To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

This must feel very painful. It does however demonstrate that you are doing the right thing. Either he’s just trying to make you feel bad by saying something spiteful (you’re doing the right thing) or it’s true (and you’re still doing the right thing).

He’s probably already bonking her op. Either that or she’s a figment of his imagination designed to make you jealous.

Let him move on to his next victim and you can plan your new life without having to force yourself to have sex with this gross specimen. No more having to look at his blood-filled gums that will be a result of poor oral hygiene first thing in the morning or have your arse slapped every time you pass him!

Honestly you need to try Festival Bitch and focus on YOU.

There is a script these men follow... someone will post the link soon I'm sure. He's probably been seeing her for a while but honestly IT DOESNT MATTER.

What matters is YOU and the better life YOU can have without him.

Can you get your parents or a friend to help with the practical things? Ie strongly encouraging him to leave the house!!

That should say ignore festival bitch (if she even exists)

He is going to stay at his mums. Going to have a rubbish nights sleep tonight

Great - send him off to his mums and get to work getting all his details and info. Or get a friend round to do it asap before he changes all his passwords etc. Take any money you can access before he drains the joint accounts.

You’re doing the right thing, sounds very similar to my first husband. 14 years on & I’ve never regretted our split, I did everything I could to save our relationship. We’ve both moved on, our son is fine & my ex demonstrates regularly why it never worked, he never changed & now treats a new woman like shit.

I can do this. I just need my confidence back

I'd tell* *ask him to pack some bits and move out, use what he's told you as the reason for the break up and give you some time to process what's going on and where your future lies.

Things may seem bleak now but in time when the anger and hurt seems less you'll be the one that dictates how he treats you and how much of his shite behaviour you put up with.

Just seen your last update...
May well be a rubbish night's sleep but in time relief that you no longer have him treat you as though you were always in the wrong will come through.

Not saying it's going to be an easy ride but you no longer need to answer to him, obviously he'll always be the DC father but stand tall and if he tries to manipulate you just stare and have a "who the f"£k are you" thought in mind when looking at him.

You can so do this. You are not losing someone who was a positive contribution in your life. It’s going to hurt but without this deadweight around, your confidence will soar. You wouldn’t want your child to be treated like this by a partner and you are no less deserving of someone who treats you well. Well done for telling him you’re leaving him. Let festival woman have this prize. A road to happiness is before you, and you must take it however painful the initial steps may be.

My ex changed similarly when we had kids. It was a total surprise as he had said he desperately wanted kids. We had been together almost 15 years from early 20s.

When I ended the relationship I was also worried about the future. I signed up for dating apps about 6 months later mainly due to everyone telling me i should. But actually it turned out I was far happier single. It's been several years now and I haven't even considered dating for a long time. I would consider it if the right man came along but I'm not actively looking for someone. I never expected to be so content on my own.

I had the kids the majority of the time, part time work, much more time for friends and hobbies. My life feels really balanced and far happier.

Of course I'm probably not the norm - most people go into other relationships. But i thought it was important to point out that your worth and happiness isn't defined by being coupled up. Your ex will likely move on very quickly but please take time to rebalanced and build up your confidence before dating.

He's a nasty man - stop listening to him and giving weight to his words. The less you share with him the better as he will use your vulnerability to his advantage. Make a plan for you and DC and don't share it with him. You don't need his opinion or his agreement. You don't need to have endless conversations apportioning blame. Drop the rope.

Well done OP!

You absolutely can do this. You won't be sat around waiting for him to throw you some crumbs anymore, that in itself will become a huge relief (although I recognise it won't feel that way now).

Children are hugely resilient, and you sound like a great Mum who will navigate through this with them. Soon, you can start to think about custody arrangements, use of a parenting app will be good. Although, from the sounds of him I doubt he's gonna be pushing for 50/50.

i am going to have a man evening infront of the tv with the kids. I will come back later if I need to talk, or in the morning. I just feel really anxious at the minute

You will feel anxious but that's OK. It's only a feeling. An unpleasant one but still only a feeling. Don't let it consume you or overwhelm you. Just keep going and one day, you'll wake up without that pounding heart and knot in your stomach. It might take a while and leaving someone is rarely easy but you've made the tough first step. Stop caring what he thinks, says, does and find your inner strength.

Just say... that's nice, let me know how that works out for you.

He wants to hurt you. He knows your fear. Realistically, no woman is going to up with his behaviour for any real length of time.

Anyway, you don't want him because he's a lazy, waste of space prick. Let her have him.

This is a retaliation.
It may or may not be true but he said it as a knee jerk response to what you said. It's good because it means he's not thinking strategically (otherwise why would he be giving you even more reason to leave him) he's just reacting out of emotion.
If you can be strategic you have a better chance of out-maneuvering him.

On the contrary you are going to have a good nights sleep as he won't be there!! Look for the bright bits in all this rubbish. When he's gone start doing as others have suggested and gather pertinent information and documents - keep busy! Could your Mum stop with you tonight? It might help you

In a few years time, you'll look back and think thank fuck I decided to take back control of my own happiness. I promise, I've been there.

Think of it this way.... your kids are a great age for doing fun stuff with and it's only going to get better the older they get. You will be a great little unit, the three of you, think of all the adventures you can have.
You can start doing things for you either while he has them, although I doubt he will be interested in doing that or organise a babysitter.
Your life is about to start and it's going to be amazing!!

Oh it’s coming out now. I guarantee she’s the reason for a lot of the late nights. Edit saw he’s been at festivals with her. Fun nights out with his bit on the side while you were at home looking after his kids and doing his laundry.

When I left my loser ex husband I was worried about how I’d feel when he moved on. Been together since we were teens. He moved on very quickly and honestly, I couldn’t have cared less. He was someone else’s problem!

This is a good start to your new year. Don’t take anything into it that makes you feel less than you are. You are worth more x

Hi OP. I haven't RTFT but I have read all of your posts.

Well done. He sounds like a manipulative, abusive, selfish prick. You deserve happiness.

I wouldn't be surprised if he gets a bit nasty given that his first reaction was to try and upset you, saying he fancies a woman at work (trying to make you jealous and backtrack) so just be prepared for emotional manipulation from him and stand your ground.

You've got this.

Well there’s your excuse, he’s found another woman to have an EA or actual affair with. I get that it hurts and he’s been a sly bastard to tell lies to see her.

He only told you to 'one up you' and to make you feel bad. Don't let him.
He's under-telling you, anyway. This has been a long time affair, emotional at the very minimum. He's been putting all his time and attention into her with a plan to be with her. This is on him, not you.

You will be so much happier long term without him.

I just keep comparing myself to her. What does she have that I haven’t that he wanted to be with her all the time rather than his family