AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

@Bathtimeblues2 , Please don't worry about the 75/25 split on the AIBU poll. When reading many of the comments that support him, it seems many readers are knee jerk reacting to the 'bad stepmom/blended families' narrative that your partner has laid out, rather than the specifics of your situation.

It's wierd and controlling that he wants you to change your shower time so that he can palm off childcare from himself by designating it "Family time" together with you. To me, it sounds like he doesn't want to care for her by himself during the annoying early evening hours after work. You shouldn't have to play Barbies after work, he can do this himself. I also find it interesting that he changed his job and increased his time to 50/50 18 months into your relationship. It seems he had SD at the lower % that he could handle alone, and then as your relationship passed the year mark, banked on your involvement to increase to 50/50. Ergo, his increase to 50/50 was based on your time as well as his (e.g. when he expects you to take SD while he goes to the gym during SD's time with HIM). Demanding to add himself and his daughter to you and your daughter's annual trip is tone deaf and inconsiderate at best and controlling at worst. And he doesn't listen to you about any of this. It's telling when you mention he sees that it's easier with your older DD and feels that you should 'muck in'. And worst of all, since you are trying to be nice and weren't sure if you were reasonable, you have given in, so now this is his baseline expectation. It's going to be hard to gently push him back.

You've been beyond generous moving him and SD into your larger home, and in return he's moved the goalposts as he's made more assumptions after putting the ring on your finger. In his defense, I don't think he's intentionally gaslighting you. He genuinely believes that what he is asking for is stepmom/blended familes, rather than pushing his responsibilities onto you.

I genuinely hope that he listens to you (which is so important in a marriage, if he doesn't listen to you now, it won't get better!!!), and that he is willing to make the reasonable changes that you are asking for, and make them immediately. Unfortunately, you've been talking to him over several years and he doesn't seem to get it, and instead demands that you allow him and SD to continue to encroach on your time and energy. He doesn't seem to care how this situation impacts you, he just wants what he wants and plows ahead without regard for you, frankly.

I hope your DH is able to evolve closer to 5iveleafclovers DH:
@5iveleafclovers
Eh? I don't think so. My DH has ALL the responsibility of my step-son when he comes here. I don't have to be here as well. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm out with friends etc. Sometimes we all go out together sometimes they go themselves.
Why on earth would I have to be there all the time? DH is perfectly capable of looking after his own child. But then again my DH isn't a selfish arse who makes other plans for when HIS child is meant to be spending time with HIM.

However, based on what you've posted, it doesn't sound likely. And I hope you take steps to take back your peace for both yourself and your own DD if he's not willing to change. YANBU

Absolutely.
He has zero difficulty with the concept of a hands off relationship with OP's daughter.
But she can't even shower in her own home at a time of her choosing when his child is there.
Enormous red flag of a controlling manipulative man whose mask is slipping now he has moved in.

He is not who she thought he was.
I hope OP is beginning to see clearly that she needs to help him pack.

He moved into the OP's home.

🙄

How does your DD find all of this as it sounds pretty awful for her

he has mentioned that maybe I could shower after DD was in bed as to not miss out on time with her?! And if I do stand firm, it’s oh well she will noticed your gone
😮the effing cheek, I would shoot him down on the spot, point out that he doesnt act like your daughters father so why is he expecting you to act like his daughters mother!
And he has moved into YOUR house, now he's trying to rule the roost. I'd tear him a new one (metaphorically of course)
MInd you, I should talk, I've let men take the piss to a similar degree. I cant believe it when I look back.

I don't think DD is the issue. I think the issue is he's a lazy git who expects you to do the parenting for him. Who wouldn't be resentful of that? He sounds like a misogynistic prick. No thank you.

I still don't understand where you're coming from. You start living with someone who has a young child and seem annoyed you have to eat at 5pm or go to softplay.

But that is part of having a child, and what I would expect if I was in a serious relationship with someone who had a child.

It's like you want a casual relationship while living together.

I think it's time to separate OP because it isn't working.

Of course you do…

Time to send him packing. See if he wants to continue the relationship living apart?

OP you obviously don’t want to end the relationship so maybe it’s worth trying again to have the conversation. Could you start by asking him why he needs you to be as involved with his daughter as he is? Because she has a mum and she doesn’t need another one, and she’s at your house to see her dad. As you say you don’t have to be horrible but it isn’t your role to jump all the way in as he seems to want you to.

Surely it’s enough for you to be present but not as involved as he is- there isn’t an obligation on you to mother her. I mentioned before that my OH and my dd (older than your DSD) have a friendly relationship but he doesn’t attempt to parent her- again, she has a father. He does do things for her, of course, and for the household; but I would never expect him to take on the parenting stuff like the school run or anything like that.

My dd’s father’s (longstanding) gf does try to pull a parenting role from time to time and she is very often around, and my dd actually resents this as she sees the parenting behaviour as overstepping, and she wants to be able to see her dad on his own more than she can. Maybe something else to consider when speaking to your partner?

The more you post the more obvious that he's becoming a controlling piss taker - moving in with you and on your nice big house, going 50:50 thinking you will take on the load, pushing your boundaries, not listening to you etc.

It's not a good relationship.

My rambled thoughts:

I guess that his life also changed with he become a stepdad to your dd also and also had to make some adjustments to his life.

She will grow out of pot noodles and breadsticks - continue to offer a variety of foods.

You cannot control other people. Let them do and think as they like.

You say your relationship is good. Give to DSD as you can. Don't be afraid to take time out.

I am not angry that my family do things for SD, I’m more annoyed that his family do not do the same for my DD. However, I do not expect them too, what grates on me is his families attitude ‘obviously you are not our granddaughter’ when giving a gift to my teen DD. They make a big deal of separating the two girls whereas I and my family are rightly expected to treat them the same. The disparity is what grates on me

My DD is pretty chilled out tbh, she doesn’t mind playing with SD, does her make up, makes cakes with her etc. she likes DP too. She has her space, hobbies etc she isn’t always here when SD is here as she see’s her dad, my mum, friends etc

Surely he can see that? That would annoy me too.

“Rightly expected to treat them the same” // but isn’t your whole point that you don’t want to treat them the same? You want to raise your SD and you want your OH to raise his 6 year old DD without input from you.

Like a lot of men, particularly co-parents, they don’t always want more 1:1 time with their child. They want the woman they’re with to take on the role of their previous partner so they don’t have to up their game and entertain or take responsibility for their own child. This isn’t always true obviously as men are just as capable of caring for their offspring as women are, but a lot don’t want to, particularly at the young ‘annoying’ stage when they are so demanding and it takes a lot more effort to look after them.

Your partner may well want the whole family experience, but I suspect he prefers the fact you and your daughter will be sharing the physical and mental load.

Bathtimeblues2

Do you know what you are going to do?

You shouldn’t have to hold his hand while he takes his child to the park. I would feel suffocated by this situation too.

But this is a separate issue.

How you family and his family behave is not the real point here. They are side issues.

Focus on your OWN emotions.

You don't want to raise a 6 year old alongside your 15 year old.
You're done with parenting younger children. You've said so.

Face the reality that if this was right for you now, you'd not be here asking for advice.

If you were ready for a blended step family, you'd be learning to love the 6 year old and not complaining that you were asked to go to the park etc, so your partner could have some 'him' time.

Obviously there is a balance and only you know if you've 'exaggerated' the facts around this to prove your point (like him saying you couldn't have a shower- why didn't you push back on that at the time?)

IMO when two people parent a child, they behave like adults, sharing the time they give to the child and their own need for space to do their own thing.

This little girl deserves more than what you're willing to offer.
This is a CHILD - don't mess with her future.

You need to end the relationship.

Isn't it odd how that could be reframed into 'Isn't it lovely to share the care of his little girl and go to the park together, have some fun with her and I'm thrilled he wants me to be part of her life'.

This is such a sad story 😞

OP the reason you are feeling awful is that you have boundaries and women who have boundaries are often not treated that nicely and made to feel they are “awful”

your DH is guilt tripping you into caring 50% for his DD

of course that is not “right” unless you really want to

but in my opinion, most men want a step mum to do all the boring child rearing stuff so they can go to the gym and be a nice Disney dad when it suits them.

He is using you and you feel bad because there is a child involved

there is no way out though. you have to accept the package deal I think. Honestly, I know very very very few men who do not see the step mum as free care

And you partner can go to the gym and have all his “me time” when DSD is with her mum

it is not like he does not get a break

I don't know how much real life experience you have of this - step parenting- but my limited experience of friends who remarried was that they were 100% behind the upbringing of the child.

You're taking a very cynical view of 'men' who remarry with a child.

I know women who ditched men because they were behaving like the OP- picking and choosing what they did with her child.

The families where it worked was where the step parent was fully committed. One friend's 2nd husband formally adopted her child, so she was 'as his own'.

The whole idea of 'boundaries' when we're talking about a young child (who's experienced a break up already) is IMO repellant.

It's not 'boundaries' it's selfishness.

Couples who are sensible, talk about how to share care of children. They support each other, with sharing the care and having time to do their own thing.
It's not about 'boundaries' - it's about talking and giving each other space. What comes over from the OP is that she wants to do her own thing, exactly when she wants, - well this isn't how parenting works with young children, step children or not.

It should not be any different whether the child is a step child or not.
The child has no agency in it all.

This relationship isn't going to work. As a step parent, picking up the pieces of a child already suffering trauma, you're either in it 100% or not at all.

@Bathtimeblues2 whichever way you look at this, this whole relationship just isn’t going to work - neither of you appear to be able to find the means to make it work so let it go