Page 15 | AIBU to just fade out of her life

Bathtimeblues2 · 2025-01-01T16:17:29+00:00

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap! DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years. I was not OW! Just want to be clear. I have DD 15. I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again. Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again. Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting. I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered! She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me. His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!! I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

TheaBrandt · 02/01/2025 11:44

Spot on unblending! You expanded on my thoughts exactly. And it’s always one way step dads aren’t expected to roll up their sleeves and full on parent.

Original poster

Bathtimeblues2 · 02/01/2025 11:48

Unblending · 02/01/2025 11:35

Single dads do come as a package with their kids. But the package is their responsibility alone.

My DP has two kids and I have one. They are our respective responsibilities and they both have other parents. We don’t discipline the others’ kids and we don’t look after the others’ kids alone except very much as a favour, when asked. We don’t live together but eg if I am at DP’s home when his kids are there and I’m not parenting my own child that day, this is my free time. If I want to go to the gym after work and won’t get to DP’s house before his kids are in bed, he doesn’t view this as having failed at my duty to help with his kids. It’s not my duty. He would do/feel the same.

This was not immediate. When DP won 50-50 this was way more parenting than he’d ever done as a breadwinner with a SAHM. He thought I’d be the new cosplay mum and do half of his childcare.

I said:

Oh I’d love to be a wife like you had before. I’ll go down to part time, you can pay half of my mortgage and give me spending money and when we’re old we can live off your pension. I’ll now be in charge of meals and discipline during your contact time so I’m going to limit your kids’ screens and put in consequences for them not eating the food I cook. You will back me up on everything. You are now also 50% economically responsible for my child.

DP was horrified. ‘You can’t come in here and change how my kids are raised…I can’t afford to support you and another child.’

Exactly, I said. You are a single dad.

He changed his job and did parenting courses.

Imagine moving in with a boyfriend who had a horse. Maybe you also loved horses, even had one of your own. But imagine being told that because you had moved in with this boyfriend you would have to do 50% or more of the grooming, exercising and feeding of his horse. You were not to be paid for this because the boyfriend had agreed to give half his money to a woman he used to be with and who he still shared ownership of the horse with.

And when you said sorry but actually you didn’t want to get up at 0500 to go to the stables every other morning to look after someone else’s horse, your boyfriend said
this wasn’t fair because he didn’t have time to care fully for his horse and he needed you to support him.

So being a woman and nurturing, you tried your best. But when you went to exercise the horse it threw you off. It didn’t want you riding it because it wasn’t used to you. When it came back from being looked after by its other lifetime owner it was particularly hostile and attacked you.

And then your boyfriend said you just needed to try harder with his horse. Put more effort in. You suggested changing the horse’s diet and a behavior course. You were told this wasn’t your business, so just try harder because this was what being with a man who owns a horse requires.

So you joined an online forum for advice and people said ‘you should have known what you were getting into, because him and the horse come as a package.’ Or they told you to end your relationship because your only choice as a woman is to take on a man’s responsibilities for him or be alone.

That would feel unfair.

This is a good analogy tbh.

OP posts:

Tiswa · 02/01/2025 11:49

What do you actually want @Bathtimeblues2

mumedu · 02/01/2025 11:51

Bathtimeblues2 · 02/01/2025 10:59

Exactly this. We do all go out on days out, I do entertain her if I am off but I don’t want the constant expectation. Like if I am sitting on the sofa for 10 mins he will be like ‘why are you ignoring SD?’ ‘Can’t you just interact with her, you have been XYZ all day’

I don’t always immediately interact with my own DD when I get a second.

I think the expectation is ridiculous.

He also does this creepy/cringy thing where he ‘praises me’ when he thinks I’m doing well with SD. For example me and the girls were dancing in the kitchen over Christmas just being silly etc and he was like ‘see, that’s better, that’s exactly what I want you to interact with both of them like we are a family’. Nothing wrong with him enjoying seeing this but so cringy to tell me ‘that’s better’ made me want to vomit tbh

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This is awful OP, so patronising. I really don't think this is the right set up for you. Even biological parents can't be 'on' all the time for their kids. It's suffocating.

Sceptical123 · 02/01/2025 11:55

Bathtimeblues2 · 02/01/2025 11:02

I think he can’t cannot fathom that I am not as into parenting his DD as he is. I have gently tried to explain the differences but it goes over his head, I’m just awful for even suggesting I am not thrilled to spend time with SD after a 12 hour shift

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—and what’s he like with HIS step daughter?

Have you tried praising him when he does something with her? I bet he would feel belittled and patronised

Original poster

Bathtimeblues2 · 02/01/2025 11:58

Tiswa · 02/01/2025 11:49

What do you actually want @Bathtimeblues2

I suppose I regret moving in together or maybe not making my position clearer.

I thought we were in an adult relationship, whereby I would retain my independence. DP has no concerns if I do my own thing when SD isn’t here, but as soon as she is then all of a sudden my life has to revolve around her, and I find it all a bit unsettling tbh. I have given it some time to adapt to it, spoken to him but he doesn’t see my view.

I want to stay in the relationship but keep my time, my time. I don’t appreciate having 50% of my week dictated.

For example I’m working from home today and started downstairs where I usually work, but want to move upstairs but he keeps saying ‘no don’t, be down here with us so we can spend time together ’

I actually feel tearful feeling so suffocated

OP posts:

5iveleafclovers · 02/01/2025 12:00

It should not be any different whether the child is a step child or not.
The child has no agency in it all

Of course it's different. If OP and her DH divorce, she may never see the child again, she has no rights to see her again. But yet is expected to treat her as if she's her own.

Lentilweaver · 02/01/2025 12:01

Omg boot him out of your refuge. He's a controlling arse.

Cheesyfootballs01 · 02/01/2025 12:03

Bathtimeblues2 · 02/01/2025 10:59

Exactly this. We do all go out on days out, I do entertain her if I am off but I don’t want the constant expectation. Like if I am sitting on the sofa for 10 mins he will be like ‘why are you ignoring SD?’ ‘Can’t you just interact with her, you have been XYZ all day’

I don’t always immediately interact with my own DD when I get a second.

I think the expectation is ridiculous.

He also does this creepy/cringy thing where he ‘praises me’ when he thinks I’m doing well with SD. For example me and the girls were dancing in the kitchen over Christmas just being silly etc and he was like ‘see, that’s better, that’s exactly what I want you to interact with both of them like we are a family’. Nothing wrong with him enjoying seeing this but so cringy to tell me ‘that’s better’ made me want to vomit tbh

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Yeah that last paragraph is so not ok…

He's trying to engineer a family’ and it does come across as really creepy if I’m honest!

I think this relationship has run its course OP

TomatoSandwiches · 02/01/2025 12:05

He doesn't care about what you want at all op, he is trying to manipulate you.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with how you want to live, he just doesn't care.

oatmy · 02/01/2025 12:05

I hear you, OP, and think you are being completely reasonable. The current situation doesn't seem fair on you or your step daughter. Is unblending an option - go back to separate houses and mostly see him when his DD is at her mum's with the odd day out together?

Tiswa · 02/01/2025 12:09

Bathtimeblues2 · 02/01/2025 11:58

I suppose I regret moving in together or maybe not making my position clearer.

I thought we were in an adult relationship, whereby I would retain my independence. DP has no concerns if I do my own thing when SD isn’t here, but as soon as she is then all of a sudden my life has to revolve around her, and I find it all a bit unsettling tbh. I have given it some time to adapt to it, spoken to him but he doesn’t see my view.

I want to stay in the relationship but keep my time, my time. I don’t appreciate having 50% of my week dictated.

For example I’m working from home today and started downstairs where I usually work, but want to move upstairs but he keeps saying ‘no don’t, be down here with us so we can spend time together ’

I actually feel tearful feeling so suffocated

Edited

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What you want thiugh isn’t possible because HE is the problem here, not yiur SD. It is how he is reacting that is causing this issue

you can’t have the relationship you want here so I think you need to end it (and for yiur daughter)

RobinStrike · 02/01/2025 12:11

OP, I feel for you. When you are working you need your own space. Even if she were your DD not SD you wouldn't want to be in the same space while working. This is not just annoying he has no concept of you as a person in your own right rather than his partner and a step parent.
Bear in mind also the warnings MN always offers about marriage and entitlement to half the property etc. If you do marry and then split he and SD will be entitled to half.
I think you are best unblending and having separate homes. It is sad, but you can't live being this stifled.

BusyPoster · 02/01/2025 12:11

I actually feel tearful feeling so suffocated

I think they both need to move out.

MildredSauce · 02/01/2025 12:16

Bathtimeblues2 · 02/01/2025 11:58

I suppose I regret moving in together or maybe not making my position clearer.

I thought we were in an adult relationship, whereby I would retain my independence. DP has no concerns if I do my own thing when SD isn’t here, but as soon as she is then all of a sudden my life has to revolve around her, and I find it all a bit unsettling tbh. I have given it some time to adapt to it, spoken to him but he doesn’t see my view.

I want to stay in the relationship but keep my time, my time. I don’t appreciate having 50% of my week dictated.

For example I’m working from home today and started downstairs where I usually work, but want to move upstairs but he keeps saying ‘no don’t, be down here with us so we can spend time together ’

I actually feel tearful feeling so suffocated

Edited

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It feels like, step daughter or not, your parenting style is being judged and criticised by this man, @Bathtimeblues2 ?

OhBling · 02/01/2025 12:16

I have not read every post but I'm pleased to see the later posts are less, 'wicked stepmother" and more "this man is a twat".

For example I’m working from home today and started downstairs where I usually work, but want to move upstairs but he keeps saying ‘no don’t, be down here with us so we can spend time together ’

This in your latest post really stood out for me. I would go upstairs to work at home when my own children are arond - because I am WORKING, no spending time together as a family. This man very clearly wants you to take on the parenting role. Before you know it, he'll be leaving you to "girl time" while he goes off to the pub.

In one of your earliest posts you mentioned him wanting you all to go to the park together. Again, I find that bizarre. If DD watns to go to the park, EITHER me or DH take her, not both. The other one stays home and gets some chores done or does their own thing. Why on earth would you go to the park together in your situation?

BigDahliaFan · 02/01/2025 12:16

That's really hard. Your expectations are so different from your partners. If he doesn't get it and you've tried to communicate I'm not sure where you go? He wants you to be mum v2 and you want him just to parent his child.

There is a happy medium .....but you feeling suffocated isn't it. He needs to grow up a bit or hire a nanny, or find someone who wants to mother a 6 year old.

It will get easier as she gets older. But his lack of listening to you would bother me.

Lentilweaver · 02/01/2025 12:17

He is gradually shifting parenting to you.. Soon you will be a mum.to two children.

AnonAnonmystery · 02/01/2025 12:28

It’s a bit too much if you are wfh and he thinks it’s an opportunity to spend time together. It’s a time to work and nothing else. It’s annoying and suffocating, I think you guys moved too quickly without getting to know each other. It’s not just about how he is with you about his dd but how he is with you too. I wouldn’t be happy. Is there anything nice he does do for you? Do you love him?

Mrsbloggz · 02/01/2025 12:34

There are lots of replies pointing out that this man comes as a package deal with his daughter and that the op should be willing to take a maternal role but they are all overlooking the fact that he is not extending the same favor to her. He is not willing to take a parental role to her daughter but he expects her to do it for his.

OP, he came from a two bedroom flat and moved into your large family home with you, you are his benefactor and yet he's treating you as if you are beholden to him. He is biting the hand feeds him and you're letting him do it.
I think he is at some level resentful that you have more than him in assets and he's trying to compensate himself by making you give him more than he gives you.

poemsandwine · 02/01/2025 12:34

For example I’m working from home today and started downstairs where I usually work, but want to move upstairs but he keeps saying ‘no don’t, be down here with us so we can spend time together ’

You're working! Jesus Christ, he is ridiculous and controlling but makes it look like 'he just wants family time.' Please know you can do better than feeling suffocated in your own home.

He also does this creepy/cringy thing where he ‘praises me’ when he thinks I’m doing well with SD. For example me and the girls were dancing in the kitchen over Christmas just being silly etc and he was like ‘see, that’s better, that’s exactly what I want you to interact with both of them like we are a family’.

Controlling as fuck. How didn't this give you the ick?

EDITED to add: OP, he came from a two bedroom flat and moved into your large family home with you, you are his benefactor and yet he's treating you as if you are beholden to him. He is biting the hand feeds him and you're letting him do it.

This is what I keep thinking, too.

Good luck, OP. I'm out because it's too early in the year to get the rage due to a man behaving like an idiot and getting away with it. You don't have to do this to yourself. He can move back out.

Codlingmoths · 02/01/2025 12:39

Bathtimeblues2 · 01/01/2025 16:23

I wouldn’t say I’m being wicked. I was clear that I wanted time with my DD separately and he could have time for his DD. I’m not horrible to her in anyway. I think in some ways it would be better all round for DP to spend more 1:1 time with SD but he doesn’t see that.

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She’s 6. You are being wicked if you think she can understand this. You cannot marry her dad without being wicked if you want to ‘fade out of her life’. She deserves better; every 6 year old does. (Separately, I’d find the diet a deal breaker because it says he’s a crap dad and I couldn’t marry a crap dad. But that is irrelevant to whether you can be a good person and marry him thinking you can avoid spending time with his 6yo.

Original poster

Bathtimeblues2 · 02/01/2025 12:43

AnonAnonmystery · 02/01/2025 12:28

It’s a bit too much if you are wfh and he thinks it’s an opportunity to spend time together. It’s a time to work and nothing else. It’s annoying and suffocating, I think you guys moved too quickly without getting to know each other. It’s not just about how he is with you about his dd but how he is with you too. I wouldn’t be happy. Is there anything nice he does do for you? Do you love him?

He works hard, is very affectionate, kind, generous etc almost a different person when SD isn’t here. It’s like he is obsessed with ‘having a family’ he is an older dad and I think he built up some expectation of it over the years. I don’t know really and am getting a bit tired of second guessing it all.

OP posts:

Mrsbloggz · 02/01/2025 12:47

He wants to score points for being a good dad but he doesn't want to do the actual work and put in the effort required.
So he tries to manipulate you into doing the work and putting in the effort and then he awards himself the points.

Dozycuntlaters · 02/01/2025 12:47

You need to end this relationship. You cannot compare the situations between your kids, yours is 15, his is 6, massive difference. If I had got together with someone when my son was 2 then of course I would want to be a family unit and so stuff as a family and I would not have been with someone who did not want the same thing.

How on earth can you fade out of her life but stay in his, that is ridiculous and if you feel this way why on earth did you get involved with a man with a small child. I can't imagine anything worse than being with someone with young kids so I wouldnt even go there. You are being massively unfair and I feel sad for his little girl. Just end this relationship, learn a lesson and moving forward, do not go into a relationship again with someone who has young kids.