Didn’t realise my mates wouldn’t take their wailing kid out…. defriend?

[Newstart2024]

I have a group of parent friends from maternity leave with my kids…
Sort of a recipe for disaster but yesterday we had planned a 3:30pm cinema trip to see Moana 2 with the kids and a 5pm pizza and express/early new years.

My parent friends have young children as do I but I left Dad and our 1 year old home, took my 4 and 6 year old who I knew would do okay through a film or if not take them out….
Sat next to a friend and her just 4 year old and for 20 minutes halfway through the film he was crying/wailing. After a few minutes I said “why don’t you take him to the lobby” there’s seats and it’s quieter there but she just kept saying to him “we can’t leave.” And Shushing him! Her husband was there and they have another older child, but one parent could go out and one parent could stay surely?
People started staring and I was cringing so hard!
Finally after 20 minutes her partner got up and took the little kid out. Not least he was clearly tired/upset and not enjoying it?!!
I didn’t realise my friend would be the be the type to sit there with a wailing child and not leave. It totally ruined the trip!

Then after in pizza express my husband and 1 year old joined us and another friends 4 year old boy is basically obsessed with her and at some point, despite us on our guard against it (which isn’t relaxing) and even his own parents warning and watching him he tries and sometimes succeeds at whacking her on the head. Which he did last night whilst I was sorting out my own kids food and dropped my guard for a second…..
I don’t know why, he always gets told off but he always does it!
AIBU just to keep it to chats and the odd at home play date?
(Granted cinema and pizza express never going to be easy but felt like those two things potentially avoidable and sitting next to a crying child was mortifying!)

What is stopping you?

I see and know some parents that think their kids are perfect. The word no is never said to them. They are never corrected. The parents seem to think it's fine that they are let cry at the cinema or in public and never take them out of this event. They hit other kids or are always crying when they don't get their way. They are fighting with other kid's or are mean to other kids always.
One of my friends has a young son with autism and they are corrected if they misbehave. At times they get overwhelmed and the parents will take them away from the situation when this happens. My friends meanwhile know a couple with a child of the same age. This child is waiting for a diagnosis but is a nightmare. He hits other kids, is mean to them and crys when he does not get his way. The parents in his class won't have him at their kids birthdays because of his behaviour and the parents letting him away with this. They also have a problem keeping a babysitter because of his behaviour and him hitting them.

My friend child meanwhile has plenty of friends and is invited to all the other birthday parties.
I told my friend to put a bit of distance between them and these parents and child because of the child's behaviour and the parents doing nothing about it. The reality is that be ignoring the issues they are just making him worse. I don't want my friends child losing friends because they continue to invite this child.

The outing wasn't the problem, it was other parents allowing bratty behaviour. You seem very eager to put the blame on OP

When the mum said she couldn’t leave, what did she mean by that? Sounds like some rigidity on her part.

I wonder why they 'couldn't' take the crying child out of the cinema (until they could)—didn't want to lose out on the money spent on the tickets?

But anyway, of course it's not unreasonable to adjust your personal rules for where to se your friends. Some people (and their children) are fine for some outings, but miserable on others. If they're no longer fun under any circumstances, cut back on them altogether! Maybe give them a break and see if they're any better after they've grown out of that particular phase.

Have we read different thread? OP said she was surprised by how permissive her friends were and how the allowed poor behaviour. I wouldn't ditch the friends but I would not do kids outings no more

The hard things is if she leaves it's teaching the kid that if he cries he gets what he wants. DS is older now so if we want to see a kids film we book a late showing as I expect the earlier ones to be full of fidgety young kids. I would just let it go and maybe meet up at soft play or similar in future.

With so many young children this is normal. Especially when they’re out of routine over Christmas and New Year.

She is being kind to her baby who was hit on the head, and not for the first time it seems. Hope OP find some kinder friends who would consider not allowing their children to hurt the baby

No not at all teaching him he get what he wants… it’s absolutely just being considerate to others to leave.
He was mostly crying because it was too loud for him…plus he seemed tired… he was not being a brat at all, he was being an overwhelmed child and his parents should have been attentive to it and considerate of others.

I wish I’d ditched my Bad Parent mates quicker. It only ends in disaster if you persist in spending time with people who don’t have a handle on their kids and let them be badly behaved so YANBU

I think because we had a meal booked after so that’s when I said “you could take him outside to the lobby bit.” But then we had another 15 minutes of crying anyway.

Maybe she thought if they left they’d have to go home and miss the meal?! In the end he was fine in the lobby waiting for us to come out it was much quieter there.

I'd check in with the mum of the wailing child. Sounds like she's had a tough time . She might need some support from you

Avoid at all costs.

That's the thing with maternity leave friends - the only thing you have in common is that your babies were born at the same time. If you want to keep meeting up, then do, but accept that it will always be a bit chaotic as you all have different parenting styles. Otherwise, you can just hang out with the ones in the group that you have a bit more in common with. No one is forcing you to go to full group meet ups if you no longer enjoy them. But if the older kids will get on then you may just have to suck it up, keep a closer eye on your baby, and accept that it's never going to be the most fun afternoon of the year for you.

Yes I’ll ask the parents how I can better support their self inflicted bad parenting experiences. 🙄

I wouldn't want to be around people like that. I'd avoid socialising again in a public setting. Assuming you actually like these people I'd just keep it to home visits. Otherwise bin off if you don't actually enjoy their company. Life's too short.

I think on balance, I’d cut the cinema parents some slack. They were likely overwhelmed themselves. Not saying you should remain friends, just put yourself in their shoes a bit.
I used to take my daughter to the cinema with mum friends when she was little and way before she got an autism diagnosis. She would very much want to see the film and be with her friends, but she would have a terrible time just prior to the film and all through the first half. When you’re the only mum with a child like that in a group, you’re overwhelmed yourself and your mind is whirring with all sorts of different permutations e.g. if I stay a bit longer, she’ll settle. If I take her out now, will it reset her or will it mean she takes longer to settle?
I remember having to leave situations I’d invested time and money into and feeling so irritated by the waste. Now I know what she was suffering, I’d be so much more understanding but I didn’t know what was going on and just muddled through.
I think 20 mins straight wailing is obv. way too much - I’d have taken DD out after a couple of minutes at most, but that said, some people’s perception of what’s acceptable over a period of time is different and if you as the parent are overwhelmed and experiencing decision paralysis due to this, the sense of time may be lost.

I think this is right. You can't value them all that much if a day out not going well for a four year old is enough to make you jump ship. If he does eventually have SEND and you ditch them while they are going through the shit of diagnosis, getting support and appropriate (and it is very, very stressful) it really doesn't make you look good.

In your friend's situation I would have took my child out though, as I have done many times.

If their child is on a diagnostic pathway chances are they have SEND and it is not the right environment for the child, but I bet that nobody has suggested or tried to signpost these parents to the right information. They have probably been advised to ignore undesirable behaviour, but this won't always work with an overwhelmed SEN child. They need to leave the situation. I have been through it myself, and you are just left to work these different parent techniques out, and even then, the techniques don't necessarily work.

I would probably avoid going out with busier places with your friend's child. Your friend might notice a difference in behaviour and realise what environments suit her son or not.

This

More importantly put a stop to your baby being whacked. I'd be honest and say until it stops we will be on a break. Making excuses to leave early doesn't solve the problem. Mind you child's parents may not do anything to stop it continuing but you will have stood up for your child.

I know a few similar families. They continue to blame all the other children for their children's really poor behaviour and choices. Baffling and infuriating.

This is unnecessarily dickish.
Really diminishes your argument about being unhappy with other people acting rudely.

Defriend? Have you been hoping to shed them for a while?

I don't think this child's behaviour is a reason to defriend. That would be hugely over the top.

Just don't see them with kids or in other settings.

Why would you want to say you don't want to be friends anymore over this?