To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

Some people will say yes. When something like this happens, it's like the end of your world but, when some time has passed and you're able to look back on it without hurt and upset, you can see it's the best thing that could have happened and has opened doors for you that you would never have imagine in your old life ❤️

I appreciate it's really awful for you right now but things will get better for you. Sending you love and strength to get through this @Fastforwardayear

I don’t know about that but even though this is so painful now in the long run you’ll be happier.

You will get through this, that he’s been seeing this other women is just another indication of how faithless and selfish he is.

You say he was great pre kids but im willing to bet that’s because you revolved your life around him and gave him all your time and attention . The moment you became pregnant and he had to give something vs taking - to support you, to step up as a father to be - then he became resentful.

He might be able to kid himself and this woman he can be a great guy with her but believe me it’ll have nothing to do with her and everything to do with him enjoying the attention he craves. She won’t be enough, you won’t be enough - doesn’t matter really, it’s all about him, how can it not be when he has spent the last six years doing all he can to avoid being a loving present husband and father?

Focus on yourself and the kids and that confident person you know is the real you. You’re going to be ok.

Being with another woman isn’t the worst thing he’s done to you. Not by a long shot. The fact that you think it is is genuinely baffling to me.

Oh my god I just read your updates. You will get through this: this man has no dignity, is a liar, a cheater and fundamentally dishonest in his core. And arguably also a bad father for involving his children in his affair.

Use that has a reminder of why you will be better off. My ex did similar and my DD was too young to understand it or mention it. I honestly think it helps because it’s so horrendous it shows you who they are: it’s not on you, it’s 100% on him as a person.

Ignore what his life will be going forwards if you divorce. He might be happier, he might regret his actions………. either way what he thinks/feels, what happens to him going forwards isn’t your concern anymore.

You are so used to prioritising his happiness over the years that you have totally lost sight of what is imporrant. Your sole focus needs to be on what is going to make you and the children happy going forwards, how can you make yours and the children’s lives fulfilled and contented.

I know it’s difficult but if you split then what is best for the children is both you and their Dad are happier in the future. You don’t make each other happy together. I know we want our ex to be miserable, their relationships to fail and for them to realise we were best for them and they ruined it all and lost us. But forget about him now, don’t torture yourself about his future without you.

100% focus on your future and your children’s.

You’re wanting too much too soon op.

If he hasn’t met someone else you probably wouldn’t be that bothered that he’s left. But finding out he’s been cheating with another woman and involving your children is a huge betrayal of trust not to mention it’s going to be a massive dent to your confidence and ego (which is already on the floor)

You say “how could he do this to me, I trusted him?” But c’mon op - you know he’s a lying, faithless pos - you’ve detailed his terrible behaviour here on this thread. This man has shown you completely who he is (a selfish, nasty, abusive bastard) for a while now and you’ve chosen to ignore his behaviour for the sake of staying with what you know and fear of the unknown.

The only thing that will help you get over this is time and possibly some therapy to work on your low self esteem. Just think about all the crap you’re not going to have to put up with from this man now - he’s the ow cross to bear now!

You and your dcs will end up so much happier without this toxic influence around but it’s going to take you time and self reflection to get over it. And pining over him and trying to convince yourself he was someone you need isn’t going to help you. Be kind to yourself for now - make sure you’re eating and drinking enough and just do whatever you need to do one day at a time. You are very hurt and confused and it’s going to take a while before you realise you really are better off without him.

I had a horrible breakup earlier in the year with a toxic man whom I’d only been seeing for 3 months and it’s taken me a really long time to get over it. I feel a lot better now but I still have moments of ruminating about it and feeling upset. I can recognise the reasons why it’s been so hard for me to get over though - I thought I was madly in love with him and he with me and then it turned out he was married. He basically ghosted me and then told his DW a lot of lies about what actually happened. He told me a lot of really big, shocking lies about his life that turned out to be bollocks. I feel that I was taken in by a charlatan and my trust was abused which massively fucked with my head and I felt like a suffered ptsd from his behaviour. I was so shocked and hurt and at first I wanted revenge and had very dark thoughts running through my head. But eventually I realised that would achieve nothing but making him think I was obsessed with him, so instead I comfort myself with the knowledge that someone that screwed up is never going to be happy inside and content with his life if he’s willing to go to such lengths to cheat, lie and lead a double life.

Im secure in the knowledge that I’m a good person who doesn’t lie and has the capacity love and treat people kindly and with respect. You are too op - it’s good that you don’t understand his behaviour bc YOU are decent and a good parent who behaves in a proper manner so what he’s done is incomprehensible to you.

He on the other hand is trash.

He may be really happy for a while. Leopards don't change their spots and sooner or later his real character will show through. Take a deep breath and dump his sorry ass. After getting all your ducks in the row in true mum's net fashion! Is this sort of marriage you would want for your children? Is this the sort of relationship you think it's healthy to model for them? Kick him to the curb you've got this.

The only thing that is bothering me is the OW as I know that that is the end for me as I could never ever go back.

But why is that the only thing that’s bothering you? What about his awful mistreatment of you and yours dcs for ages? What about abandoning you and your newborn? Never being present at home in fact actively avoiding you and his dcs? His gross personal habits? Him not caring that he’s upsetting you and gaslighting you into thinking you’re the problem? Sneaking around and lying/cheating on you under the guise of hobbies? The massive disrespect of involving your children in his deceit?

He has treated you abominably and you should be absolutely raging at his audacity.

I understand it’s v hurtful to know there’s an OW but it’s a good thing that you say you now won’t take him back as that’s a line crossed - it’ll give you resolve in sticking to your guns and not letting him back.

I know you feel terrible now OP, but in time you will be relieved that she's taken him off your hands and out of your hair. It will take time to feel better, but I guarantee you will.

I hope you’re right

I think that was it. There is no going back for me after that whereas before I was hoping he would change, I know now it’s final

What about his awful mistreatment of you and yours dcs for ages? What about abandoning you and your newborn? Never being present at home in fact actively avoiding you and his dcs? His gross personal habits? Him not caring that he’s upsetting you and gaslighting you into thinking you’re the problem? Sneaking around and lying/cheating on you under the guise of hobbies? The massive disrespect of involving your children in his deceit?

So, you were willing to forgive and accept all that, but OW is where you draw the line? Why? Why do you value yourself (and your DC) so little that you think ALL OF THAT awful treatment is something you can work through, but the idea of him being with someone else is too much to bear?

I really don’t know. I wish I could answer that.

I think it might be something to reflect on? As it’s been your focus throughout the thread and - even now - your focus is still on him choosing someone else, what she has that you don’t, etc.

This man treated you horribly. He’s a shit father. He’s generally a bit disgusting. NONE of the things you’ve shared about him on this thread are okay. You need to find your rage. FUCK him, and FUCK the OW.

@Fastforwardayear think of it this way OP - she hasn't won a prize off you - she's managed to be fooled by a guy who cheats, puts a partner and mother of his children second and generally to all of us sounds a bit of a second rate partner and father - can I ask if he seemed a bit of a catch initially ? Was he good looking? One that your friends all fancied, sexy hobby (guitar/drums etc) ?? Sometimes it's harder to accept someone you thought was the bees knees initially is actually 'a bit of a twat' - my first husband was the towns 'handsome dude' - all the girls fancied him and it always boosted my ego I think that I was the one he 'picked' - I think it blinded me for a long time that actually he was a selfish bugger who didn't put me first -

No I wasn’t attracted to him from the start. If anything it was the other way round. I have never really been rejected before that’s all it is. I went for him for his personality and that has turned out to be shit as I was sick of going for the really good looking guys.

So sorry you are going through this OP.
I'm going to make one suggestion - find your anger, it's empowering.
Upthread you said 'how could he do this to me?'
Change that to 'how DARE he do this to me?'
You will feel differently about him and yourself.

You also need to think what sort of woman goes out with a married man or man that is in a relationship with children and secretly takes her kids out? It won’t last because she either has zero morals or he’s completely lied to her about your situation which she will find out so he’s going to need a hell of a lot of luck for this new situation to go anywhere and I would imagine then he’ll come back to you with his tail between his legs so you need to be prepared for that and ideally know your worth and slam the door in his disgusting face, you can do so much better………

I broke up with my ex (same reasons, not enough sex, he was dickhead so I didn't want it). A month later he takes a "friend" to Europe, despite never going so far as the fridge for me in our relationship.

I did feel that I was awful, less than, etc but it felt so nice knowing that whatever self esteem I woke up with, there wouldn't be someone in the house trying to make it worse. I was no longer crying over another disappointment, another moment he chose to twist the knife rather than bring me closer. I was in control of my spiritual and physical wellbeing. 6 months out of the relationship and I started to feel much more positive, I could look into the future and see where I wanted to go and that I could make it happen.

Have you spoken to your parents? Because they would be able to support you?

I am feeling a bit more positive today. I just have to accept that I might feel like this for a while.

Very quickly. Probably before I kicked him out. My thoughts were always about my kids. I couldn't let them grow up thinking his behaviour was acceptable.
I brought them up alone, he was around but equally useless.

I honestly can’t believe I had children with this man.

Has he tried to contact you since he's left?

He said my perspective changed when I had children, no I just put them first and grew up