AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

By moving him in, you have made him think that you are now a happy blended family, rather obviously. How could you not want to be surrogate mum to his beloved dd?! Either you wait it out until she’s more independent, you tell him you’re not playing happy families (tricky when he lives with you) or he moves out. Is he on the mortgage/tenancy?

The families where it worked was where the step parent was fully committed. One friend's 2nd husband formally adopted her child, so she was 'as his own'.

But this little girl HAS a mum! She doesn’t need another one and IMO it’s overstepping a boundary to try and be another mum. The dad should be able to meet his daughter’s needs on his own- after all, if OP does decide this isn’t working for her, that’s exactly what he’ll have to do. I also don’t think OP is saying she wants nothing to do with this child, but she doesn’t want to do EVERYTHING with her, and frankly why should she? This child needs time with her dad much more than with a stepmum.

It seems to me that, in such situations, before you go ahead with anything, you always, always put the needs of the children involved first. I don't think you have made either child here your main focus. It's more you first, everyone else second and it's coming back to bite you on the bum.
I feel very sorry for both daughters and you should split up before you damage their lives further. Concentrate on being a decent mother for your own child and put your sex life/drama on the back burner until she's older.

The whole showering red flag is key information here.

He wants the OP, to share the load.
That combined with her spacious home is her attraction.

I wonder if she didn't have a home for this loser to move into, and no interest in sharing time when he has his child would they last 5 minutes?

The OP thinks he loves HER, he loves her house and what she can do for him.

It is a common theme with men with young children, get someone other vagina to do my parenting.

How quickly he upped to 50/50 when he had the OP's home and presence, saving him huge money no doubt.

He is so far ahead of the OP.
He has this all sussed out in his head.

His mask is slipping because OP is not jumping up and down at the thought of being main carer to another child.

That he would try and dictate when she would shower in her own home is really chilling.

This is the type of red flag shit that women ignore which was a huge warning to them to get out.

This is not a good man.
I sincerely hope the OP gets him out of her home before things get a lot worse.

@Wizzardry a walk in the park could be framed as lovely as you say, but for a woman working full time who wants a little space to do some cooking /house admin or just relax it could also seem very demanding of precious free time. They are all living together. It's not as if that hour in the park is a gift of his time, he's always there. You could see the hour they are both out as a gift of free time for OP.

Unkind and unfair

I agree.

The OP is sidelining the lives of both children for her own interests.

Both children are already suffering the impact of divorced parents.

The last thing they need are their parents in a new relationship which is already on the rocks.

I don't know how the OP thought this was going to play out.

Dating a man with a 2 year old....

If you don't want to have a young child in your life and be a step mum, don't date a man with young children.

It's hardly a complicated idea to get your head round, is it?

Will you just stop referring to women as vaginas, please?

It's insulting.

"Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting."

So does he want you as a partner in your own right, or just as a convenient step mum/childcare?

Why do you think this?

He can but brushes it of as ‘that’s what my family are like’

Many of the posts here - including the one that keeps reducing us to "vaginas" - are based on two assumptions: first, that parenting is 100% work, and second, that work is 100% undesirable.

Presumably the partner believes that the positives of being part of a family outweigh the negatives (as many people do), and he was keen to share these happy aspects with the OP.

Exactly this. We do all go out on days out, I do entertain her if I am off but I don’t want the constant expectation. Like if I am sitting on the sofa for 10 mins he will be like ‘why are you ignoring SD?’ ‘Can’t you just interact with her, you have been XYZ all day’

I don’t always immediately interact with my own DD when I get a second.

I think the expectation is ridiculous.

He also does this creepy/cringy thing where he ‘praises me’ when he thinks I’m doing well with SD. For example me and the girls were dancing in the kitchen over Christmas just being silly etc and he was like ‘see, that’s better, that’s exactly what I want you to interact with both of them like we are a family’. Nothing wrong with him enjoying seeing this but so cringy to tell me ‘that’s better’ made me want to vomit tbh

I think he can’t cannot fathom that I am not as into parenting his DD as he is. I have gently tried to explain the differences but it goes over his head, I’m just awful for even suggesting I am not thrilled to spend time with SD after a 12 hour shift

That really is cringeworthy.

I think even if he does get the message, he has given you the ick now.

They are a package deal. If you didn't want his daughter, you shouldn't have accepted the man. Find somebody child free. I find find your op very cold. I can honestly see how hurtful it will be for your dp, when he loves his dd, and you. He just wants you to treat his dd the same as your own dd. You've known her since she was 2, I just don't understand. It sounds like you haven't acted towards 6 year old dd that well, so when you have made some effort your dh has been really happy about it. You said yourself you're not interested in going back there, you've done it before with your own dd. I sense there is a wall up, nd your dp is trying to break it down so you can be a proper family that isn't fragmented.

Every post just says this isn't right or working.
I would find that commentary very cringe also. But the point is that you are completely incompatible in your wants. The poor kid will suffer the most.

I can't see him being the one to walk away here - because so many just can't see beyond their bloody dick - even if you're making it clear this isn't the set up you want. He isn't listening.

My goodness the excuses being made for this man. Lots of women are truly single parents and just have to get on with it 100% of the time. I managed it. The child is 6, it's not as if she's a toddler where you need eyes everywhere.

I honestly don't think you can really love somebody if you don't fully accept their child. It is time to walk away op, for the sake of that little girl. I think you have been very niave here, to choose a man with a very young child, and expect to be at a distance.

The op has been in their lives since the child was 2, so why complain now the dd is 6? Makes no sense! Is this a legitimate thread??

I agree that is rather cringy and patronising! However the sentiment behind it absolutely shows that you and your DP are not on the same page. He is still hoping you will be a blended family and co-parent his DD when she is with you. You do not want this.

I don't think either of you is right or wrong, but I wouldn't marry him or stay living together unless you can have a really serious conversation and work out a compromise for how this is going to work. It's not good for his DD if she grows up hearing her dad nagging you to interact with her and you saying you don't want to.

From other posters' comments it sounds like different families have different approaches, with some step parents taking an active role and others taking more of a back seat. I imagine either approach can work well, but you do need to be on the same page about it.

I think this relationship is not for you. If you take on a family, that makes you family. Anything could happen to her mother at any time and her father could end up having her more - and this would be a huge issue for you. If you aren't willing to be a 25% parent (or even say 10%), then you really can't keep this relationship going.

I don't think it's ridiculous for him to go to the gym once a weekend when he has his daughter and anticipate that her stepmother would hang out with her for a couple of hours. They're meant to be a family and I'm sure he does plenty for his stepdaughter if she's living with them.

It's not like she's only there weekends or summer holidays or something - she's there half the week and that could change at any time as she's so little. There's a lot of years to go in this parenting journey and I don't think it does anyone any favours to stick it out now - honestly, part time parenting a teenager sounds like where it would get really hard!

Just end it OP.

How much more validation do you need from internet strangers?

The more you post, the worse it comes over.

Do yourself, him, and the children a favour and move on.

Why date a man with a 2 year old?

You weren't being realistic.

Single dads do come as a package with their kids. But the package is their responsibility alone.

My DP has two kids and I have one. They are our respective responsibilities and they both have other parents. We don’t discipline the others’ kids and we don’t look after the others’ kids alone except very much as a favour, when asked. We don’t live together but eg if I am at DP’s home when his kids are there and I’m not parenting my own child that day, this is my free time. If I want to go to the gym after work and won’t get to DP’s house before his kids are in bed, he doesn’t view this as having failed at my duty to help with his kids. It’s not my duty. He would do/feel the same.

This was not immediate. When DP won 50-50 this was way more parenting than he’d ever done as a breadwinner with a SAHM. He thought I’d be the new cosplay mum and do half of his childcare.

I said:

Oh I’d love to be a wife like you had before. I’ll go down to part time, you can pay half of my mortgage and give me spending money and when we’re old we can live off your pension. I’ll now be in charge of meals and discipline during your contact time so I’m going to limit your kids’ screens and put in consequences for them not eating the food I cook. You will back me up on everything. You are now also 50% economically responsible for my child.

DP was horrified. ‘You can’t come in here and change how my kids are raised…I can’t afford to support you and another child.’

Exactly, I said. You are a single dad.

He changed his job and did parenting courses.

Imagine moving in with a boyfriend who had a horse. Maybe you also loved horses, even had one of your own. But imagine being told that because you had moved in with this boyfriend you would have to do 50% or more of the grooming, exercising and feeding of his horse. You were not to be paid for this because the boyfriend had agreed to give half his money to a woman he used to be with and who he still shared ownership of the horse with.

And when you said sorry but actually you didn’t want to get up at 0500 to go to the stables every other morning to look after someone else’s horse, your boyfriend said
this wasn’t fair because he didn’t have time to care fully for his horse and he needed you to support him.

So being a woman and nurturing, you tried your best. But when you went to exercise the horse it threw you off. It didn’t want you riding it because it wasn’t used to you. When it came back from being looked after by its other lifetime owner it was particularly hostile and attacked you.

And then your boyfriend said you just needed to try harder with his horse. Put more effort in. You suggested changing the horse’s diet and a behavior course. You were told this wasn’t your business, so just try harder because this was what being with a man who owns a horse requires.

So you joined an online forum for advice and people said ‘you should have known what you were getting into, because him and the horse come as a package.’ Or they told you to end your relationship because your only choice as a woman is to take on a man’s responsibilities for him or be alone.

That would feel unfair.

Oh I’d love to be a wife like you had before. I’ll go down to part time, you can pay half of my mortgage and give me spending money and when we’re old we can live off your pension. I’ll now be in charge of meals and discipline during your contact time so I’m going to limit your kids’ screens and put in consequences for them not eating the food I cook. You will back me up on everything. You are now also 50% economically responsible for my child.
DP was horrified. ‘You can’t come in here and change how my kids are raised…I can’t afford to support you and another child.’

Exactly, I said. You are a single dad.

He changed his job and did parenting courses.

Love this! 🤣