Didn’t realise my mates wouldn’t take their wailing kid out…. defriend?

[Newstart2024]

I have a group of parent friends from maternity leave with my kids…
Sort of a recipe for disaster but yesterday we had planned a 3:30pm cinema trip to see Moana 2 with the kids and a 5pm pizza and express/early new years.

My parent friends have young children as do I but I left Dad and our 1 year old home, took my 4 and 6 year old who I knew would do okay through a film or if not take them out….
Sat next to a friend and her just 4 year old and for 20 minutes halfway through the film he was crying/wailing. After a few minutes I said “why don’t you take him to the lobby” there’s seats and it’s quieter there but she just kept saying to him “we can’t leave.” And Shushing him! Her husband was there and they have another older child, but one parent could go out and one parent could stay surely?
People started staring and I was cringing so hard!
Finally after 20 minutes her partner got up and took the little kid out. Not least he was clearly tired/upset and not enjoying it?!!
I didn’t realise my friend would be the be the type to sit there with a wailing child and not leave. It totally ruined the trip!

Then after in pizza express my husband and 1 year old joined us and another friends 4 year old boy is basically obsessed with her and at some point, despite us on our guard against it (which isn’t relaxing) and even his own parents warning and watching him he tries and sometimes succeeds at whacking her on the head. Which he did last night whilst I was sorting out my own kids food and dropped my guard for a second…..
I don’t know why, he always gets told off but he always does it!
AIBU just to keep it to chats and the odd at home play date?
(Granted cinema and pizza express never going to be easy but felt like those two things potentially avoidable and sitting next to a crying child was mortifying!)

I don't think they need a "friend" who is going to judge everything they do, and make a post on Mumsnet about them being "that type" of parents.
So yeah you're probably better off leaving them alone. I'm sure you can find other perfect parents elsewhere with their perfect kids who never do anything out of line.

That was about the kid in the cinema. The hitting kid she said ‘his own parents warning and watching him’ and that he does get told off for it. This has happened before and OP new the risk, her and the kids parents were trying but dealing with that many kids in a restaurant is hard at the best of times. The restaurant was clearly a bad idea. I wouldn’t do outings like this anymore either

I can imagine finding it frustrating in the cinema - and feeling annoyed by their lack of awareness of the impact on other people. But ‘mortifying’ says more about you than it does about them - finding yourself paralysingly embarrassed after this one incident with your friend suggests there is perhaps more to this story? Or you are extremely sensitive to how strangers perceive you?

Sounds hard OP, but those parents would have been in a tricky situation. If they take the child out, what next? Either the whole family has to go home, or they try (and probably fail) to get their little one back in the cinema.

I'm sure your friend was twice as embarrassed as you, and will feel markedly worse if you now start declining similar invites.

The whacking boy is fine in front of a film and wasn’t the one crying but he won’t sit at a meal he just gets up around our table though. Luckily he doesn’t run off.

Then that is down to bad parenting too. Funny how he could avoid his whacking urges until 3 adults were looking elsewhere, that's not nd, that's calculated. Time to put your baby first, head injuries can be life changing.

Agree with others though, don't go to places that require decent parenting with them, ie the park, if you still like them after this, but it might be time to move on and find others with similar views to yourself.

The parents of the screaming child should've taken him out earlier, it's strange that they waited 20 mins.

Regarding the hitting child, if you felt that it was avoidable then how come you, your DH or the child's parents failed to stop it happening? It's unfair to solely blame the child's parents if there's a potential reason for his behaviour, it always happens and you/DH were also present and knew the child would be there. For this child/family if you can't arrange a playdate without your baby present then you simply can't meet up with them.

Defriending is a bit extreme, unless you just aren't interested in meeting up with them. Sounds like the day was stressful and annoying for all involved.

The trouble with reacting like this, is you better hope and pray your child never plays up or you will look ridiculous. Smug parenting is not nice. I can't believe so many people are defending your unsupportive nasty attitude. I suppose it just sums up the mood of the times.

Again it’s not about the kid having a meltdown it’s about subjecting a screening full of other people to it. Not sure how that’s smug parenting… my kids have meltdowns too of course.

There were seats in the lobby which is where they ended up going, then when he calmed down they stood by the doors to watch the end of the film. Perfectly feasible to do this 15 minutes before hand.

So when are you going to bring this up with your friend then?

It was a stressful evening overall, we only see these friends for our kids so I think we’ll stick to more low key get togethers like play dates.
Talking to husband today though we’ll basically have to stop seeing the family with the whacking 4 year old, I feel very sorry for families with ND kids becoming isolated but unfortunately need to prioritize my 1 year old from being hurt.

That's fine, but people do notice that sort of attitude though, even parents with no SEN kids.

Yes we've become isolated as a SEN family (my child isn't even aggressive, just vocally stims and has LD too). We have found it has sorted the sanctimonious dicks from the decent, understanding people, so that is an advantage.

I’d be interested to know what you’d suggest though? We’ve had everything from this little boy digging his nails into her face whilst I was changing my little ones nappy to now basically whacking her on the head. People say he must know because he only does it when our backs are turned but that’s not true he tries a lot but we’re there to stop him. I absolutely don’t think it’s bad behaviour or ill intent, I’m certain it’s ND and it seems to be small kids and babies he obsesses over.

He seems to try and go for her eyes and I’m really worried he’s going to injure. So what do I do? His own parents on guard to it too and acknowledge it’s a problem but we can’t seem to curb it. Only sometimes if we’re outside his focus isn’t as much on her.

I’d feel terrible if something happened to her eyesight.
So I’m asking what’s the better solution here given I do worry about how to might feel for the family?

What would you rather? His parents have hurt feelings or your baby has a hurt eye?

You need to tell them to keep their child away from your baby or you won't be able to socialise any more.

I'm on the fence about the cinema parents. The hitting 4 year old though - seriously, keep your baby away from him, as in not meeting up any more, not just trying to keep an eye on him when you do meet.

I definitely wouldn't end a friendship because of someone's child behaving badly, but I would avoid going to the cinema, restaurants etc until they are older. At 4 a child should be able to understand that you sit quietly in a cinema and how to behave in a restaurant.

It's up to you whether you decide not to be friends any more. But a solution would be to only go to activities that don't require sitting and keeping quiet.

Children mature at different ages. Some children can sit happily in a cinema from a very young age, others can't until they're much older.

If after every event you're stressed and upset, there's no point in continuing to socialise with this family. In that case, just let it fade away. No need for dramatics. But if you can cope with soft play and activities that allow kids to run, scream and be boisterous just stick with those type of things with them.

Maybe not end the friendship, but find a way of keeping the children apart. Is it possible to see the friend separate from the son? The child might mature eventually or improve - once you have ended the friendship you can't really go back.

Sadly you have to be very vigilant with some SEN kids. I follow my son everywhere and he isn't particularly aggressive to other kids (he is to us at times and doesn't realise it's not appropriate, so we don't take the risk). I think you are better off chatting to your friend about this and being honest. Ask her if there are better places you can go where her son doesn't become dysregulated and hit out.

I do feel for them as your world gets incredibly small with lots of places you can't go to. I think you are better off going for walks or to quieter parks, rather than busy places. Can you just pop around theirs where the place is more familiar to their son? It's crap, but unfortunately having additional needs is restrictive a lot of the time when the kids are young.

You carry on looking out for your defenseless baby, my patience and understanding ends when my baby's safety is in question. I have dropped friends with children hitting/biting choking my daughter. One boy was 4, another 6. I might be called sanctimonious dick on Mumsnet but at least I don't have to endure the company of their unruly children. Now my daughter is 11 and she's in charge of who's invited anyway

Agree. I ended a friendship as her kids used to attack my older child, and when he cried (he was only little), she'd have a go at him and tell him he was a baby. The final straw was when my middle one was picked up and dropped by one of them. I told them to leave him alone as he could sit but not stand at this point, and they did it anyway, and he banged his head. Friendship finished.

Certain kids only cope well in certain situations.
Least you know now that with this friend - cinema and resturants are out.

The situation with the hitting 4 year old in the restaurant was easy to avoid. It was completely your fault for letting it happen, you said you knew he would do it given a chance, you gave him a chance.
the 4 year old that hits needed to be sat with an adult and away from the baby. It was a sit down meal so if you wanted to still see them for the short term, I’d just make it short visit somewhere like a park where you can keep the baby in pram or sling.

I think the whole cinema and pizza outing sounds suited to older children. At that age we found it more comfortable being in a soft play, the ones near us served pretty nice food and coffees.

So I don't think you need to defriend them, but I think the outings should be suited to their age a bit more. I've known some kids via school friends over the years not enjoying the cinema until closer to age 10 for instance.

Think you just have to accept that other kids are different and differently parented and enjoy the chaos.

This attitude - and all the handwringing that the parents need support and kindness - is why childfree events are on the rise.

If her child did have a meltdown in a cinema, she'd take him out so that he didn't ruin the experience for everyone else.