To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

I'm really sorry, I guessed there was someone else.

You haven't actually lost anything except the memory of someone you once knew. He hasn't been any kind of part for a long time and you and your children will actually be much happier without him. Don't let him give you any crap about wanting 50-50 either. He'll only be saying that so that he doesn't have to pay so much child maintenance.

Perhaps when the child's dad has her.
Which he'll be doing, too, soon, with his own DC, so actually less free time for him going forward, eh?

How are you doing OP?

I didn’t sleep much last night. Just kept trying to work out everything in my head. He has definitely been having an emotional affair with her and if I am honest I think that is where he has gone.

Oh op you are in my thoughts and prayers xx

Thank you xx

Let him go there. Real life will come crashing down. For all you know she is also married and her kid is with her husband, that's why she has so much free time. Focus on yourself, are you feeling slightly relieved he's gone? Stop focusing on you not feeling good enough and try and start getting angry about what an actual pig he is.xxx

He's a cowardly scumbag but he's doing you a massive favour by pissing off. Stay strong, you'll feel so much better in time to come.

He’d basically opted out of family life from the start. You’ve been a single parent anyway while he’s been out constantly socialising and cheating .
Hes a hopeless selfish partner and a bad father. Time to get angry. Get rid of him.
you will be better without him

If he’s been out doing that the whole time you and your kids together haven’t meant much to him anyway so just think of it like that instead and get angry and move on, you haven’t lost anything if he’s not been yours the whole time and there are decent men out there who will treat you a hell of a lot better so just focus on you now and moving on and try not to think about her, these things never last anyway which I can guarantee it won’t with her……

Just think, she’ll have to wake up to his bloody stained teeth and rotten breath this morning… good luck to her

That is NOT trivial. That is serious disrespect.

OP It's a difficult lesson to learn but there's a vast difference between being alone, and being lonely. I think there's nothing lonelier than being married to a man who clearly doesn't care about you.

And, if the man in your life regularly makes you feel sad, neglected, confused - then they just don't love you. The really don't.

How long did it bother you for?

The first time around it was only for a few months, probably less than 6 and I wasn’t super obsessed. It’s important to say though, it was a DV situation and I wasn’t in love anymore. I was fixated because I also have a history of ED and poor self-esteem.

The second time it happened was a very different context and I was 100% blindsided - I was looking up this person multiple times a day looking for explanations or what she had to offer because it was so out of the blue for me.

Then I saw an unfiltered video lol and it helped a lot. I also went to counselling for about 6 months. I’m not 100% over the cheating but she has no effect on my self worth anymore, it feels like a bit of a distant memory.

Everytime I have a wobble, I read through this thread and I feel grounded again. Thank you so much for all your help you lovely ladies. I can’t thank you all enough honestly x

Please do find a counsellor just for you, and make use of that hour a week to talk through things and begin to make some sense of it and re-discover the 'real you'.

Yes I do plan on doing this. Today is the most relaxed I have felt in years. Although I am sad about it all I have moments of complete liberation and am really optimistic about the future

Talking Therapies is really good for this and you can refer yourself online. There is usually a waiting list but you'll be busy creating your new life while you wait anyway!! Good luck OP!

I am handling it a lot better than I thought to be honest. I do need a therapist to get my confidence back though.

Why do men think that the grass is greener? I’m guessing sometimes it is but she also has a son, what makes him think she won’t put him first?

I doubt it's one of these grass is greener situations. He was living the life of a single man with zero responsibilities when he was with you.

You've now decided you're better than this and have dumped the prick.

He's probably not even that interested in this other woman, he's just trying to upset you.

If you can, just see him as a co-parent. Don't rise to him when he talks about other women. Grey rock technique is helpful here as mentioned before.

I know you're getting lots of support here, but do you have support in real life?

Yes I have a really good family and a good group of friends. I do find it easier to speak to people I don’t know though x

That's good.

Anonymous places like this are a help, but real life support is important too.

You'll be better off without him. It's shit now, but will get better

I suppose I sometimes question if I was the problem, will he end up much happier than me?

but then I think I would have never treated him badly, all I have done is tried to make it work. He says he likes being a relationship which says a lot as I would rather stand on a plug than get into a new one.