To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

OP, I completely get how repulsive and horrifying the idea of your DC going through parental divorce, having two homes, and perhaps meeting a STBEH's new partner in the future, is to you.

You are going through marriage break up; it's something that's happening to you and your kids, and it's not your fault. Meet it head on as you would illness, redundancy, flood in the home etc. At the moment it isn't a happy home and that will be affecting your DC no matter your efforts; the version you want, where it's a happy two parent family, is not an option now and very sadly you have to accept that and let it go.

I think the final part of letting go of STBEH and your marriage, is accepting him with someone else. It might feel impossible at the moment, but honestly one day you won't give a fig. You'll just feel sorry for her. I promise that day will come.

You sound like you are grieving your past relationship, and the life you thought you would have. That's to be expected and therapy could help; time definitely will.

You can allow yourself to have these emotions, but you can also use your rational thought to take your next steps. Your kids will be ok. You will be ok. This is the hardest bit and it will pass. Let your family help you and take your next steps 💐

Yes, unfortunately I agree with you op your marriage is over. Your husband sounds like the king of manipulation. Make this year about you and putting your needs first for a change. Good luck. Remember, you deserve happiness too!

This man doesn't love you and you don't really love him. You are both just scared of letting each other go. He's completely checked out. It's not normal at all. He's living like a single man who is a longer in your home. Sometimes interacts with the kids but basically it's like you aren't really his family.
Get rid.
Life is too short. I know its scary but I really hope you do this soon. Having this understandable festering resentment will eat away at you.
I know its unfair being the bad guy.. when he's effectively ended the relationship but wants to blame you because he's a coward. But just be the 'bad guy' be the one who asks him to leave. And not because you expect him to change, he's clearly not going to change.. just tell him to leave and mean it.
Imagine not having to deal with him? Imagine having total control over your own space.
And one day when the kids are older you'll get lots of free time to do your own thing. Make friends, see old friends, maybe even meet another man who actually enjoys your company and treats you with respect.
He is dead weight in your life. Don't keep him around just to be angry at. I know the feeling.. you've been so hurt that you can't actually let go of the person who hurt as if you do there's part of you that will have to accept it was for nothing.. there's part of you that has to accept he doesn't love you and it can't be resolved.. so however bad the relationship is you feel inclined to hang on to it as accepting you aren't lived at all and there's nothing you can do is so painful.
But it's a toxic dynamic. You'll wither away in bitterness.
He's absolutely exploiting you. He doesn't want to be there at all but he doesn't want things to change. What a sad half life.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

If you decide to part and your DH is happy to let you walk away it tells you all you need to know about his true feeling.

If he meets another woman soon after leaving it verifies it.

That falls under "sulky", unfortunately. You can't make people change, they have to want to do it for themselves.

Really and truly though, it's nothing to do with you "pushing him away", so please don't blame yourself or anything you have done. The issue really is with him x

Go to Relate. Talk this through with a counsellor. Then decide what to do

We have. He just ends up making the counsellor agree with him and I get lost for words

When you hear his car pull up on the drive or the front door go, what do you feel? When he walks into the room how do you feel? When he rolls over in bed how do you feel?

When I knew it was over (after months of trying to fake intimacy) my stomach would drop. It didn't matter how much I felt I should be happy or grateful, it sank. I was just so much happier not being disappointed or made to feel less than. My spirit grew when he was away.

@Fastforwardayear honestly, you need to end this. You probably think he will have the relationship you want, but with someone else and feel you can’t face it. He won’t because he can’t - he won’t change!

On your own. Doesn’t have to be Relate either - find a counsellor for you.

He sounds very selfish and if my partner were like that I would be upset too . A night out a week is fine but every evening and weekend….doesn’t he want to spend time with you and your children? And do you never have date nights together? If you have already tried counselling I would just do as has already been suggested…arrange your own nights out and leave kids with babysitter and also arrange time with husband and the kids . If he can’t commit to planned time with his wife and children then I don’t think it’s family life that he wants. Unfortunately it does sound like you could do better but may be worth one last try.

He won’t budge at all due to the sex side of it. We are at a loss.

I personally think you’ll be better off without him, you’re pretty much single anyway, he is absolutely taking the piss out of you but if you feel you cannot let him go then it would be a case of waiting until the kids are old enough to put yourself first and act the exact same way but what would really be the point? I couldn’t do it, my partner disappears sometimes after arguements to calm down but if it were every single weekend and not at home in the evenings I’d rather be alone, you’re alone anyway but just constantly wondering where he is which I know for a fact will be destroying your mental health……

i can’t remember if you said if you have DDs or DSs but either way, would you want your son to treat his wife like this? Would you want your daughter to marry a man who treated her the same? If the answer is no then you’re doing them a favour by leaving him as they will only follow this relationship example if it’s all they know. They may be gorgeous children but they won’t have gorgeous relationships in adulthood if they don’t see good behaviour modelled.

Men run away when you want them to care. Back off completely, get your own life, tell him he’s looking after the kids. Don’t ask, tell.

Read Ho Tactics, time for women to realise how men function

What if I make it worse by him just introducing a new woman to them, surely that would affect them

I can’t live like that.

My mum knows me better than anyone. I have completely lost myself. I used to be so confident and level headed, now I question my every decision and have really low self esteem. She knows how hard I have tried to keep it together

Neediness makes men run away. It’s a fact.

You must use reverse psychology if you want him back (but I don’t know why you would)

Act like you don’t even know he is around (when he is around)..get busy with self improvement. Watch him notice you again.

You are just the nanny and housekeeper and he's fuming that you won't also be the sex robot.

I am so very sorry, Fastforwardayear. Your husband carries on like a single chap.

Don't worry too much about him finding someone else, nobody would put up with him for long.

You really do need to break up with him but you know that. Your situation is intolerable, he is so selfish. Maybe he cannot help it, I don't know but there are people in the world who are totally unsuited to family life and he sounds like one of those.

Please resolve to put things in order and separate. That will certainly give him a shock but not your problem.

No woman, or man, should be expected to put up with such immature, selfish behaviour from a partner and ultimately your children will be affected by it.

You will be better off on your own, you'll get used to it and probably thrive after a while. However I know it will be hard. You have to be strong. Thank goodness you have a job.

Good luck.

Why are you so fixated on this? This man treats you like shit. Why is the idea of anyone else being with him so horrifying to you?

Yes, when you end it, he will eventually find someone else. Possibly sooner, possibly later. So what? Your children will be fine. People’s parents get new partners, and life goes on.

You need to get prepared if something happens.

you don’t need to do anything but get a forensic accountant, get pensions and stuff ready. A lot of these situations women don’t realise that the war has already been fought. Meaning he may just been waiting for you to pull the trigger and has already hidden assets and money etc. a neighbour could not find her husband details when they are going through it so she can get all the legal things started.

he clearly has checked out so treat him like someone who has checked out. All the best

OP, my parents' relationship was not good at all. Thankfully, they broke up and both ended up in much better, more functional relationships. If you only show your children this terrible relationship, it will be much harder for them to end up in functional relationships of their own. It also sounds highly unlikely that he would have primary custody, so your example of being a person with good self esteem, respect and a good life will be the major example in their lives.

You have already done all the things that people suggest: talks with him, counselling, telling him how this affects you. There aren't any options left, except life in this horrendous relationship with a person you resent and don't want touching you or get out. I'd choose get out.

Hi OP

It reads like you know that splitting is the right thing to do but you're worried about the effect on the children if / when he meets someone else

Firstly she'd be welcome to his lazy misogynistic arse

Your kids won't be traumatised. He is unlikely to want to see them on his own, which wouldnt be much of a change to them. If he sees them with a gf he is likely to either treat them better to impress her, or she is likely to pick up his slack which means they will be better off, as I wouldn't really trust him to look after them.

Plenty of people have step parents or have parents with new partners and are perfectly fine. Most people would much rather have that, than see their mum get treated like absolute shit by their father.

Remember kids often grow up to act out / end up in the relationships they've seen modelled when growing up. You don't want your kids to be married to someone and treat them or allow themselves to be treated, how he treats you.

Please just leave gin, he sounds absolutely horrible. I think given time you'll realise you don't love him, just the idea of what you believed he was like once