To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

I'm so sorry OP. I've skim-read all your posts but not the replies, and honestly I could be writing this, especially all the going out doing his own thing, and the horrendous teeth. Not to mention being able to manipulate counsellors. I had exactly that experience and I felt like I was going mad. Me and you both, we're single mothers stuck in an unhappy marriage and we are worth so much more than this. Forget his 'good' features and move on and away from this terrible man.

It’s really shit. For me when the kids came along it was like he became a completely different person almost overnight

Because the grass is always greener at first until reality sets in and he starts to hate things about her and she him, things never stay rosy for long and it’s only people who really want to stay together that put the work in and stay together otherwise they just spend life drifting and sounds like he isn’t capable of putting in the work with anyone so I honestly wouldn’t worry too much, I bet in years time when you’re fine he’ll still be drifting through different relationships and never actually having anything meaningful so just make your life the best it can be now.

Are you still married to him?

@Fastforwardayear there is a saying that forbidden fruit is sweeter, but of course, as soon as it's no longer 'forbidden' that's off the menu.

One thing I would urge of you, or anyone reading this, who is in a similar position, please stop taking ownership of his faults and difficulties. You haven't engineered this situation and you won't be an impact on his future happiness or how he lives his life. He will cease to be your problem.

Look forward and look to your own happiness.

I suppose it would be good to know others who have been in this situation and what the outcome was in the end?

I suppose it would be good to know others who have been in this situation and what the outcome was in the end?

@Fastforwardayear but would it really? Some might wish they'd carried on in silence being miserable but hanging on to the status quo and others will have positively thrived. None of them will have lived your life.

I think you hit the nail on the head about talking to someone who can help build up your confidence.

I'd like to hear you absolutely confident that you are moving upwards because the way this man has treated you and what he's become, is absolutely not good enough for you. He was, but he isn't now. He's become someone you don't really recognise, he's bringing you down.

You don't want this man how he is now. You've said that yourself. Keep rereading the thread, you've had some good observations and advice. Maybe start a new thread in relationships asking how people navigating divorce and rebuilding life are managing and what they wish they'd know, or their top tips.

I just think it will be a bit shit if ends up better off after how horrible he was to me. Do I really need to even care about that though?

@Fastforwardayear I don’t think you do need to think about it. Your ‘revenge’ and satisfaction should be a life well lived, your life well lived. It’s so new and raw now though and your thoughts will be very mixed up.

I know a couple who divorced. She stayed single and very bitter, which blighted her life. He moved on and married the OW. From the outside it looked like he came off better than his ex, but it was all for show. He had to change so many things to suit his much younger wife and her children, he had to compromise his former lifestyle and hobbies. He neared retirement, she retrained and took on a brand new independent life, he got lonely. It wasn’t the exciting new life he’d foreseen for himself, but he did his best to keep up appearances.

You’re unlikely to know the truth about your ex’s real thoughts in the future, so focus on yourself.

I just felt an enormous sense of peace once he went.
Obviously the children were upset, but it spared them being exposed to his toxic behaviour for more than a few hours pw.
He has much more of a social life than me now, but I am truly happy and at peace.
I eventually met someone else, but found my own happiness long before that of you know what I mean.
Mine are older teens/ nearly adults now, and they have talked to me about the fact that they love dad and are glad they have a relationship with him, but are glad that I protected them from his toxic nonsense being in their lives 100% of the time.
I honestly believe that although the breakup is of course upsetting for the children, Equal upsetting is being witness to or subject to emotional abuse, having a mum with poor mental health because of how she is treated etc.
I think the biggest thing I felt was grieving for what I hoped my marriage might have been, but jot what it ever actually was.

My mind is just doing overtime at the minute.

I have just found out he has been taking the kids out to various things with this woman for weeks!

I am so hurt. How could he do this to me.

I was shocked when i read this! But makes sense now. He's been doing all this stuff to make you end it so he can swan off with the new woman and give it all the "oh well she ended it with me" line. Man's a complete tool and your better off rid. You go get back your happiness start a fresh.

Involving your children in the lie is the ultimate betrayal. I would honestly pack him a back, if you haven’t already, and give yourself some space and time.
I’m so sorry that men have such gutter morals. His behaviour says nothing about you, and everything about him x

I am really trying to hold myself together for the kids but it’s so hard.

OP, he is scum.
Has been for years.
Do not be surprised at all.
This is 100% who he is.
You WILL get through this and you WILL look back on this ending as a blessing.

You deserve so much better than this.

I don’t feel like this now. I feel worthless

I asked him so many times and he denied it. Why didn’t he just have the balls to tell me.

Lying is always easier in the short term than being honest about something unpleasant.

When you are able to make decisions for yourself, without airways wondering where he is, and when he'll get back, it will make things a lot easier. Trying to second guess a liar is impossible.

It’s ok, and understandable that you feel worthless right now. You’re not worthless at all. That’s a fact. He is. Future you will realise this, and wish she could give today you such a big hug. I’m sure future you would tell you, you are stronger than you realise, and how wonderful your children have grown up to become.

But allow yourself to feel all the emotions now in the moment. Maybe schedule some ‘fun’ with the children. Could you have a PJ day, movies and homemade pizza for dinner? Something that convinces them you’re having an absolute blast, but gives you the space to cry into a coffee with the movie blaring away in the background? x

How could he do this to me

Because unfortunately, he is a selfish arsehole / [insert appropriate alternatives] who prioritises his dick over anything else.

Because he’s a useless, selfish prick. As soon as you stopped being of use to him, he quit trying to pretend otherwise and did whatever he wanted.

He's been taking your kids out with the OW? Have the kids said anything or has he asked them to lie?

Bastard! Time to find your anger and chuck him out.