AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

"No, I’m strictly not allowed to discipline her and don’t feel it’s my place to tbh and she is a pretty good kid tbh, not allowed to make comments on her diet at all, he blames her mother at the weaning stage for that?"
Ah, he wants you to do the gruntwork of parenting a 6-year-old, but he is to maintain sole control. Well colour me unsurprised!

This is a total aside, because I think you should ask him to move out, but I'd be reading The Riot Act to him for not stepping up and doing the actual parental role of giving this poor girl a nutritious diet. Blaming her mother is NOT parenting! He's 50:50, he should have stepped in and sorted this fuckery oout.

Actually - do you think if you did read The Riot Act to him he'd get in enough of a huff to take himself elsewhere and solve the problem for you? (Of course he wouldn't, but a girl can dream ...)

"Interesting that the childs birth mother changed her mind about him🤔"

I'd started to wonder about her too, @Critsey. Although, her keeping the house and raising her daughter to eat only pot noodles and breadsticks writes a certain narrative too.

I don't see this as a binary choice. Surely you can continue to see him but tell him it's not working and you want him to move back out with his DC.

If he gets arsey about it then choose whether to continue at that point but for now, get your life back and see him when he is free.

With my ex, I got to the point I would get a co worker to call me in to work even when I wasn't on call just to get a break. I had told him I wasn't prepared to be the baby sitter and he hadn't listened and I did this to fuck up his evening. If it was the DD I would have been fine but I found the DS really difficult to deal with.

In the end I left. I had no life and he saw any days off work that I had as free babysitting. I used to lie about my days off just to get some pub and pool time with my mates.

YANBU at all. He has stealthily got you where he wants you.

He needs to move out.

I find it very suspicious that he moved himself in, then upped his contact to 50/50, then started taking himself off to the gym during his contact time and expects you to do the parenting.

What would he do if he still lived alone? Would he still want 50/50 or would he drop his contact so he could still go to the gym etc?

You can have a much nicer relationship with him when you both have your own houses and you see him on his non-contact time (though I can't see him going for that as he'd need to parent his own child more 🤷‍♀️)

Your updates are chilling Op. Hope you're ok & you manage to find the strength to get rid of him. So glad he doesn't have much contact with your DD.

It’s more he treats me like her mum tbh. For example, if I go out in the morning he will then say, that’s cool, you can have SD while I go to the gym this afternoon etc. I have done it on occasions but SD has come to see him, why would I tag team parent with a child that isn’t mine?

Yeah. This is not good, it does have a whiff off wanting you to do at be least some of the cab parenting for him. If not be up for that.

Caught up with the updates just now. His increasing control over you OP is very worrying. It sounds like you are slipping into depression, as well.

Please get him out of your home.

This is true. Non-blended parents do activities separately too. You don't always need to be one big synchronised unit.

Perhaps not the right relationship then. Although your expectations are clear, it's not ok for this little girl (who will certain pick up on your desire to be at arms length) to have a life where she may be aware she isn't unconditionally loved or wanted by a step parents. It's got negative emotional impact written all over it, and surely you would never want to be the reason for a little person having a lower feeling of self worth.

Very easy situation for you to walk away from, which is what you should do, no?Likewise, the dad also should be putting his daughter first and if he knows you feel like this, he should also be taking responsibilities for calling things off.

I think it's brave of you to acknowledge these feelings here, and to accept it's not the right relationship.

Hi OP

I'm with Critsey and numerous other posters.

He wants you to parent his child, on his time. He's a lazy parent who wants to delegate his parenting to the nearest woman.

I'm completely gobsmacked at his absolute blatant nerve.

No wonder you feel smothered.

I'm really sorry, but I think you need to end this relationship and get your house back to you and your daughter only.

Telling you when you can shower, where you can work when you work from home are outrageous requests.

Good luck to you. I think you'll see a different side to him when you end things.

Nail on the head with the 25%
How easy it must be to be one of these dads who takes his child half the time but wants to find a woman to basically do all the work for him.

I’ll be honest I’ve dove a total 180 reading the updates.

Based on your OP I admit I thought ‘well you chose to get involved with a man who has a young child’ but with each update he sounds more and more manipulative and controlling

You say his DD was 2 when you met, How long had he been separated? (I’m not accusing you of being the OW btw it’s more about whether he is as very quick to move on from his ex)

Agree with everyone else: show him the door.

He’s not a good man.

I have a 7-year-old DD and I'm quite sure that if an adult she lived with clearly didn't want to spend time with her, she would be really hurt. Sure, most activities involving small kids are dreary, but you do them anyway for their sake - if you don't want to, don't take on the role of de facto caretakers. For the sake of this girl, I'm on the side of everyone who's said that it sounds like this couple should not live together (if they must be together at all).

Why not for the sake of Op? Isn’t she a human being too?

Of course, one hundred percent! And as an adult, she can choose whom to live with. A young child can't choose whom to live with. If you are an adult and you don't want to be around a child all the time, don't live with one!

I agree it would be better for OP if this man leaves and takes his child with him soon.

It’s more nuanced than that. She was fine to live with them on the understanding he takes the lead in parenting his own Dd. Like op is parenting hers with minimal expectation from him on that front. Yet his expectations of her are way more than that. He wants the full “mum mark 2 experience” for his Dd. Not fair.

It's odd how the complaints single women have about the men they meet is they don't show enough interest or commitment to their children.

IME single friends have dumped men who wanted them, but made little effort with their children. If they had tried to get those men more on board, would they be accused of being controlling or abusive? Or looking for a 'daddy replacement'.

No way.

Very obviously, if you make the choice to have a child, you make the commitment to put them first and look after them to the best of your ability until they are adults.
Op should have stuck to living with her daughter and kept this man on the sidelines.
She could have very easily gone out for dates/sex whatever, without dumping this shit at the feet of both the children. It's called being a responsible adult and parent and acting with integrity. Again obviously, comments about fading a 6 year old girl that lives with you out of the picture are the antithesis of honourable and quite despicable.

Do you mean on MN? On most of the threads where a man with kids moves into a women’s home, he is a cocklodger who stops paying rent when he moves in and expects OP to cook and clean for his kids when they stay with him at OP’s for his contact time.

If you have seen any threads where women are expecting men to parent their children, feel free to share.

Fascinating how you have zero criticism for the man in this situation, even though he’s the father of the 6yo.

We don't have his side of the story and my comments about putting your children first would apply equally to both parties who should have done this in the first place.

What could his side of the story be that means you are so harsh on OP despite all the insight into this man’s controlling behaviour such as telling her when to shower and where to work in the house?

Op needs to end this relationship and tell him to leave. End of.