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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just fade out of her life

501 replies

Bathtimeblues2 · 01/01/2025 16:17

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 01/01/2025 22:57

Bathtimeblues2 · 01/01/2025 22:19

I do feel as though I have made a lot of sacrifices for our family. Yet, I am made to feel awful to exert some control over my situation. I think, although DP loves SD dearly, he wishes she wasn’t as demanding and see’s me with my teenage DD as having it easier. Like I’m not pulling my weight in the parenting. Iv explained I have been there and done that but he thinks we should all be mucking in!

and I do not expect him to do the same with my DD

Edited

I get what you mean about putting the hard work in but teenagers aren’t exactly the gift that keeps giving also at times! You are just at a different stage of parenting, no playdoh, park trips and soft play! Oh and bloody birthday parties eow! I am hearing you but what’s the real solution here?

AnonAnonmystery · 01/01/2025 22:59

@5iveleafclovers i am not having a dig at op sorry if it came across that way. I read some more of the updates and only way this will work if if the dad steps up a bit too. But I do think it would be nice for them to all do things as a family once in a while too. I know it’s tough! I’m a step parent too and it can be tiring and thankless at times!

LuluBlakey1 · 01/01/2025 23:00

You just want different things. It won't ever be a happy relationship if you can't discuss that and both adjust to a point that you can both accept. Otherwise it will forever cause resentment and you'd be better iff ending the relationship and keeping the friendship you had.

MumWifeOther · 01/01/2025 23:01

Bathtimeblues2 · 01/01/2025 21:22

I totally get that the relationship isn’t for me and that’s heartbreaking as I love DP dearly and genuinely we have a great relationship.

He is a good dad, 50:50 wasn’t about CMS he still pays for SD.

I think I am just past the young child age. When we had less contact with each other’s kids it was easier/ different. But now we live together and it more often I admit I am struggling. DP could help by being less dramatic about the constant pressure to spend time together, but he won’t and I don’t want to continuously sacrifice my free time either so we are at a stalemate really.

You don’t love him dearly I’m afraid or you would respect the fact that his need to include his daughter in your life together is important to him.

You love the idea of him (when it’s just you two)

Unreasonablyextravagant · 01/01/2025 23:01

5iveleafclovers · 01/01/2025 22:52

Eh? I don't think so. My DH has ALL the responsibility of my step-son when he comes here. I don't have to be here as well. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm out with friends etc. Sometimes we all go out together sometimes they go themselves.

Why on earth would I have to be there all the time? DH is perfectly capable of looking after his own child. But then again my DH isn't a selfish arse who makes other plans for when HIS child is meant to be spending time with HIM.

Show quote history

Eh? Who said you have to be there all the time?

What I’m saying, is that two adults who set up home together with young children in the mix should share some responsibilities. I stand by that 100%.

I would find it truly embarrassing if I was the non parent partner who couldn’t cover an hour here or there, and if I was the parent partner, nor would I be with someone who was disgusted by the thought of doing that for me.

The reason blended families so often fail is blatantly obvious in this conversation. To the OP, wanting to fade out of a 6 year old child’s life… best do it now as it’s quite clear expectations aren’t aligned.

JMSA · 01/01/2025 23:06

This is not going to work. I repeat, NOT going to work.
I'm really sorry but it would be lunacy to go through with marrying him, given how you feel about his daughter. I'm not saying you're unjustified in feeling it. But to feel how you do and go ahead with the wedding would be morally wrong.
Plus, he sounds like a lazy father.

Soonenough · 01/01/2025 23:07

What did you think this blending of family would look like? Him parent his kid and you deal with yours and never the twain shall meet . Totally unrealistic. And that poor 6 ! year old spending weeks at a time where she is neither wanted or loved. So very unfair of both you and your DP to inflict your fucked up relationship on an innocent child . Selfish and just mean . Just split .

newfriend05 · 01/01/2025 23:08

You have know this little girl since she was 2 and you feel like this about her .. they come as a package like you and your DD are ...you need to leave this relationship.. your not nice

Guest100 · 01/01/2025 23:08

Live separately. Don’t get married until the kids are older and have your own places to live. Then you can devote a bit of time to spend all together, but you won’t constantly be expected to entertain his child.

5iveleafclovers · 01/01/2025 23:08

AnonAnonmystery · 01/01/2025 22:59

@5iveleafclovers i am not having a dig at op sorry if it came across that way. I read some more of the updates and only way this will work if if the dad steps up a bit too. But I do think it would be nice for them to all do things as a family once in a while too. I know it’s tough! I’m a step parent too and it can be tiring and thankless at times!

I think they do things together as well sometimes. The problem seems to be that the dad is wanting more and more from the OP to the extent he actually tried to dictate when she goes for a shower (but he can go to they gym when he should be with DD).

AnonAnonmystery · 01/01/2025 23:10

@5iveleafclovers well the he needs to go! I go on hols with dp and his kids and he will literally send me off to the beach or spa away from him and the kids for a few hours as he knows I need that break!

JMSA · 01/01/2025 23:10

Bathtimeblues2 · 01/01/2025 16:40

I keep thinking maybe as she gets older it will get easier?

FFS, do not take that risk.
It's not going to change. You've known the wee girl since she was 2 years old and it hasn't changed Confused

OneWittySquid · 01/01/2025 23:13

I think his family have the measure of you and quite rightly protective of their grandchild. She's still a kid please walk away don't ruin her childhood.

5iveleafclovers · 01/01/2025 23:15

Unreasonablyextravagant · 01/01/2025 23:01

Eh? Who said you have to be there all the time?

What I’m saying, is that two adults who set up home together with young children in the mix should share some responsibilities. I stand by that 100%.

I would find it truly embarrassing if I was the non parent partner who couldn’t cover an hour here or there, and if I was the parent partner, nor would I be with someone who was disgusted by the thought of doing that for me.

The reason blended families so often fail is blatantly obvious in this conversation. To the OP, wanting to fade out of a 6 year old child’s life… best do it now as it’s quite clear expectations aren’t aligned.

Show quote history

So what did you mean by this?

To me, if you want to marry a parent you become a family. Not one parent and one single, carefree person. Two people sharing responsibilities

When I married DH, it was never discussed what my responsibilities were now going to be towards his son. He continued to be responsible for his child along with his ex wife. It's worked for all of us for years and years. They don't need someone else to bail them out.

PeppyGreenFinch · 01/01/2025 23:19

It’s interesting how hardly anyone is commenting on how little the step-dad and his family do for OP’s daughter.

It really does show the double standard at play where everything is expected of step-mums and very little is expected of step-dads.

Unreasonablyextravagant · 01/01/2025 23:21

5iveleafclovers · 01/01/2025 23:15

So what did you mean by this?

To me, if you want to marry a parent you become a family. Not one parent and one single, carefree person. Two people sharing responsibilities

When I married DH, it was never discussed what my responsibilities were now going to be towards his son. He continued to be responsible for his child along with his ex wife. It's worked for all of us for years and years. They don't need someone else to bail them out.

Show quote history

I’m not sure I can make it any clearer?

Engagement / marriage is to me, a different level of responsibility, of joining forces.

If you’ve never discussed this nor needed to, great.

It’s quite clear however that OP and her fiancé (and me) would have different expectations, so perhaps worthy of a conversation before agreeing to a legal contract binding them together, no?

poemsandwine · 01/01/2025 23:22

I can't really get over how he moved into your house and now attempts to control when you shower because he'd actually have to parent his kid. Get him out.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 01/01/2025 23:23

PeppyGreenFinch · 01/01/2025 23:19

It’s interesting how hardly anyone is commenting on how little the step-dad and his family do for OP’s daughter.

It really does show the double standard at play where everything is expected of step-mums and very little is expected of step-dads.

I keep mentioning exactly this because people are mis-reading OP's post where she says it grates how much her family do for her SC and how little his family do for her DD - they mis-read it as that she's angry her family pay attention to her SC!

TheaBrandt · 01/01/2025 23:24

Is it expected that a step parent takes on an active parenting role? Would a step father have the same expectations on him?

Perhaps if the other one is widowed or it is agreed from the outset but otherwise I don’t understand the anger at the op. As long as she is kind and respectful to the child why should she be a second mother and do the drudge work of parenting someone else’s child? If her and the girls father split legally she would have no right to see the child again.

5iveleafclovers · 01/01/2025 23:24

AnonAnonmystery · 01/01/2025 23:10

@5iveleafclovers well the he needs to go! I go on hols with dp and his kids and he will literally send me off to the beach or spa away from him and the kids for a few hours as he knows I need that break!

Sounds great and you DP obviously takes his responsibilities seriously and respects you. When I spend time with my step-son, it's because I want to be there, not forced or made to feel guilty if I have other plans. I also don't want step-son to look back in years to come and say he never got any time on his own with his Dad because I was there all the time.

5iveleafclovers · 01/01/2025 23:38

Unreasonablyextravagant · 01/01/2025 23:21

I’m not sure I can make it any clearer?

Engagement / marriage is to me, a different level of responsibility, of joining forces.

If you’ve never discussed this nor needed to, great.

It’s quite clear however that OP and her fiancé (and me) would have different expectations, so perhaps worthy of a conversation before agreeing to a legal contract binding them together, no?

Show quote history

A single father with no mother on the scene I would agree with you but not a child who has 2 parents. I'm beginning to think my DH is in the minority by being capable of taking care of his child. I like my step-son, spend time with him when I want to but I don't have to 'parent' him or make my plans around him. Sometimes my DD (not DHs) will join us for days out etc. but it's all very relaxed and nobody takes offence when we've got other plans.

Unreasonablyextravagant · 02/01/2025 00:00

5iveleafclovers · 01/01/2025 23:38

A single father with no mother on the scene I would agree with you but not a child who has 2 parents. I'm beginning to think my DH is in the minority by being capable of taking care of his child. I like my step-son, spend time with him when I want to but I don't have to 'parent' him or make my plans around him. Sometimes my DD (not DHs) will join us for days out etc. but it's all very relaxed and nobody takes offence when we've got other plans.

Show quote history

On one part, I have to disagree.

A single father with no mother on the scene I would agree with you but not a child who has 2 parents.

A single parent, who has their child 50/50 (or whatever) is alone for that percentage.

Their other parent is not typically involved during “contact” in my experience. So surely it falls to adults in the home they live in to accommodate their needs? And if one of those adults is your partner, don’t you want to accommodate their needs or help them to some extent?

I’m by no way suggesting that any step parent should take on majority responsibility for their partners child, but I do truly believe they have some empathy for their partner trying to do it all alone in “their time” and for the child, who should be welcome and supported in whichever home they happen to be.

Twotribesgonna · 02/01/2025 00:01

Please remove yourself from this little girl’s home. It wasn’t fair of you to get deeper involved with her father when you didn’t want to get further involved with her. You need to do the right thing now. Your dp is the normal one here- of course he sees the 4 of you as a blended family; why wouldn’t he?

poemsandwine · 02/01/2025 00:07

Twotribesgonna · 02/01/2025 00:01

Please remove yourself from this little girl’s home. It wasn’t fair of you to get deeper involved with her father when you didn’t want to get further involved with her. You need to do the right thing now. Your dp is the normal one here- of course he sees the 4 of you as a blended family; why wouldn’t he?

If you read the thread, you'd know that the partner and his child are in OP's house. He's the one who should remove himself and take care of his kid on his own somewhere else.

PiggyPigalle · 02/01/2025 00:11

I'd find it very difficult to be mum to a young child who already has a fully functioning one.
Easier in a way if there was no mum, as then I'd know my role and step up.

A lot seemed to happen about two years ago.
He changed jobs, took on 50% child time, moved in to your home and got engaged.
Surely you both discussed him upping the time he had his daughter. Please don't say he decided on his own.