Didn’t realise my mates wouldn’t take their wailing kid out…. defriend?

[Newstart2024]

I have a group of parent friends from maternity leave with my kids…
Sort of a recipe for disaster but yesterday we had planned a 3:30pm cinema trip to see Moana 2 with the kids and a 5pm pizza and express/early new years.

My parent friends have young children as do I but I left Dad and our 1 year old home, took my 4 and 6 year old who I knew would do okay through a film or if not take them out….
Sat next to a friend and her just 4 year old and for 20 minutes halfway through the film he was crying/wailing. After a few minutes I said “why don’t you take him to the lobby” there’s seats and it’s quieter there but she just kept saying to him “we can’t leave.” And Shushing him! Her husband was there and they have another older child, but one parent could go out and one parent could stay surely?
People started staring and I was cringing so hard!
Finally after 20 minutes her partner got up and took the little kid out. Not least he was clearly tired/upset and not enjoying it?!!
I didn’t realise my friend would be the be the type to sit there with a wailing child and not leave. It totally ruined the trip!

Then after in pizza express my husband and 1 year old joined us and another friends 4 year old boy is basically obsessed with her and at some point, despite us on our guard against it (which isn’t relaxing) and even his own parents warning and watching him he tries and sometimes succeeds at whacking her on the head. Which he did last night whilst I was sorting out my own kids food and dropped my guard for a second…..
I don’t know why, he always gets told off but he always does it!
AIBU just to keep it to chats and the odd at home play date?
(Granted cinema and pizza express never going to be easy but felt like those two things potentially avoidable and sitting next to a crying child was mortifying!)

Who can like people who let their kids ruin an outing for everyone else.

It was not completely OPs fault, the parents can take some of the blame. It was just a bad plan all round though expecting all the kids to sit quietly in the cinema for a few hours and then sit down nicely at a table in a restaurant too. Especially knowing not all the kids could manage it. All the adults played their part in this event.

Their kid sounds like all the neurodivergent kids of that age that I know.

They probably find it hard to have friends because of their child's behaviour. Maybe see if you can give them a pass for this occasion and stay in touch

I totally understand how frustrating this must’ve been, but I have to say that you are being a bit over the top in your reaction.

why drop your friends because of it?

Im afraid young kids are unpredictable, and despite the best parenting, will still break things/ hit other kids/cry incessantly. It’s why I’ll be glad when the early years are over ( controversial I know!)

my friends DD had to be taken out the cinema because it was too loud - ‘spoiled’ the trip for all of us as we all left and got a refund. But these things happen and we went somewhere else instead.

i don’t drop friends because I missed out on watching the latest Disney release.

As you say, it sounds like there are SEN issues at play, so maybe not meet at Pizza express? Follow your friend’s lead on venues. Stick to outdoor, or places with kids areas attached. Cinema is always a tricky one.

also be careful to judge others parenting- trying to calm him may have been the best thing for that particular child. Perhaps he usually settles down after 10 minutes? But that day he didn’t stop. It’s very easy to judge and many parents seem to think their child’s behaviour is all down to their wonderful parenting when the kid’s nature has a LOT to do with it.

So 4 adults, with 6 children between them.

But 2 of the children (the 4yr old and your baby) weren't being looked after at all from what you said - otherwise he wouldnt have gotten to hit her.

So 4 adults had 1 child each that they were caring for? sounds a bit pathetic.

I have to agree with this. It's not that hard to keep him away. You or your DH or both should be focusing on keeping an eye on the baby at all times - she could have been tucked in a corner in her high chair where he couldn't have reached her. You then keep an eye that he doesn't come round the back of you or under the table. You just have to be vigilant. Where were you changing her nappy that he had a chance to go for her face/eyes? He would have been in my periphery vision and I would have stopped him in his tracks. If that boy's parents aren't monitoring him around a baby I'd be more annoyed with them. They need to be vigilant too and say "no" and bring his hand down away from her, but there is no way he'd get within a metre of her if I was watching. I've gone through this. I had one mum say to me I know he's tall but he's only 2.5 when he kept leaving the room to go and try and poke my 8 month old in the face. I realise while he looked 4 he was 2.5 but I still don't want my child hurt. Your baby could have sat on your DH's lap with you blocking access to her.

To be fair they were in a restaurant, you get the table you are given, there may well not have been a corner they could put the high chair in. I agree between 4 parents (OP and her DH, and other kids parents) they should have been able to stop it though. But then they all came up with this daft plan anyway so it’s no surprise this happened.

Obviously all the adults are responsible for watching their children but i mean it’s not worth ending a friendship over. The op has to take some responsibility for it happening and hopefully they can stay friends and the child and parents don’t miss out.

You say obviously, but you said it was completely OPs fault which wasn’t fair. I wouldn’t end the friendship over it either though, I don’t think any of the parents did perfectly.

This.
It sounds mildly embarrassing and a bit stressful. But you went out with several under 5s so…

So I got “the gossip”. Basically there was some sort of stand off with her husband because their kid had been clingy at Christmas gatherings and she had dealt with most of it. So when it came to his meltdown in the cinema Mum was waiting it out for Dad to take him out so she could still enjoy the evening. I still think it was the shame for the rest of us then that a whole screenful of us were caught in the middle of it! He’s not neurodivergent he’s just turned 4 and can be a bit like that. He’s perfectly happy and chatty on play dates. They’re just friends I’ve met through maternity leave so not exactly seeing them all the time.

Re my kid getting hit, I had taken my middle one to the loo, the food arrived husband was handing it out as were the (other) boys own parents and whack soon as we don’t defend her she gets hit. I saw them in the shop the other day and he went for her in her pram but the Mum pulled him back in time. It’s little ones he does it to and strangely obsessed with dolls too. It’s tricky because he is clearly ND and been referred for it. I can’t put mine in a sling though she’s 1 but over 18 months and walking so not easy to sling…. But it is going to limit what we can do with them as I just can’t risk my little one getting hurt. (And when changing the nappy was doing it in our downstairs loo which doesn’t have a lock on because the kids would just play with it… had a handful of shitty nappy and he just walked in, grabbed her head and dug his nails into her face… so couldn’t exactly stop him)!

"had a handful of shitty nappy and he just walked in, grabbed her head and dug his nails into her face… so couldn’t exactly stop him)!" Sorry but that is rubbish. Downstairs loo and if you're on the floor they're usually small enough you could put your foot out to stop him opening the door or blocked him with your body. You could have dropped the nappy and stopped him. You're not looking after her. Or your DH - as soon has the boy gets anywhere near you drop what you're doing - handing out food or changing a nappy. It isn't hard. You're not being alert in my opinion. You know what this boy is like and need to be hypervigilant and stop making excuses as they seem very weak.

They sound like people to steer clear of. Chaos, low character and inflicting their personal drama on others. No thanks.

Just phase them out... their company isn't enjoyable so don't bother with them.

Some of the posters on here sound like people I'd stay clear of.

They should have taken that kid out for sure but I don't think I'd bin a friend off over that, just maybe not book a cinema trip in with them for the foreseeable.

The head whacker ditto - maybe avoid mixing your 1 yr old and him but not necessarily not be friends at all. Especially as you've said the parents try and stop him - so they aren't just allowing it

It was always going to be a potentially hard one with a load of kids of that age.

At the risk of getting MN flamed, how about if you warn the head smacker firmly that You Will Be Very Cross Indeed if he touches your baby, and that He Won't Like That At All? He needs telling.

Honestly get a grip OP, the child is 4. I would have thought you would have been more understanding. Who needs enemies when they have a friend like you eh 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's not the child, it's the parents. Letting him scream for 20 minutes in the cinema.

I had a friend that did the same thing as you. She was very judgemental and cared more about what strangers thought than the friendship. She cut me off because my son was running around screaming in a park.

IN A PARK.

If you can't be noisy in a park where can you be?

Honestly. I would arrange to meet in the soft play or park.

Defriending is too harsh.

You would have thought I had slept with her husband the way she carried on.

We get this at church - howling, wailing babies and tots who obviously want to be somewhere else. We actually do have something called a 'cry chapel' where parents can move to, if needed, but still hear the Mass. Except they don't.

It's very difficult to think Godly thoughts when you want to wring someone's neck!

You sound like you're not cut out to be a parent at all! FFS I hope you don't have any children or any pets for that matter.

@BettyBardMacDonald I understand your perspective but I kind of expect it to be noisy if I’m in a kids film so I wouldn’t be surprised by screaming at all but maybe that’s just me.

I totally understand what you mean OP. I have a group of ex maternity leave friends, we have kids the same age and then a few of us have younger siblings. We went out to a Christmas event a few weeks ago (similar to a cinema trip) with the older kids and to be honest a few of them were a nightmare which is fine but the mums weren’t doing anything to stop them doing things that at the beginning of the show we had been told they couldn’t do ie stay off of the stage, etc, it really is embarrassing when someone who works there has to get up to tell them and everyone knows they’re from your group. My son is far from perfect but I explained what he couldn’t do before the show started and kept an eye on him throughout as did several of the other mums in the group.

Going forward I’ll pick and choose which events we attend with the group. Soft plays/days out to the park, etc are fine….trips to the theatre, cinema, etc are a no no for the time being, we’ll try again another time when the kids are older.

And also… people used to know it was rude and take a disruptive child out. Seems less and less the case now!

I don't know about that. The way my dad talks about going to the cinema as a kid, it was bedlam; pushing and shoving, throwing, and screaming so that noone could hear the film at all. No parents accompanied in those days though, so maybe that's the answer.

I think expecting a 4 year old to sit in total silence through a hour and something screening is the unreasonable bit personally. Leave it until they're quite a bit older if you're hoping for more mature behaviour.