To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

This doesn't sound trivial at all. He deliberately sabotaged your night out. I get not wanting to miss his friends birthday but you say to the mate I can only come for a quick drink because FastForward is out tonight and I'm with the kids. He prioritised his mate over you and then tried to frame you as the unreasonable one.
This doesn't sound like a man who remotely likes you, let alone loves you. And you (not surprisingly as the man sounds like an utter cunt) couldn't come up with one way you love him either. Rip the plaster off now, start the year as you mean to continue it and end it today. You and your kids deserve so much better than this.

It sounds like the wonderful people your children are is solely down to you. All this man does is break your spirit, you know you need to walk away. He's shown you who he is and that he won't change even though his behaviour is hurting you, this isn't someone who loves you.

You’re presumably not in bed. It’s amazing how men like him have very crucial hobbies and late months at work while the children are small. When the children grow and become less demanding suddenly the hobbies aren’t as important. But by then most women would rather not be with the selfish fuckers any more to find out.

That’s because he’s exposed you to his behaviour for so long that it’s become your ‘norm’

Anyone else reading your account thinks absolutely no way and sees him for what he is.

But he could do this to you anyway? Better to be the one in control of your own destiny. Keep your powder dry, get those ducks in a row and don't waste another precious moment on him x

The fact he doesnt want to change is a dealbreaker.

Hi OP

It sounds like you're in a really tough spot, feeling both lonely and disconnected from your partner despite your long history together. It's really important to have your needs met in a relationship, especially when it comes to support and companionship. Have you thought about seeking couples counseling? It could help open up a dialogue about your needs and expectations. Sometimes having a neutral third party can make a big difference in understanding each other better. Whatever you decide, remember your happiness and wellbeing are just as important as anyone else's in your family.

Yes. I know the thread is long so you probably haven’t read it but yes we have been down that road

OP I'm sorry, I think you're right, your marriage is dead. I find it very telling that he left when DC1 was tiny 'because he couldn't handle it'. That is very, very poor behaviour - he fathered the baby, he's your husband, he's got to deal with infant care. To run away from that is just pathetic, selfish, altogether wrong.

Apparently, he then came back having decided that he simply wouldn't deal with it and go on living as if single while leaving you having no life outside parenting. A choice that you would pull even a teenager up over, and that in a grown man is frankly beneath contempt.

I think you love a memory. The man you're with has nothing lovable about him. Zilch. Start planning the divorce. All the best!

Stop living so much in your head. You think you love him, but actually you are in love with the dream of married / family life that you thought you would have. That dream doesn't exist for you in this relationship.

You are stopping yourself from taking action becuase you are imagining how awful it might be for your dc to be disrupted. Instead, dream of how much love and freedom you will be able to give them, how you will be able to show them what a good life is like. Stop thinking about how unbearable it might feel if your h meets someone else (and he might because he thinks he deserves someone to cater to all his needs), instead dream of how strong you will feel, and how relieved that this man is not slapping your arse or blaming you for HIS selfish behaviour.

Take a step back and see what others can see. You didn't push him away when you had dc - HE found it hard and chose not to participate. You are doing everything for your dc and your house, and you are working 3 days. That is awsome. You will find it so much easier not having to cater to his needs.

Please use the new year, and the good advice you've had on this thread. Gather all your financial information, speak to solicitor, confide in supportive family and friends.

Your husband is awful OP- he sounds absolutely vile.

He’s abusing you and gaslighting you. He would rather turn it into something you are doing wrong because he will not accept his atrocious behaviour. He likes his life how it is and you are allowing it because he is manipulating you.

You need to find your anger and say enough is enough. He has no respect for you whatsoever. He does not love you because if he did he wouldn’t treat you this way.

There are brighter days ahead for you OP. Your children will be absolutely fine - of course there may be some initial upset but you need to be happy for them to be happy.

I would get out of this marriage OP.
Whilst it’s healthy to have your own interests, it’s not healthy to go out most of the week leaving your other half with the lions share of childcare. Like you said, when are you supposed to do your stuff?
Ive been with my hubby for 24 years and we have older teen kids, our life is very much together but with the occasional night off to do our own thing.. sounds like you have the occasional night together. He’s totally gaslighting you telling you it’s normal.
I hate to say it, but he is also blaming you for lack of affection, this sounds to me like he is gearing up to an affair and then he can blame you for it rather than his marital neglect which is what made you un affectionate..
He sounds like a div to me.. get rid.. what exactly will you be missing if you split? A lifetime of worry, hurt and wondering where he is the whole time.. treat yourself better!

OP you deserve so much better. This is one of those cases where as he isn’t bringing anything to the table your life will be easier without him and he will have a bloody shock of a wake up call.

@Fastforwardayear

Do any of his friends have DC?
Do they call him out on his behaviour?

All his friends are a bit odd. They don’t have kids or in relationships. He has got close to one of his work friends who is divorced but he has a bizarre outlook on life so he probably just latched onto that. I am convinced he H is seeing his sister as she seems to be everywhere. She has just got out of a relationship with a 50 odd year old man, I mean there’s nothing wrong with that but she is only 32

Op, before you breakup, try engaging a baby sitter for one night out per week - say the curry night and just get dressed up and go.

Then join in for the other night too but with the kids. You will all need to come home earlier with him helping.

Change the fact that you spend only two nights together per week, don't put up with that.

Before we had children I definitely had the upper hand, it seems he has got me right he he wants me now.

You knew I just couldn't leave

Start living your own life, that means getting babysitters and paying them or having family come and babysit so you can have a life outside of the home.

What are your interests? What are your hobbies?

Go to stuff with your dc at the weekends and don't be there - just craqck on with your life and stop doing stuff for him

He wants to control you, he has you exactly where he wants and needs you to be - at home tied up

bought time you showed him thats not the case

He says I should be grateful as I get a curry out of it.

He says I should be grateful as I get a curry out of it

and he wonders why you don't want sex with him.....

OP he absolutely is abusive. Dont be concerned about 'breaking up the family' - this is on him. Plus the children must see that their dad is barely around and doesn't seem to like them. He is not a good father when he treats their mum with contempt. He probably would find someone else if he hasn't already - but you can support the children if that happens. This is no life for you and DC. Make a plan and don't discuss it with him, it will just give him more ammunition against you.

He's a lazy, flatulent, snoring, pig with bad oral hygiene. I don't think you need to worry about him meeting someone else tbh!

Does he act like he loves you? No.

He acts like he despises you. This is over. You love a man who no longer exists for you, and divorce will not change whether or not an arsehole like this finds someone else. Your marriage means nothing to him as it is.

Plan your exit. End things on your terms, because he won't think twice when he wants to end things on his.

A friend of mine is in this situation and even her husbands friends think he's a colossal prick, but she loves him despite him constantly glavanting and being a piss poor father.
We've said all we can without making her feel she can't share with us how shite he is but we'd love her to ditch him and have a chance of happiness. Not saying with another man, just not living with misery and anxiety over what he's doing.

That’s it. I never knew where he was, what he was doing, he never answered his phone it was a living nightmare

woulnt worry op noone will last long enough to stik around he souns gross