

You are not her mother op, you have no parental responsibility towards her, you can and should be able to shower whenever the fuck you like.
Get rid of him, he sounds awful.

If he admitted as much on here, he'd be handed his arse on a plate!

No, he wants to do thing's as a family, all 4 of them.

You need to leave him because you are not right for him. They come as a package deal and you can't accept the deal.

You are both so unreasonable.

He should do a lot more things 1 to 1 with his own child, and leaving her when going to the gym is not onl

maybe I could shower after DD was in bed as to not miss out on time with her?
that's just weird, I wouldn't even do that with my own children.

You not wanting at all to be "a family", sorry but that's a bit weird when you decided to live with the man. You take him on, you have to take his child. It would be more consistent if you were not living together. You cannot have it both ways.

They have a 50:50 arrangement so she does live with her mum too
you do realise that there's always a possibility she moves full time with her dad don't you? Things happen, it could be job, health issue, or she could go into the trouble teens years and want to be away from her mum for awhile.

who's house do you live in?

where does your DD feature in this - is she expected to play Barbies and focus all attention on 6 yr old too?

If a man came on here and said he had been trying to parent his partner's child, despite a previous agreement that the child already had a father and he wasn't expected to parent, he'd be told to respect the existing agreement and get back in his box, though.

I think you need seperate houses and you can have fun the days he is not being a full time father.
Yes, you both need to spend time with your daughters independently.

Does your DD live with you full time?
Who owns or rents the house?

Have you pointed out that as SD has a mother, it isn’t necessary or really appropriate for you to play that role as well? My OH doesn’t try to parent my dd as she has a father, he DOES have a good relationship with her and they have jokes and so on together, and he’ll give lifts etc if I’m really stuck but I don’t try to get him more involved and certainly make sure she and I still do our stuff the two of us. Your take sounds reasonable @Bathtimeblues2 but your OH seems to be trying to create a nuclear family out of the four of you.

Maybe you could ask him to go to the gym when she's in bed op? See how he likes that.
This is HIS daughter, she is his responsibility, he just wants a service human to make his parenting time easier.

They come as a package can't have one without the other.
Maybe it's time for you to look properly into your feelings.

Is this the one that has a whats app group designated to all about her?

either way it is yiur DP fault and it is with him you hahe the issue and I can’t see it surviving

Oh gosh yes! Are you that same person @Bathtimeblues2 ?

If so, you have repeatedly been advised to get away from the craziness.

Thanks for answering my questions @Bathtimeblues2 . If it's now at the point where he doesn't expect you to miss any of the evening with his DD, even to take a shower, then he's very much changed from your original agreement.
Sorry but you either get onboard or you break up, he's pushing harder for what he wants now and it will just go on escalating.I don't think he'll be interested in going back to living apart

I’ve never seen “fade out” used in relation to a small child.

As others have said you want different things from this relationship.

You’ve know this child since she was 2 but you sound like you resent her simply for being 6. I get that 6 year old are work I have one, but you knew he had a small child.

There’s some double standards - you don’t want to watch her because she’s not yours but equally your want your DD treated as a GD by your OH family.

You just want vastly different things. I think you should either end it or vastly change your approach towards a 6 year old child who has to live with you 50% of the time through no choice of her own.

Op is being asked to do more things so dad can do less, her family treats SD like family while his family don't reciprocate for OP's DD, and OP is getting unhappy about that - it grates, she said. This is an unequal relationship - imagine being asked to delay your shower in order to spend more time with SD while SD's own parent is there supposedly looking after his child!

How would he feel to be told to go to the gym after SD goes to bed? Why should OP do his parenting for him, is that why he changed to 50/50 - no need to pay maintenance AND OP handily available to parent during his 50%.

The goalposts have definitely been moved since the engagement, and if I were @Bathtimeblues2 and wanting to continue the relationship on my terms, I'd move myself and my DD into separate accommodation and just date DP.

This isn’t the relationship for you and you’re not the person he’s looking for. I’m sorry, I know that’s not a happy thing to consider but I really think you should do right by everyone involved and consider not moving forward with marriage.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with what you do and don’t want, but it’s not compatible with your DP’s situation or what he wants (which is also completely reasonable and healthy) and it’s not fair to anyone to ignore that mismatch. It’s like someone who is determined to remain child free knowingly marrying someone who is positive they want kids - someone (probably both) will end up resentful.

I’m a stepmother and I absolutely love it, but it’s often not easy and my best advice to anyone is not to marry someone with younger children if you’re not truly enthusiastic about being a step-parent and playing a key role in that child’s life.

I think you are being unreasonable for dragging this out for 4 years. You don't accept him and his daughter as a package, which is absolutely your right, but you should have walked away. The relationship is not right for you - it never was, - I feel sorry for the children involved. You can't just fade out of her life. You need to have an adult grown-up conversation with your partner, so that you can end the relationship in a way that manages the hurt and pain that the girls will feel. You've contributed to this mess, you need to help fix it and skulking off into the sunset isn't the way to do it.

Then finish the relationship rather than just moaning about it. You knew he had a daughter, it was hardly a surprise to you. My sympathy lies solely with the little one

I don't think the theoretical set up you had in mind can work in reality unless you live in separate houses and have more of a dating relationship. Six is really little and there are years ahead of you trying to have a relationship with one person while not engaging with the other person that comes along with them. It's not a great environment for the girl to be brought up in feeling unwanted by someone she lives with. Just feels very negative all around.