To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

So your counsellor agreed that it was OK for him to walk out and leave you with a new born baby and that now it is OK for him to be out 5 evenings a week? Your counsellor sounds absolutely crap. Anyway, a counsellor can't fix your DH as he doesn't want to be fixed. He is living the life of a single man while you work and do everything at home. You just need to plan your departure.

He’s basically destroying you, OP. That’s what it amounts to. There is no way I would put up with this. And I know for certain that if my DH or BIL behaved like this, PIL would come down on them like a ton of bricks. Yours thinks this is ok - it most certainly is not.

He’s doing it because he can get away with it. If you carry on putting up with this, you will be miserable - and DC should not have a miserable DM.

When you're thinking about your future and the well-being of you and your children, why is what Bob at work said to your DH part of your considerations? It sounds like you are taking the nonsense other people are saying over your own experience. Your DH is an unpleasant, abusive man who doesn't care about you - stop listening to him and listen to yourself. Unsure why you're so fixated on this hypothetical other woman.

https://thespectator.com/topic/how-divorce-never-ends/?fbclid=IwY2xjawHgttZleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHdEIZqkAK_Xz8dVAiTc1ELHY9enqkO-H9ZoMfFNXR8yLB2i2cZ-WUdm8Lw_aem__BdxSzJlPsvfwHbX7hwlhg

All you are hearing is what he says. You don't know that any of it is true and even if it is, then you don't know what he's been saying to them. He is toxic and you will regain yourself when you get rid of him. If he does meet another woman then I don't think he'd be hurrying to introduce her to the children, do you?

Agree with all of this. Ignore posters who are telling you to go for counselling, it's never advised where there is abuse involved.

This man has been aggressive punching walls, is gaslighting you currently making everything out to be your fault, making you question your own judgement, slapping your bottom suggestively every time you bend over... All of this is abusive. He's a nasty piece pf work. Stop worrying about him finding another woman. Pity the next woman. Hopefully she will wise up fast.

You need to accept it's over and allow your parents to support you in leaving. Your children will grow up learning that this is how relationships are conducted. This is damaging for dc whether they are boys or girls.

What is the purpose of posting this? It only serves to keep women in awful relationships. It's fear mongering. Th parents in that article handled their divorce and aftermath badly which is what has affected the writer and her husband. Not the break up itself.

Hi OP - it sounds like you’ve done your utmost to reason with him and it’s getting you nowhere. He acts like he wants, and is manipulative when you’ve tried counselling.

Given his track record, I wouldn’t expect him to agree with you if you try to discuss separating. Instead just start the admin process of divorce, keep focussed on your future, and get yourself out of there. On to next steps.

I know you’re worried about him meeting someone else, but try and reframe that as a relief - If that happens then he’s someone else’s problem and you can live your best life without him.

You can go separately.

I'm surprised that you don't see how abusive this is. He often goes out for the entire evening, leaving you at home doing childcare. He agreed to ONE night where you could go out while he stayed with the kids, and then he reneged on it by staying out late. Then he blamed it on you, that you shouldn't have expected him to come home for the time he had agreed to. From where I sit, he clearly did this deliberately so that you would know that ONLY HE is allowed to go out, that YOU are NOT allowed to go out. That HE will go out and stay out as long as he wants, and that he is under no obligation to stick to his word. That HIS wants are important, and yours are unimportant.

That sort of behavior on his part is extremely manipulative. Getting your hopes up, only to dash them to the rocks. It's incredible that he came home to you at 11:30 pm to you all dressed up in your mascara and then told you it was your fault. I don't understand how you don't see how that is emotional abuse towards you.

He has trained you to accept being treated like dirt, and as if all the world agrees with him that you have somehow done him wrong if you don't applaud his narcissistic behavior.

I'm going to take a wild guess here that when he tells his work buddies about you and "they all agree" that YOU are the problem, that the way he phrases it is, "I offered to stay with the kids so she could go out, but she wouldn't work with me on the schedule, instead she expected me to cancel my plans with my friends and leave them in the lurch, she's completely unreasonable."

I don't want to be the voice of doom, but this man is out with his friends, most nights, until all hours, and for many entire weekends, at "festivals." You are worried that if you break up, he will find someone new, but how do you know that he hasn't already done so? He certainly has the opportunity, and he seems to have zero loyalty to you, so what would hold him back from having one or more affairs, or even a long-term girlfriend?

You seem to be basing your entire self-worth on him loving you. I get that society gives men a lot of room to be total jerks and yet still be validated, whereas women are condemned for any failure to be beautiful, great moms, high flying career women, perfectly adaptable wives who provide amazing intimacy on demand (no matter whether they receive the same in return), etc. But in my estimation, this man isn't worth 1% of what you are worth. You deserve better than him. You really do.

You really do need to put this out of your mind.
If you were to separate what makes you so sure he'd give up his evenings or weekends out to look after the DC let alone introduce them to another woman.

He'll be telling them either a pack of lies or a completely distorted version of the truth and then trying to gaslight you with them agreeing with him. He is really manipulative.

That won't work with men like this. The kids will be neglected if she does this. It's how men like this get their way always.
My ExH was exactly the same.
When I left I had to get to a mindset where I wasted no emotional energy on thinking about the unfairness.
Funnily enough, nowy kids are all much older and have a close relationship with me but not him, he thinks I must have turned them against him. They're not daft. They can see what he is.

He will never change. Or so that he has done anything wrong. All you can do is walk away, protect the kids and your peace in this situation.

He says, he says, he says - Op, what he says is rubbish and lies. The only reason you're still with him is because he's worn you down to nothing, he's taken the fight out of you, even you say you've lost yourself. The only way you'll be happy and find the old you again is to get out of this awful marriage. If you could be away from him for a while you'd start to see him more clearly ,even if you took the children to your family for a few days I think it would help you.

He will probably meet someone else but he is likely to have limited time with the kids. He's not going to suddenly want to do pads of solo parenting if you split up when he won't even do joint parenting at home now.
This was my biggest fear and my divorce solicitor was the one who pointed this out to me.

You have gone part time to be available to them, can evidence that the children are used to you caring for them etc. he wouldn't get 50/50 etc

I would honestly see a solicitor. You don't have to tell him, but knowing what will be likely to happen will make you feel stronger.

You sound really really unhappy OP. Your DC will pick up on it. There is a better life out there for you and them, and that is in all likelihood without him.
Go see a solicitor, information is power, so you know what your options are for a split. Ironically if he only had the DC EOW you'd already end up with more time to yourself, and one less person to clean up after and worry about.

@HelloWorldItsNiceToMeetYou I know. I posted my response earlier on it the thread before it became increasingly clear just how bad things were.

You're the frog in the boiling water

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boiling_frog

.....you just can't see what he's doing to you and to the children

You'll see it one day and you'll be horrified at the eons you've wasted on this vile narcissistic psychopath

Either he is spinning you a load of lies here to keep you in your place, or his workmates are a bunch of creeps like him so who cares what they think? His sister is always going to back him no matter what and, bearing in mind she grew up in the same family that produced him, she has probably been brainwashed since childhood to accept men can behave like this. Ignore her. She doesn't matter.

You have done NOTHING WRONG. You are unfortunately married to a nasty abuser. You are ENTIRELY REASONABLE to get yourself and your DC away from him. In fact, you owe it to them to do so.

I’ve told him I am leaving. Now he has told me that he fancies a woman at work and I feel so shit

When? On a Sunday afternoon? Nothing you say here suggests he's a committed father.

Ok! Well done! That's a good step.

Everything he says is designed to make you feel like shit. You need to look up on the Grey Rock technique - he will probably turn pretty nasty here and you need to protect yourself as much as possible. Remember he is NOT the person you thought he was at the beginning. He is a selfish lying twat who will only get worse as he realises he's lost control of you. But you can be free, and it will be worth it. Grey rock.

What's your plan? Can you take the children to your parents?

I’m actually shaking inside, he has been going to these festivals with her and apparently she was just a friend.

It might be better to get him to stay away for a few days whilst you see a solicitor etc. see if you can go online now and make an appointment for tomorrow or next week.

Same with estate agent if you think selling & splitting equity will be the only way to get rid of financial links.

Collect together as much financial info as you can. Get his payslips, pension details, savings accounts etc. start to make a list of what you own and owe as a couple.

Take the kids passports, your id and other documents and hide them at your mums.

It's such a shame that you can't see how he deliberately manipulates you and plays you and purposely messes with your brain

There probably isn't a woman. He just wants you back under his psychopathic control