AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

Yes I agree OP should leave, but it's due to her partner's unreasonable actions, rather than any unreasonableness on her part, IMO.

I think the problem here @Bathtimeblues2 is that you thought you and your DP were on the same page, you'd be a family but because of the difference in ages you'd mainly parent your DD and he'd look after his. He's after something completely different- he wants a new family for him and his DD, new wife, new stepmother and a big sister all doing everything together.
I wonder if this has become more his view point since the engagement? Or since his family seem very opposed to him marrying again, is he trying to prove them wrong? Either way, he's moved the goalposts and now wants a lot more togetherness than you want, I can't see your 15 yo being happy to go along with this either. I'd give him back the ring and separate Op, no ones going to get what they want/need from this

Op, i totally get where you are coming from.

However, this is not the relationship for you.

Quite rightly, they come as a package. If you don't want her, you can't have him either.

I get what youre saying. It feels like neither OP nor DP are communicating their expectations very well.

It sounds like OP thought they had agreed to something that isn't actually working out that way in real life.

Is he actually actively parenting his child or does he simply want you there all the time so he can offload it? I can’t imagine too many mothers who have 50/50 then go off to gym etc and leave their child with the step dad. If I only saw my kids 50% I’d want to spend as much quality time with them as possible and definitely one on one time. It’s interesting you want to spend alone time with your child but he doesn’t.

I wonder if he stepped up more would you be so fed up?

All these adults jumping into new relationships when they have young kids… the world would be a much simpler and happier place if they just chilled out about it and stayed single for a few years. Then there would be no forced relationships with new step ‘siblings’ and the risk of dangerous step parents. In some areas the rush to jump into new relationships is like musical chairs ffs, frustrating to watch

The little 6 year old has to come first in this whole situation
You are openly acknowledging you are not wanting to engage in things that a younger child enjoys, (fair enough), therefore stop leading your DP down the path and be honest with him.

You have different expectations Op. You're not being horrible, it's just that the life he wants isn't the life for you. It sounds as if you were clear about what you expected of your relationship at the start, but he has gradually moved the goal posts in an attempt to get you co parenting his daughter.
I really think this is the wrong relationship for you. He's not going to change and you are going to get more and more ground down by this lifestyle that is not your choice.

Or perhaps the mother requested a 50/50 split because he is just as much of a parent as she is.
So why should he only have responsibility a few days out of the year, whilst the mum does everything else??

Shock horror - some women realise that men are just as capable of being parents as they are and don’t get to slip out of their responsibilities just because they choose to end the relationship.

I would absolutely feel the same. Living with an adult who feels it appropriate to ask for advice on how to ‘fade out’ a 6 year old they live with is emotionally abusive to the child in question and a decent parent should be getting his or her child out of that situation asap.

It may be the father isn’t a decent parent and is indeed just looking for ‘a nanny with a fanny’ to use the Mumsnet vernacular but equally he may be a loving parent who wants a family not various pairings (father and his daughter, OP and partner, OP and her daughter).

The time for the OP to realise she had no interest in being a SM was 4 years ago and the same would 100% go for a man in the same position.

It does seem to have all changed a bit since engagement and definitely this about proving his family wrong which is a ridiculous and Iv told him I’m not living my life to please his family!

It seems that you & this man have incompatible expectations OP.

You've not said where you live.

Is he with you in your house or are you and your DD in his?

Or are you not living together at all?

This is a difficult one. The issue I presume is you live with him. Maybe you shouldn’t have moved in. That way you would get quality time apart and family time together. I’m with you to an extent I wouldn’t want to be parenting a 6 year old when I’ve been there and done it. Does he do much with her alone or is he just waiting for you to do it. I think if your relationship was great you wouldn’t be having doubts. Personally I wouldn’t get involved with someone with young children and I certainly wouldn’t hurry to live with them.

What is it his family are wrong about, OP?

Why do you think his family want him to stay single? Do you believe it's because they sense your priorities aren't aligned with his?

OP isn't or not saying who lives where.

Thank you all for the comments, I do appreciate it.

It’s such a tricky one because I want the relationship even how it was 2 years ago.

I think DP has unrealistic expectations and kind let me along a bit, but equally I know how much he craves a family unit.

He does a lot for SD and if left with her he will play with her etc, but as soon as I’m off a work call or come down from the shower it’s got to be me involved too. I wouldn’t expect that with my DD! It’s starting to feel a little controlling, a couple of times he has mentioned that maybe I could shower after DD was in bed as to not miss out on time with her?! And if I do stand firm, it’s oh well she will noticed your gone

Why are you so resentful of this child that it grates when your family are nice to her?
They're acting the way good people do.

She's six. None of this is her fault. She will soon be able to pick up on your bad attitude towards her and you're going to mess her up if you carry on like this.

I think you need to examine why you're so irritated by the people around you behaving like normal, caring families do.

The AIBU is that it does not seem to have been made clear to OH. Thinking you would be doing own thing more is different to categorically not wanted to be a stepmum. You said he wants you to be a family. Did you previously discuss this or just assumed you thought you knew others feelings?

Sounds like you want different things. He wants family time and you providing childcare (like looking after her while he goes to gym etc). You feel you have done the child stage and want your free time. I think you need to have a talk sooner than later. Dragging this out will only cause resentment in you/OH and hurt to SD.

Tbf I think the OP meant it grates that it isn't equal on both sides - her partner's parents don't treat her DD with equal value gifts.

In that case, he’s a lazy arsed dad. He wants you to do his parenting.

It’s fine not to want to be a step mum to a small child, but the time to make that decision was 4 years ago, quite apart from getting engaged.

Your DP needs to parent his DD and you need to parent your DD and since they are 6 and 15 there are going to be lots of separate activities, just as there would be if both children had the two same parents.