To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

OP, what do you mean by this? Are you saying that unless you first start having (presumably regular) sex with him, he won't make any change? If so, that is abhorrent. It is blackmail. And you know that even if you did have sex with him nothing would change anyway.

Nobody can tell you what is right for you. Only you can do that. Trust yourself and your feelings.

It sounds like it’s over OP. You and your kids deserve better. They will do well knowing their mum took some control back and no longer waited for a man to give a shit.

He clearly doesn’t enjoy time with his family. It seems it’s just convenient for him to keep the status quo.

A loving partner actively seeks time with his family. Of course a life should be well rounded - maintaining connections with friends, doing hobbies (that goes for both of you!), but primarily he should be choosing you. He’s not. Every which way, he’s not.

If he meets another woman, say good luck! You might meet another man - one that shows you love and respect. Might be nice!

This x100000000

This man has zero respect for you
He literally hates you

Look at the way he's behaving, you are over and have been for a very long time

Why the ever loving fuck would you care if he gets someone else?

It doesn't matter.

Please try not to dwell on this. Talk with a counsellor about your fears (just you, not as a couple). Your thoughts on this show how much he has worn you down - you don't think you are worth much, but you think that he will instantly find someone else. He may or he may not. If most of his friends are single or have no family he may find himself and his life fitting in with theirs - men with time to attend to only their own selfish needs. (not all men are like this).

OP please look up emotional abuse, this is exactly how it affects you

Have people managed to convince you to leave and not worry about the other women he may introduce to the kids, or are you going to stay even though you suspect he's already having an affair?

wow op the more you say the worse it sounds. He’s an abusive manipulator whose crushing your spirit and self esteem.
He couldn’t cope when your DD was born , behaved terribly and has returned in body but not emotionally.
He gaslights and undermines you , treating you more like a housekeeper than an equal partner he loves and respects . He’s AWFUL !

Listen to your poor parents and get rid of him.
He checked out of your marriage years ago , only you can’t see it!
You deserve so much better !

I'd want to know where he is for all those hours out of the family home. I'm getting the sniff of an affair.

I left a similar relationship. Some of my friends would no longer come and visit beause they couldn't stnad to see how little exh cared, and how diminshed I'd become. I completely lost my confidence.

About 2 weeks after I left, I met a friend. She said instantly: "thank goodness, the old venusandmars is back". This is how quickly my old self started to return. It took a while, and a lot of work on myself, and it was hard. But dc were fine once they'd got over the short-term disruption, really they were. I don't regret a thing. And my (now adult) dc would be 100% in agreement.

He tells me when he talks to people at work and tells them he has tried to change they say they feel sorry him and that I’m a fucking nightmare. Apparently sister hates me, god knows what I have done to her as I always thought we got on.

OP you are jumping the gun in trying to anticipate what it will be like for your kids to meet his potential next woman!! Don't even go there!! First he would have to find a new home, then a girlfriend, then hope he can keep her when he snores and wakes up with bloodstained teeth. Does not sound good from the personal hygiene aspect with his teeth. And you think he's a catch??
He is projecting his own shortcomings onto you and then expecting you take full responsibility for them. Some aspects of his behaviour mimic gaslighting - only not necessarily with you but the professionals you have approached for help. This is why some of these sessions should be held separately so you can say what you need to say without fear of your DH riding roughshod over your very valid feelings. This man is controlling you.
Make 2025 be the year that you discover yourself.
Get your ducks in a row and then initiate the split! Opt for 50/50 childcare - he won't have time for all his activities. Then you can start living a happier life than your current one. Making the break is not easy. Been there and done it. But oh the freedom it offers!!

Of course it matters - you still have to be there whether the kids are in bed or not. What was he like before you were married OP? I ask because he’s behaving like a single man, and you can’t carry on a relationship while he’s treating you as the hired help. I would confront him and tell him you need to work this out and he needs to step up or the marriage is over. Left to it’s own devices it’s not going to get any better and it’ sending entirely the wrong message to your children.

Honestly he was the kindest, most supportive person ever. Couldn’t fault him. It was like a switch when my our first child arrived

Punching walls is extremely aggressive behaviour.

For the love of god, leave this scummy bastard.

He was a bit off when I was pregnant to be honest. Was a nightmare to get him to come to hospital if I had reduced movements or anything. He got up once with the our DD when she was a baby and just fell asleep whilst she was in the bouncer so that was all left to me.

They do there. They gather allies. Even Bob up the road thinks you're a cracking head bitch. It's just another tactic.

My one told me even my own brother agrees I XYZ. I told him he doesn't need to gather allies. I dont give a fuck what other people think including my brother. I'm not happy and it's my life.

He said he wasn’t thinking straight, he was ill. He seems to think he had depression after she was birn

Exactly what an abuser does .
Gets on your head!

Every bit of advice you get , your reply is “but he said this “
”but he said that”

what he says is bullshit so he can live the life he chooses with no consequences .
People on here are looking in with clear head and no doubt experience. .
They have no reason to bullshit you .
He does!

Forget what he says.
Leave the marriage
As advised get your ducks on a row
Stop speaking to him about sorting things and out your energy into your escape plan .

It is patently clear that he isn't a decent person

My ex never got involved in fatherhood, found it boring, cold, wanted to stay home on his phone. It's only since we have divorced he takes them in holiday and will do a school pick up.

It's amazing how they will change once they have to or feel guilty enough to want to put things right.

You appear to be in a situation where being with and ‘chosen’ by this man is integral to your self worth. Your reaction to not knowing where he is isn’t anger at his disrespect and lack of consideration, like most women’s would be, for example. Most women wouldn’t get back together with someone who abandoned them with a newborn, and so on and so forth.

Now, based on your comments:

• You won’t put your foot down, stop being a doormat and demand respect - because you don’t have the energy.
• You won’t try counselling as you’ve done it before.
• You won’t leave, because then this horror of a man might ‘choose’ someone else.

So, basically, you’re setting the scene to just stay exactly as you are.

@Fastforwardayear ffs stop thinking of some mystical imaginary women he may become the perfect gent for. It’s not going to happen. He doesn’t care about changing. He doesn’t care about anyone else. If he dates again he will be the same person.

you want to stay with him for a miserable existence for the rest of your life so he does g have some imaginary brain bypass and become a wonderful loving doting partner to someone else?

Seperate. Stop navel gazing. He doesnt care enough to be part of a strong loving family unit.

You will be a better stronger happy mother and woman when it’s all over.

the kids will have a better, happier and mentally healthier mother which is better for them.

also - look at the role modelling you are doing for your children by accepting this and staying. What would you advise your children if they were in a relationship like this? What will you say to them in 20 years when they ask you why you stayed with someone never there for you? Someone that never really played a part in their lives? Might as well just get a lodger.

@Fastforwardayear he is making this stuff up about his workmates. And his sister. And even if it were true it’d be because he fed them a pack of lies! Ditch him. Cross the bridge of another woman when it comes.

I also had depression after my daughter was born. I have never punched a wall in my life.