To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

Before your updates, I thought he had another woman. You don't have sex. He's never home. It all adds up.

You don't want to leave, because he is all you have known. I can relate to that. My first husband was very much like yours. He was my first boyfriend, so the only man I had ever been with. But he was always out with his mates, and after him cheating on me (more than once), I did leave him, and we had been together for 20 years at that point.

Guess what, I am now married to someone else, and he NEVER behaves like husband number 1.

Your relationship isn't right. You know it. Just call time and move on. You can do way better than this.

How am I supposed to get over this. I trusted this man and had children with him. I feel like my heart is shattered.

You won’t today. Or tomorrow, or the next day. It’s really soon.
At the moment the ‘to-do’ list is probably overwhelming, but you need to put one foot in front of the other, get your finances sharpened up, and seek legal advice. But first, do whatever you need to do to ride the emotions. I can’t remember if you’d said you have family or friends you can call upon for support. If you do, get them round this evening for after the children have gone to bed, and have a big cry. I honestly think this will help, even just 1% x

OP read back your posts.
Look at what you have managed to get rid of , the garbage has taken its self out .
You said you thought you would be happy without him. Keep these thoughts .
What he has done isn’t a reflection on you this highlights who he is .

Keep reading back your posts . If i was the other women I wouldn’t hand around for long do that’s what he is like. .

You don't need to get over the trust issue just now as you are now separated .
Get your Counseling and you will
be a whole different person.

Happy without this cheating slob .

OP, this man farts enough for it to be comment-worthy and wakes up with blood-stained teeth. That is the reality of who he is, not to mention the rest of his appalling behaviour.

Focus on the positives, which are that he has given you beautiful children, and that the veil is being removed from your eyes and you can see him for what he truly is, and live a better life without him going forward.

OP - this isn't about you being worthless- he's just a shallow man who wanted the ego buzz of 'fresh blood' someone who thinks he's great, laughs at his jokes, makes no domestic demands etc- the minute that gets old with someone new and he realises the grass isn't greener, there is a very high chance he will repeat the pattern . I doubt very much it's you -

Look back in a years time and I wouldn't be suprised if you wonder what you saw in him - women who are with these arses often feel like this- the thought of a split is worse than the actuality . Women who have been with men who treated them well and had a great relationship and generally a very good life are the ones who struggle more to let go mentally longer term in my experience

Men like yours tend to be the ones that move on quickly because itsall about 'the present' and don't look backwards as they have no depth- so don't give him the satisfaction of feeling he's your everything - just say - yep it isn't working, let's discuss maintenance and asset splitting/ housing etc right now. Concentrate on you and your children and dont feel you have to replace him to 'get back' you really don't .

I just can’t get out of my head that she is better than me in some way. Maybe they are just better suited than we was

Please tell me how you managed to get over something like this

So he has been looking after the kids every weekend?

No I work on a Sunday and he has them whilst I work and has been taking them out with her

@Fastforwardayear she isn't better - she's just 'fresh' - time isa great healer OP - but it will make you wiser- don't let a bloke be your everything -and don't blindly trust and I say that with a heavy heart

Keep thinking what you’d tell a friend in this position . X

I loved him with everything I had

This could have been me when I split up with my ex. We didn’t have children, but he changed when he set up his own business. We lived on my wages for two years whilst he built the business up and he became more and more detached and treated me with contempt at times, despite the fact that I helped him with the business whilst working full time. When we split up, he cited my lack of support as a reason for divorce, but swore he hadn’t met anyone else. I had counselling at the time because, like you, I wanted to know what I could have done differently, and why I wasn’t enough for him. My self esteem was rock bottom and I felt completely unlovable. The counsellor was so helpful in encouraging me to realise that I am enough, I am worthy and lovable, and the split wasn’t all down to me. Incidentally, I did find out that my ex was having an affair, had been hiding money, and basically shafted me both emotionally and financially! Twat! Strangely enough, the day after we separated, my libido came back with a vengeance! (Sorry if that’s TMI!). You WILL come through this! 💕

Read this again from @Crikeyalmighty

OP - this isn't about you being worthless- he's just a shallow man who wanted the ego buzz of 'fresh blood' someone who thinks he's great, laughs at his jokes, makes no domestic demands etc- the minute that gets old with someone new and he realises the grass isn't greener, there is a very high chance he will repeat the pattern . I doubt very much it's you -
Look back in a years time and I wouldn't be suprised if you wonder what you saw in him - women who are with these arses often feel like this- the thought of a split is worse than the actuality .

@Fastforwardayear you loved a version of him, but now he's shown you who he is and do you want that version? No.

This is not about you at all, it's about him, his personality, how he's prepared to treat you and his children and what a disappointment that is.

Read back at some of the things you've said about him, you should not be thinking 'what have I done wrong' Shake your head and think 'what a let down he is'

Xx

You have to stop that, Fastforwardayear, he is in the wrong there. You are still living together, it's very confusing for your children.

This man, your husband, to whom you devoted years and born him children, is treating you so casually, it makes my blood boil.

His new woman is not better than you, how could you think that, she is just new and doesn't know him properly. Living with him would give her a completely different perspective and I doubt it would last long. Does she know about his sleep apnoea and what that is like to live with, his bloody teeth too (I couldn't work out why he had blood on his teeth, could be gum disease I suppose - that''s not nice) ?

He's an appalling waste of space and once he has cleared off, you will start to feel better. It's obvious he has been chipping away at your self respect for years but you must build up your confidence and have faith in yourself again.

Good luck.

Cry, scream, wallow, cry some more and then make a plan. Find a good therapist that can help you through this. Ducks in a row - the incredible women of mumsnet can explain what this entails better than me. Initiate the split. Do it all on your terms. Do not pander to his needs. If he's still in the house, move him into the spare room if you have one, no more cooking for him or washing his clothes etc.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Every time you feel upset just think of him farting, snoring, grunting and his bloody teeth.

Yes he has gun disease and sleep apnoea. I think I should have not gone back after he left me with a new born, hindsight and all that

I will come out of the other side of this. Stronger?

I thought he had left?

Yes. This was a few years ago and I stupidly went back.

If you haven't please sit down with him to see if you can reconcile your relationship. It does sound like you want to be with him if he changes.

I could never go back if he has been with another woman

Does everything happen for a reason?