AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

You're a piece of work yourself to have taken OP's post completely out of context. It's clear that what she's complaining about is how her DP's family treat her own daughter and contrasting that with how her family treats her SD.

Its only going to get harder! Imagine the teenage years.
my DP has a 15 year old DS and we met when he was 11, its got so much harder in the last year with hormones/teenage angst. He was refusing to go to school etc

ive had to shut my mouth alot as i have no right to parent him. Its not easy. Perhaps this little girl will be ok but you need to sit and think and discuss with your DP.

what regular contact does he have, can he have 1-1 time and then plan things together, she will be part of your life. You cant turn it on and off. Reality is she is his priority

I feel this! I can’t believe how many posters are missing the controlling that is happening here. Hope you’re okay.

It sounds like he's trying to force constant togetherness so you fit into his view of the mom slot that is constantly with his daughter. It also sounds like he's getting into controlling and suffocating territory with his requests that you forgo personal hygiene to be present with his daughter and trying to get you to be present with her when you're trying to work at home.

This isn't working. His wishes are becoming excessive and controlling and he's not considering your needs for free time or your daughter's needs here. Yes, you knew you were getting into a step situation but so did he. He seems to be wanting you to parent his child every free minute and even extending into your working time and be interacting with his daughter constantly.

OP, I think the question to any man who brings kids into a relationship is: if we lived apart and you mostly had to parent alone, would you still want to be my partner?

Even though we live apart my DP has tried hard to inveigle me into spending all his contact time with him and raising his kids ‘with him.’

So I had to take a very long break from spending time with him when he had his kids. To his credit, he accepted this. He’s greatly improved as a parent.

I’ve not seen him at all over Xmas hols when he’s had the kids. He’s moaned and said it’s too hard and he’s lonely and exhausted. I’ve asked him how I can support him to make a plan to make it easier for himself. I’ll go no further.

He still pays the exw maintenance and she works part time. So he can also reduce his parenting time if he needs to. If he can’t manage his choices it isn’t me that needs to step up and support him. The other parent can and should.

The step parenting board on here has shown me that often men fight for 50/50 because they understandably don’t want to lose time with their kids when they divorce but they also have few actual parenting skills and can’t admit to themselves they are incapable. So they take the easy option of making this a new woman’s problem.

Its not ok and there is a vast amount of clear blue water between accepting that a man comes with kids and being kind to the kids vs enabling a 50/50 dad to take on the smallest possible proportion of that responsibility for himself.

It just seems like he’s trying to force things together in terms of a blended family when really thing should be taken slowly and allowed to happen naturally. I have teens and partners kids under 10. I will offer to do things with them like bake, play ect but dp doesn’t put the pressure on. And I find it tiring too .

It is good to reflect on his good points but I think you need to sit him down and tell him how it is and that you are willing to break up over this ( if you are).
Ask him why he does what he does? He’s an older dad so do you think he has the energy for a 6 year old?

So there are good bits in your relationship which is nice to hear.

OP, you say he's an older dad, how much older? How long was he with his ex/SD's mother? It sounds like he wants you to be a complete replacement for her on the days he has SD. I can't imagine SD wants you to be her mum, she already has one. What sort of relationship do you /DP have with the mum? It's all starting to sound a bit creepy as in him recreating an idealised view of what his life would have been like if they hadn't separated, rather than accepting your personality and individuality and your DD.

Bathtimeblues2

For now you could say you two have daddy/DD time while I am
working, not going to the park, chilling on my own, with my DD etc and repeat.

Keep repeating until you work out what you want to do.

He was 40 when SD was born. He was with ex for 4 years, he says he had resided himself to not having children but she really wanted one so he went for it but on the basis they were a family, he proposed etc but they never married and soon after SD was born she left him and kept the house they were living in

He really doesn't see you as a separate person with your own wants and needs. You are very useful to him in many ways. Telling you when you can shower, where in the house you can work, forcing a relationship between you all as 'a family' is manipulative, coercive and creepy.

Hi OP, I think deep down you know you need to end this and are just reflecting on here.

Your DP is getting more controlling now that he has his foot under the table. I think at a minimum you need to go back to separate living places and break off the engagement.However, he may not take this well and he may break up with you - after all, he wants a wife and mother to his child.

But for your sake and that of your DD, you need to move on. You are coming in to the hard years with her of GCSE and A levels, and then hopefully college and a nearly empty nest - time for you, travel, new hobbies. You don’t want to have to spend it at children’s parties!!

A bit dramatic? How on earth do people with more than one child balance it? It is two kids (not 10), one that is only there half of the time, the other older. There are 3 grown-ups for the 6 year old as well. I'm sure older dd will get plenty of help from op. The kids' parties tend to change from 6 upwards, aren't as demanding, and more closer friends' invites than whole class type situations.

I was surprised at reading most of the earlier responses on here being about DP and SD being a package deal and that's that. They seemed to be missing the point rather. This post explains so very clearly what I had been thinking. Saying DP and SD are a package deal would be a fair and relevant observation if OP were complaining about the amount of time DP spends with his DD (as in 'I just want an adult dinner out, or the occasional weekend away without SD' or similar), because the DD/SD comes first, and that is right and always should be.

But that isn't what OP is troubled by. There is indeed is a 'vast amount of clear water between accepting that a man comes with kids and being kind to the kids vs enabling a 50/50 dad to take on the smallest possible proportion of that responsibility for himself'.

It is rather unsettling (and yes, controlling) that the DP is expecting this of OP, and I suspect that it's really because he finds it difficult to do his share of the parenting of his own DD. That is a problem, but it isn't OP's responsibility to fix, it is his. His 'that's better' comment was a real ugh moment for me when I read it.

Your wants are incompatible. He wants a Velcro mom for his kid that is going to hover constantly and be your first priority over your kid and hygiene and work and anything. You want a more independent step parent relationship where he does the work of parenting and being present for his kid and you for yours. If you stay together, he's going to gradually push your daughter out during the vulnerable teen years.

Time to put your kid first.

A bit dramatic? How on earth do people with more than one child balance it? It is two kids (not 10), one that is only there half of the time, the other older. There are 3 grown-ups for the 6 year old as well. I'm sure older dd will get plenty of help from op. The kids' parties tend to change from 6 upwards, aren't as demanding, and more closer friends' invites than whole class type situations.

I don’t think you are getting it?

I worry he sees you as a replacement mother and partner, to fit the image he has of what life should look like. You are being moulded to fit this. I think you really need to have your own homes. He has even moved into your home to replace the one he had with his ex. None of this is fair on you-or your DD. You think she is fairly chilled about things now but as he insists on things going his way it will affect her more. He and SD need their own place.

He can probably tell that you're pulling away from the close family set-up he envisioned, and that's making him try all the harder to keep you on board. Poor guy - he's going about it all wrong, obviously, but I feel for him. That's twice he was close to getting the tight nuclear family he wants, and twice it hasn't worked out.

I don't blame you for feeling suffocated, but nor do I blame him for feeling disappointed.

OP have you actually* *talked to your partner like you're talking here?

I fail to see how 2 adults can't talk and come to some halfway house will all of this.

I don't agree he's 'controlling'.

I want to stay in the relationship but keep my time, my time. I don’t appreciate having 50% of my week dictated.

One person 's controlling' is another's 'trying to make everyone included in the family'.

It's only perceived as control if it's pushing against what you'd prefer to do!

However, you're completely unrealistic if you imagined you could live in the same house and you would carry on your single life, never having to compromise.

Why on earth aren't you having this conversation with him?

But he's expecting OP to be stuck to his kid like Velcro the entire time she's there. He asks her to forgo showers to be in the room, and he's trying to have OP in with his kid when she's, working at home, a time the vast majority of employers require be child free.

His expectations and wishes are unrealistic and have gone into controlling. He's messing with her livelihood now.

It would be interesting to hear the other side.

It’s your house, so he moves back out, and you definitely don’t marry him. IF he still wants to date once he has moved out, great…but it’s unlikely he will. Chances are he will move on to someone who does want to co-parent with him. You get to live your life as you wish, happy days! Don’t be rushing into another relationship that isn’t right - in fact, maybe don’t move another man into your home xx

Also I don’t know if it’s hormonal but imagine I’m a similar age to op also have a 16 year old. Loved the years my two were young threw myself into it. But now the thought of parenting young children frankly fills me with horror. I couldn’t do it. I just wouldn’t. He needs to understand that. You can be a calm loving presence but you are NOT mum.

I would imagine it goes something like

"I just want us all to be a family."

"Why does she want to read/work/think instead of sit/go to the park with us?"

He wants OP to make the happy family memories happen, like the dancing in the kitchen.

OP obviously feels smothered.

Yes the shower thing is weird. I remember when DD was a tiny baby, and I was struggling with anxiety, I asked DH more than once if he was OK with DD alone while I had a shower....he hugged me and gently reminded me that it was OK to look after myself, that we don't have to both be staring intently at her constantly, for things to be OK, and I wouldn't be far away, so I should try and relax a little. And that was with my own DD, who was a newborn. The notion of being told when she can and can't shower according to time he thinks she should spend with his DD is just bizarre.

It doesn't matter what the other side is, op has said what she isn't comfortable with and he keeps shitting all over her boundaries because it doesn't suit him and his wants.
He is refusing to listen and riding roughshod over her, people keep defending him but only a controlling lazy half arsed parent would think it ok to request op delay her shower until SD is in bed whist he simultaneously expects op to babysit so he can fuck off to the gym on his parenting time.