Didn’t realise my mates wouldn’t take their wailing kid out…. defriend?

[Newstart2024]

I have a group of parent friends from maternity leave with my kids…
Sort of a recipe for disaster but yesterday we had planned a 3:30pm cinema trip to see Moana 2 with the kids and a 5pm pizza and express/early new years.

My parent friends have young children as do I but I left Dad and our 1 year old home, took my 4 and 6 year old who I knew would do okay through a film or if not take them out….
Sat next to a friend and her just 4 year old and for 20 minutes halfway through the film he was crying/wailing. After a few minutes I said “why don’t you take him to the lobby” there’s seats and it’s quieter there but she just kept saying to him “we can’t leave.” And Shushing him! Her husband was there and they have another older child, but one parent could go out and one parent could stay surely?
People started staring and I was cringing so hard!
Finally after 20 minutes her partner got up and took the little kid out. Not least he was clearly tired/upset and not enjoying it?!!
I didn’t realise my friend would be the be the type to sit there with a wailing child and not leave. It totally ruined the trip!

Then after in pizza express my husband and 1 year old joined us and another friends 4 year old boy is basically obsessed with her and at some point, despite us on our guard against it (which isn’t relaxing) and even his own parents warning and watching him he tries and sometimes succeeds at whacking her on the head. Which he did last night whilst I was sorting out my own kids food and dropped my guard for a second…..
I don’t know why, he always gets told off but he always does it!
AIBU just to keep it to chats and the odd at home play date?
(Granted cinema and pizza express never going to be easy but felt like those two things potentially avoidable and sitting next to a crying child was mortifying!)

Absolute revelation to me that his parents were the type to ruin 20 minutes of a cinema screening with a wailing kid.

This is so dramatic. It’s Moana 2. 90% of kids screenings are noisy.

Sympathetic?? He whacks your kid on the head!!

You can go to relaxed performances at the cinema, you can’t hear much of the film though 😆

I don’t think sitting in a seat in silence for an hour + is an ideal activity for young children.. and a restaurant is the same setting really but with more chaos - I think cinema is ridiculous idea, restaurant less so but couldn’t the kids have just been sat separately? He shouldn’t have access to her head and certainly not at a restaurant. Was he not sat down? And not next to your child seeing as he is much older and boisterous. If you see them again, take some stickers and when he starts being bored, give them to him and make him sit down and engage in something for a while until the situation moves on. Sounds like crap parenting from your friends and just general overwhelm all round!

Defriend?? That's a bit weird. Just adjust your outings for a bit if you genuinely like them. Make practical changes to avoid head bashing and cinema moments perhaps. If she is a genuine friend and you are you can ask why she didn't just leave out of interest and an attempt to better understand? But 'defriending' is odd - friendship isn't usually like an item you buy and then get refunded when it's not perfect as it were.

If they were attracting that much attention then it sounds like this kid's behaviour was outside the range of normal (and normal behaviour at the cinema for both kids and adults is generally pretty bad, which is why I don't go anymore).

So why did neither you or your dh step outside with the baby? Could it be for similar reasons as your df not leaving the cinema?

Why should they take the baby out? The baby wasn’t the problem, the child doing the whacking was.

People used to be mortified if their parenting (or lack thereof) meant that their child’s behaviour had an impact on other people in a public place. Shame had a very important purpose - it meant we all considered other people’s feelings as well as our own and our children’s. ‘Defriending’ is a new term, but it was in fact very common to distance yourself from people with antisocial behaviour. In fact, once a few people had done it, that antisocial behaviour was usually changed. This is why we talk about the ‘culture of entitlement’ - because it is genuinely new.

Whatever issues he has, a four-year-old is capable of knowing he mustn’t hit babies (or any other children). His parents need to do something more drastic to stop him, e.g. warning him beforehand that if he does it he will be taken home straight away, and then actually do that.

Are we reading the same thread.

Goodness I would say that wasn't a super enjoyable experience for you or your children.
I was discussing this very thing at work with a colleague recently we are both late 50s. My colleague was born and brought up in London me in a rural and tiny village, neither of us were taken to the cinema or to a restaurant by our parents until we were teens!
I guess our parents had their reasons for keeping us under house arrest!
I didn't have pizza until I was 16! I have made up for it since.

I think however much you like female friends it’s the parenting styles that sort the wheat from the chaff.

I found it infuriating to be around those indulgent dopes who let their kids create havoc, so I ended up gravitating toward women I might not necessarily have been close to, but whose children were well behaved and we could all enjoy a relatively civilised and happy day out together.

So yes, quietly defriend.

Do you have absolutely no concept of the fact some children are neurodiverse and can’t control their behaviour at 4?

Also, they did take the 4 year old out didn't they? Just not quickly enough for your liking. They tried some other things with him first, which for all you know might have worked with him at other times. And he was told off for hitting your daughter. So it's not like they're not parenting him. Just not to your exact specification and timeframe, which you presumably haven't communicated to them either.

I think you would be unreasonable to not be friends with them anymore, as it sounds like they are doing their best with him.

But yeah, maybe keep it some things that are more likely to be successful for the 4 year old.

I've had to drag my 4 year old around lots of family things this Christmas that weren't suitable for her, and deal with the looks and tutting from my family while occasionally she complained or cried. I had suggested other plans or not coming but they wouldn't hear of it. So we went and the predictable things happened and I dealt with it as best I could.

Perhaps they value your friendship and wanted to be involved, maybe they just misjudged this one slightly thinking he'd like it. I think you'd be unreasonable to significantly cool a friendship over this.

I think you've got to forgive this and avoid a similar meet next time.

Sometimes we can have friends for different reasons and their personalities can be wildly different from eachother. I would reflect what you value in that friendship despite the chaos and the refusal to leave the cinema.

Perhaps they make you laugh or maybe they are just someone you'd rather meet up with 1:1 for a drink...some friends are great for the life and soul of the party but not there for you when you're really in need...and vice/versa...none are necessarily more or less valuable but collectively they make up a 'whole' in a friendship toolbox.

Her behaviour was annoying and stubborn and maybe she revealed a side you don't like but equally people aren't always who they present in the moment but are on a journey. It's possible she reflected and felt next time she would take the child out.

Just quietly file away as something to avoid next time and to consider a different day or or to meet the mums sans kids. This time of year is hard...lots of expectations, weather shite, pent up kids, exhausted parents, patience waining...don't give yourself or them a hard time.

The original post is extremely outing - she will know who she is if she reads this!

"Defriending" might be a dramatic choice of word but it's entered our lexicon thanks to social media.

Quietly putting some distance between yourself and the parents of badly behaved children is not a new thing though. Even back in the early 90s we all knew who the naughty children were and why they didn't get invited to things.

What has changed is that society has become far more accepting of bad behaviour and more inclined to put it down to neuro diversity.

Nope, I wouldn't enjoy that chaos.
Annoying kids are a product of poor parenting, it's as simple as that.

How did he get access to your baby in a seated restaurant? I would just sit far away and baby out of reach

I agree with this. why be so brittle? The kids are a nightmare but they won't always be kids.

It's possible to modify how you interact with people without going to extremes.

Absolute revelation to me that his parents were the type to ruin 20 minutes of a cinema screening with a wailing kid. I just can’t relate to the rudeness of it when it’s easy enough for one of them to take him out

They didn’t parent brilliantly, no. I would have found it irritating. But you are talking about this as if it were on a par with theft or cheating or something. They were probably stressed and felt guilty and under pressure and didn’t think it through properly.

Have you never made a mistake?

Your reaction is totally disproportionate and if you cut everyone who has a parenting off day out of your life you will have no friends left.

Have to admit there’s nothing more annoying in a cinema than one parent ruining everyone else’s enjoyment by not parenting. It’s so selfish towards everyone else who is having their enjoyment ruined. I’d judge on that alone. She should have just taken the child outside. I’ve actually walked out of cinemas over this before.

Agree...we make weird irrational decisions when we're stressed. This time of year is hard work for parents. It's perfectly possible that she reflected and thought next time she would take said wailing child out. We are all on a journey.

Well not me or the other say 20 people who got fed up and kept staring at us.
my friend knew what was up or she wouldn’t be saying to him “sorry we can’t leave” knowing full well she or her partner could have done. A few minutes fine but if you can’t settle a crying child you don’t say “tough because we’re staying” at their expense and everyone nearby trying to watch a film?

Hopefully she might be a little more aware the entire cinema wasn’t just there for her enjoyment and that there were other people there too.