AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

Of course it matters.

Given you've both had failed long term relationships and have children caught up in this, have you considered that it's partly a communication issue that's sabotaging your relationship?

What you are talking about is common in most relationships where couples are married and have a child. ie Finding 'me time ' while caring for the children.

There has to be compromise and negotiation on both sides to make marriages last decades where kids are involved.

It comes over as if neither of you is capable of talking sensibly and coming to some agreement.

BUT if you are honest with yourself, how did you think that dating a man aged 42 (then) with a 2 year old was going to pan out?

He's got another 12 years at least before she leaves home. If you're not up for that wholeheartedly as a step mum- then it isn't ever going to work. That doesn't mean you're controlled by him. It means you have adult conversations about how much time and space each of you needs alongside being parents.

Have you sat down with him, after the kids are in bed or out, and explained calmly without ranting , how he's making you feel?

I actually left my ex when his daughter and my daughter were both 6yrs for similar behaviour. I couldn't do anything with my daughter without having to take his daughter, it was awful in the end. It was literally like I was childcare and had no rights to do anything for myself, go to the gym or see a movie etc.
It's totally fine to not want to go to the park or to choose where you want to work in your house, he's quite capable of taking her and looking after her without you. It's also fine at that age to let her get on and play while you put your feet up with a cuppa. I feel like you are being micromanaged in to his version of the perfect family. Non blended families don't do everything single thing together. I would be asking him to leave.

It's time for him to move back to his place. This isn't working.

And let's go back to your OP:
"I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD."
You are not being unreasonable.
Your relationship is not as awesome as you thougt it was.
The relationship you thought you had, you've already lost. He threw it away.
You don't need to get over yourself.
'D'P being upset will all be down to himself and his determination to force you to be a person you're not.

New Year, time for some resolutions. Tell him to move out and take some time to grieve the partnership he fooled you into thinking you had.

He is refusing to listen and riding roughshod over her, people keep defending him but only a controlling lazy half arsed parent would think it ok to request op delay her shower until SD is in bed whist he simultaneously expects op to babysit so he can fuck off to the gym on his parenting time.

You're basing this in what you think was said @TomatoSandwiches

I can't find any evidence that he won't listen.
I don't think there is anything to show he was riding roughshod- your own words.

It' s ridiculous to designate 'parenting time' like it's timetabled or something, when a couple are living together. He lives with her for half the week. Are you seriously suggesting that on those days he does 100% of childcare? Because that's what you've posted.

I agree with this post. Please tell him that you think you made a mistake in moving too fast and are finding the situation suffocating, plus it is affecting your work. Say you want to take a step backwards and go back to just dating and give him a reasonable amount of notice to move out. Do not listen to any promises that things will improve while he is still living there and stick to saying that you are sure living separately will improve them and that nothing else will. He will probably double down as he won't want this, but please stand firm and have someone on hand to help you move him out if necessary on the date you have given him in case he tries to move that boundary as well.

You can then put your DD first as she will be needing you very much in the coming years and will need a quiet home to concentrate on her studies. You will be able to do things that you wish to do in your free time. Good luck.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. On the basis that she is only there half the time, and already has a mother. She therefore has a family, and is already parented, yet he is trying to get you to do this as well. It might be different if she lived with you full time. And also he isn't actively trying as hard with your daughter, as he wants you to try with his. Forced relationships never work.

I agree with some of this but the poor little girl is now going to be rehoused yet again. From mum to half her week with dad + OP, and now dad will have to find a new home for them both.

What a shit show. And people wonder why kids do badly at school and lack confidence.

I agree with some of this but the poor little girl is not going to be rehoused yet again. From mum to half her week with dad + OP, and then dad will have to find a new home for them both.

The dad has a two bedroom flat.

I missed that. Sorry.

It's still unsettling.

Also I think a lot of people with a 15 and a 6 year old won't do that much 'family time' things together, due to differing interests. One parent will take to the park and the other will do something with the older one. It's also odd that he changed jobs to spend more time with his daughter and will then want you to spend an afternoon with her because he has spent the morning with her. No matter how well she gets on with you, wouldn't she rather just spend it with her mum?

I think your dd sounds really sweet and caring. he’s going to really regret the loss of the two of you after this relationship breaks down. I feel sorry for his dd. She will be the one most affected by this all. However, he should have thought of this before he started to try to control your every move.

I think DP has unrealistic expectations and kind let me along a bit, but equally I know how much he craves a family unit.
He does a lot for SD and if left with her he will play with her etc, but as soon as I’m off a work call or come down from the shower it’s got to be me involved too. I wouldn’t expect that with my DD!

He wants a co-parent and your not up for that as your child is past that stage and much easier day to day.

If you were clear to him you were wanting a more hand off role I wonder if he's not listened and assumed the boundaries would change with time ie heard what he wanted.

It is a communication issue but I wonder if he didn't want to hear and his family behavior more salt in a wound - you could ignore if more if their antics didn't highlight the imbalance.

Will it get better with age - well kids generally get less demanding and more independent but not sure Step parenting politics get any easier.

I'd also agree with PP at 15 your DD needs your focus through GCSE and post 16 options - and I think if you are diverted to a step child who may/will disappear from your life post any split - I think you'll regret it.

I think slowing down or splitting up may be your only choices as it comes across to me he's not listening.

Yes, he does have to provide his daughter with a home. And throughout any disruption with her father's housing, this little girl will have the stability of the home she shares with her mother. The 50:50 arrangement is only 18 months old too, so she might be more comfortable reverting to whatever was in place before that.

Absolutely this.

Your tears originate from your gut screaming at you that this is not what you want.

Your examples of his behaviour are chilling.
He is controlling, manipulative and trying to condition you like one would a dog.
Words of encouragement when you behave.
Beyond cringeworth and actually sinister in my view.

You can't even wfh without him thinking he gets to dictate your work day.
Can you really not see how insidiously smothering of your independence and choices he is?

Marriage to him would be his view on it alone, his opinions only, you being always wrong if you try to object in any way.

I think you would find him huffing, puffing, giving you the silent treatment until you felt a shadow of your former self.
All highly abusive behaviours.

You do realise that your wanting to cry is your silent scream trying to get out.

Do not ignore this.

I agree completely.

I haven’t read the whole thread, as most of it seems to be about what posters think they would do, or what they think the moral high ground is.

if you are still here , OP, this is my ‘advice’

Tell DP that he should go and live in his flat. When he has his daughter staying with him, that’s where they live . If you both want to, you can have occasional joint family outings, or just you with him and SD. This is, I think, what you mean by ‘fading out’ and it seems perfectly reasonable to me, as long as you don’t all live together.

On his non child days, he can stay with you if that suits you, him and your daughter. I can’t see what is wrong with this arrangement tbh, though you need to be a girlfriend, not a ‘partner’.

Of course, you should probably not marry him for legal reasons (house ownership) but you could stay engaged if you both find that rewarding.

so now you just have to table this and see if he likes it . I suppose his attitude will depend on how much he values you as an individual, and not just as part of his idealised life. I wish you good luck.

You mentioned that he changed jobs so that he could do 50/50... did that also co-incide with him moving in with you?

The more I read this, the more I think that he seems to think that when SD is with you, you are 50% parents for her, taking on half the responsibility and burden etc. And, understandably, that is NOT how you feel. I mean, i think it's reasonable that he might expect you to help out on some level at some points, but this intensity is completely OTT and unrealistic, even if she WAS your DD.

@Bathtimeblues2 DP
seems to
have a worldview of what a family should look like and when it didn’t happen with his ex he is still trying to fix things to look how he thinks it should be. This is a DP problem - he needs to get some help with dealing with the past split. I think you have to go back to being apart for a while, while he works out how to parent. If he hovers over his daughter that won’t be good for her resilience either.

YABU.

Why get with a man with a child who was clear he wanted a family for said child and then whine about it?

I get now wanting to parent somebody else’s child. That’s fine. But then you don’t date people who want that.

@Bathtimeblues2 not that you want to, or should have to, but since he wants you to be a surrogate mum, how much say do you have in her discipline, behaviour, eating habits etc? Can you tell her off? Can you decide consequences?

Also, out of curiosity, how much does he do with your DD?

I just saw this. If the situation is changing YANBU but you are incompatible. He basically doesn’t want to do all the parenting of his child and wants to offload it onto his female partner.

Personally I would not be up for this which is why I generally avoided dating men with children.

Sounds like you know what you have to do….

Also, interestingly , there's also an ongoing thread about a man barely interacting with his daughter. The amount of women falling over themselves to find excuses and explanations and telling OP she expects too much is bonkers. And that's a child's actual parent.

Stepmums really are the lowest of the low on here.

I think the problem is that while you were definitely not expecting a surrogate father for your DD and half of the parenting to fall to him, he was expecting a surrogate mom for your DSD and wanted an easier life, with you taking on half (or more) of the parenting responsibility.
It's hard, because I do feel sorry for your DSD as it is awful to feel rejected, but your DP needs to take on more. I wouldnt be enthusiastic about going to the park after work, you have done all that already with your DD when she was 6.

He misled her. He didn't tell her what he expected at the beginning.