To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

What a great update. Firstly that you've felt empowered to dump the prick. And secondly that his first reaction was such a childish one. If he carries on acting like a tit it'll help no end with reminding yourself why you're chucking this one in the bin.
If he does fancy someone else, just pity her. He is an abusive twat and while it's great that he'll stop being your problem, it would be even better if he was no woman's problem.

Remember - all this does is tell you that you are making the right decision.
He doesn't care about you, let alone love you.
Sadly there is nothing you can do about that bit.
What you can do, however, is put you - and your children - first.

Have you told your parents or friends?
Garner as much support as you can, to keep you going in the right track.

If you go down that road it’s going to drive you crazy (I’ve been there, trust me).

The only things she “has” is not being attached to real life and the responsibilities of running a family. He’s weak and selfish.

She has a son. She is out a lot though and seems to get a lot of free time

OP, i mean tbis very kindly as you are young.

Unfortunately you are in a hazy of motherhood, exhaustion and long term horrific domestic abuse.

This is a really bad man.
You can't see it because of youth, exhaustion and confusion.

But you will.
You will come to a place and be so disbelieving of what you tolerated and were put through.

He is just abusive scum whose mask slipped once you became pregnant.

You are not the first nor last woman whose story this is.

He's a really bad man.

Don't be surprised if he becomes viciously nasty when he realises you are serious.
He might threaten you with taking the children.
I would say you have absolutely no idea how evil he is.

I would highly recommend you talk to Women's aid.
Tell your family and friends the truth.
Don't be afraid to call the police if necessary.

If you were my daughter I would want you away from him.
Let him have this other woman, be glad if he wants to go easily.
You are only wasting your life staying.
Your children will soon be an age that fully get they have a totally absent father.

You can do this.
Reach out for support and tell the truth.

He's an angry abusive man.

oh hun, that’s really shit.. I would assume he’s been half chasing her whilst you’ve been looking after your family.. what a total dick he is. I can understand you are really hurting a the moment and your mind is probably doing over time as you piece together all the lies he’s obviously been spinning but he isn’t a nice person.. sure he was to start with but aren’t they all.. since you had your little one he’s been bloody awful.. don’t think he won’t do the same to whoever else he ends up with. In time you will realise you had a lucky escape. X

You have a choice really OP. Either tell him out of 7 days a week he gets 3 evenings and 1 weekend day to do what he wants the rest he will be with you or looking after your kiss. Or leave him. If my husband didn't want to spend any time with me I would be out the door sooner than you could blink. We've bought my husband and oldest son motogp tickets and my husband keeps trying to convince me to go with them and take the kids but I know the youngest ones will be bored so I've said no... but he wants me there.

Hers, not his - wait to see how long this lasts once he gets involved.

Get counselling, invest on yourself, make it all about you and your children. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

you really thhink she fancies bleeding gums murphy!

she probably has free time when her kid gos to his dads

That doesn't sound trivial in any way. What a bastard.

He won't bother

So… your sex life isnt good
he’s out all the time
you don’t know where he is

🤔

Ah sorry didn’t read the whole thread before posting but seems like my gut feeling was correct 😞

@Fastforwardayear OP, after legging it when the baby was born, he sounds like he only came back so you could look after him as well.
He sounds exactly the type to leave only if he has another woman lined up to look after him.

Let someone else have him, he adds no value to your life!

This is not about you .
its not even about her
It has always been about him !
He trapped you for whatever needs and how he’s using her. .

As I have said before . This is the plaster being ripped off . Don’t go back the way go forward now. .
Let yourself hurt and heal and then enjoy your freedom

I think you should recognise that your fears are based on two things:

1. Your leaving him means giving up on any hopes you had for the relationship. You had an idea of what your marriage could potentially be, and walking away from that means accepting the dream is over. Perhaps this is also why you're scared of him meeting someone else, that someone else will live this 'dream' with him instead. The thing is, it doesn't exist. He is who he is and he's not going to change.

1. Change is scary. But remember it can be good too.

I think you know deep down there is no future here. You just need to be brave and rip off the plaster.

You should be grateful that the trash has taken itself out.
He sounds repulsive. He’s certainly no prize.
Now start getting your new, exciting life together, free of this farting, snoring, abusive arsehole.

Why is it the only thing that is holding me back is because I don’t want him to meet somebody else and what goes with that. Introducing the kids to a new woman etc. I have worked so hard to make them the wonderful innocent gorgeous children they are now I don’t want to fuck it up."
BUT all you are teaching your children is how to be treated by another human being, this man does not love or respect you. Be a better example snd show your children that if people don't treat you right you have to respect yourself more and move on, no matter how hard. What would you say to your children if someone treated them as you are being treated. But you (as their mum) are allow your partner to treat them badly by being an absent parent

Please do not feed into this by thinking about the woman he fancies. He's said that so you won't stick to your guns about ending it. He knows his main hold over you is insecurity and jealousy. He knows the best card to play is pitting two women against each other so you'll focus on her and not what a piece of shit he is.
Forget about her.
Sounds like she has a fair amount of freedom and a happy life.. why would she want your miserable bastard DH anyway?
You say she might get all the good side of him.. but so did you initially but as soon as shit got real he showed his true colours. He will just do the same. He's deeply self absorbed. He will only want a woman who can make him happy in the moment with none of the hard stuff. But this woman has a child.. do you think she wants some dead weight man baby on top of that?
It doesn't matter about her anyway.
Harness your anger. Stop turning on yourself and doubting yourself.
Please please please see this thru this time. He doesn't love you and that is NOT because you are unlovable it's because he is not capable of real deep love. As soon as he had to be selfless, as soon as it wasn't all fun and games he turned his back on you. Please understand it's him not you. Don't want him to want you. You don't need his shallow useless want.
Focus on your future. Your kids your friends your life. Don't give him or any of his shenanigans any more thought.
Stay strong. I'm really hoping you do. This was no life to life. I hope you go and get the future you deserve

You'll be so much happier without him. He's very controlling... be careful what you tell him and keep your cards close to your chest.

Why does he want to spend so much time away from you and his children?

But seriously I say there are men who want wives and children and men who want to be husbands and fathers.

The first should be avoided (unless you are happy with that) and it sounds like you have the first one. He wants the wife and kids with little change to his single man life

But you are there presumably. So he is saying he does not need to see you. His wife.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

You are both living completely different lives and he's been quite happy to keep it that way. He is abusive and the version of him that you love doesn't exist. That was all a ploy to hook you in.

You need to leave for your own sanity and for your children too. Give the lying, farting, snoring, bloody toothed delight away. I'd even pack his bag for him. He's vile, inside and out.

Sending you love and strength ❤️