AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

I do feel as though I have made a lot of sacrifices for our family. Yet, I am made to feel awful to exert some control over my situation. I think, although DP loves SD dearly, he wishes she wasn’t as demanding and see’s me with my teenage DD as having it easier. Like I’m not pulling my weight in the parenting. Iv explained I have been there and done that but he thinks we should all be mucking in!

and I do not expect him to do the same with my DD

It's not selfish to speak up about what you want in life and I admire the OP for owning feelings that she knew would get a bad reaction on here. Yes, he needs to move himself and his daughter back into his own flat, sort out his own childcare and take responsibility 50% of the time. Good luck OP, you know what you need to do.

OP, he's been clever by doing this stealth, vs laying this out upfront. Critsey is rightand you are right as well YANBU. He just managed a clever way to mask his unreasonable demands on you under the guise of stepmom/1 fully blended family. Rather manipulative of him. I hope you are able to ease him back out of your house without issue.

@Bathtimeblues2 him trying to control your shower time by saying his dd noticed you were gone? He shouldn’t even be commenting. Blimey, sounds a bit like she’s treated like a princess. I don’t think this is working for you at all. I think he’s trying to fit you into his world view.

So he has moved into your house and is now expecting you to coparent his DD? I think you need to spell out for him exactly what you want and if he is not happy he can leave. As you say your SD is still little so has very different needs to your DD. He needs to do the lions share of parenting her and as for telling when you can shower that just sounds controlling. Sounds like now he has effectively put a ring on you he thinks he calls all the shots. Blended families are tricky.

If you can't read the whole thread or even just the ops posts then you have no valid opinion.

Have a word with yourself.

You have mis-read the post - Op is upset not because her family treat her SC as one of the family, but because DP's family don't do the same with OP's DD, DP's SC.

I usually don’t comment on others’ comments but - maybe read the thread before you comment, or at least all OPs posts.

I’ve read all of OPs posts and my opinion stands. Don’t live with the father of a 6 year old if you can’t be arsed to be around a 6 year old.

Consider myself spoken to.

MumWifeOther · Today 19:19

Usually when two people come together with children from previous relationships, they become a blended family. It’s quite clear this isn’t what you want. The little girl is only 6, she needs her dad and the right thing for you to do would be walk away, if you can’t accept them as a package.

The little girl needs her dad - that's for sure, not disputed, but her dad keeps trying to palm off her care onto OP. DP appears to be more interested in gaining a nanny for his young child, rather than blending the family.

They’re a package deal. If you don’t want the step daughter, it’s time you leave the relationship.

He’s the one you’re in a relationship with, not us!

So it’s him you have to talk to about it and him you have to talk about next steps if he doesn’t agree.

What’s the point in defending yourself to a bunch of strangers who don’t know you? It won’t change your partners mind.

Of course he does.
MN bingo, solvent women with a house and can do the parenting he wants to "share". 🙄
He saw you coming unfortunately.

Your daughters happiness is dependent on her mum being happy.
Time he moved out.
His mask is increasingly slipping.
You've been had OP.
Get out whilst you can.

That's not what OP said. Have you not even read any of the thread? She just doesn't want to give up all her time to the child. She doesn't have to, the child has 2 parents. OP wants to spend time with the child when SHE decides to, not when he dictates to her (when he goes to the gym).

It's easy for outsiders to say, but really, if you are 4 years in to this - and you have known him for 20 years as well - did you not consider where this was all going OP?

You could be together but live apart. But I think that won't work either because if he has his child half the week he's going to be with her anyway and it will affect how much he can see you alone.

I think it's insulting for some posters to say he's just looking for a vagina - how vulgar is that? If he just wanted sex, he could find a lot of women who don't want commitment.

You don't want a step child aged 6. It's that simple. It's also going to be hard on your DD who's 15 and right into her GCSEs etc having a new bloke in the house and his young daughter.

I think you should forget sharing a house with any man until your DD is 18.
It's a big upheaval and she's already gone through you and her father separating,

OP has literally answered right above your post!

"Now that we live together" and a few posts later on says: "Apologies, we live together in my house as it’s bigger (kids have a bedroom each. Big garden etc ) he had a 2 bed flat."

In her house. That is the crucial bit.
Op, sorry but this man wanted a nanny and a roomier house for his DD. Thats why he is with you.

Yes, 100% this.

I’ve read all of OPs posts. I can’t understand how anyone can be engaged to the father of a small child and not expect to do some parenting.

To me, if you want to marry a parent you become a family. Not one parent and one single, carefree person. Two people sharing responsibilities.

If that’s not for OP, which is perfectly fine, she should get out now and find a partner with no children, or children more closely aligned with her own DDs age so she can have the desired lifestyle.

Wow, you sound not so nice yourself!

Do keep up with OP's updates before posting..

Surely when you decide to get engaged to, or even be in a serious relationship with, a man with children then you know that’s what you’re signing up for? I wouldn’t want to go back to having a 6yo in my home life either, so I wouldn’t choose to be with someone who had a young child.

Eh? I don't think so. My DH has ALL the responsibility of my step-son when he comes here. I don't have to be here as well. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm out with friends etc. Sometimes we all go out together sometimes they go themselves.

Why on earth would I have to be there all the time? DH is perfectly capable of looking after his own child. But then again my DH isn't a selfish arse who makes other plans for when HIS child is meant to be spending time with HIM.

I don’t think it’s possible to become a family unit and not integrate into each others lives. It’s not fair on you but equally not fair on his dd. My partner has kids under 10 where as I have have teens and I am ok with it, but you don’t have to be, To be honest, I think you should end the relationship as a future for you would have to be doing stuff with his dd.

Why are people going on as if OP wants absolutely nothing to do with the child? That's not what she said. The child has her own room in her house for goodness sake, she doesn't want to ignore her, she just wants him to be fully responsible for his child and stop dictating what she does with her own time.