To break up with him for love hearting a bunch of women's pictures?

[Kthnxbye11]

We've been together less than 6 months so it's still all very new but I had a gut feeling that I've been trying to push down for a few weeks which came to a head last night.

It came to my attention he was 'liking' half naked pictures of women on instagram, both onlyfans creators and 'regular' women. I noticed but didn't say anything at the time. One of these women is the one that has been in the media lately for sleeping with 100 men in a day 😔 big red flag right?

Now over the past week or so whenever he posted a Facebook status he'd get quite a bit of engagement from women I'd never heard him mention in a friend / knowing them context. Curiosity (or maybe insecurity) got the better of me and I did click to see who they was.

He has been 'love heart' reacting a load of their pictures, continuously. Normal selfies, bikini pictures, lingerie. Everything.

It feels like a deal breaker for me as that's everything I dislike about mens behaviour on social media.

My children's father was a serial cheat and ever since leaving him I've told myself I would be zero tolerance about anything like this and would leave at the first sign of wandering eyes.

I sent him a WhatsApp message before I went to bed saying I have seen how he uses social media and it makes him look like a creep, I'm ending things here.

He has read it this morning but hasn't replied yet. I fully expect he will contact me at some point today to downplay it and tell me I'm over reacting.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? Have I done the right thing or is it me who is coming across badly here?

FWIW I know for a fact he would be upset if the shoe were on the other foot.

Feeling sad and a bit confused this morning and would benefit from some MN wisdom 😔

@MonkeyVsBunny they really don’t. DH doesn’t have SM, partly because he doesn’t see the appeal of looking at what other people are doing. If you and your mates are very focused on what other people look like and think, you may think it’s normal.

I used to use a pool regularly, confident that everyone there was busy enjoying the sun and water, hanging out with neighbours and spending time with their kids. I stopped going after a friend’s husband watched a woman walk past and said ‘phwoar, look at that!’. Totally ruined it. Other people don’t exist for you to mentally rank them as they pass.

😂 No, every man on the planet does not do this. YOU do this and other select sleazy men. If you’re upset at being in that group, then do better. If you don’t care, then accept that it’s something unique to sleazy men and that it’s your choice to be one of them.

fuck off with that shit.

Just because you publicly like the hot pictures on social media, doesn't mean that all men do.

Frankly it's tacky and sexist

@MonkeyVsBunny

don’t over react. He’s not cheating on you it’s the same as seeing a women in the street and mentally noting “hot”.

I would find it so unbelievably unattractive not because I would be jealous or worried he's 'cheating' but because it's embarrassing for a grown man to be publicly liking pictures of tits etc on Instagram.

I'd be especially turned off by a man liking pictures of a woman who recently slept with 100 men in a day to gain publicity. The idea of 100 men lining up to have sex with the same women one after the other is so disgusting to most women that they would question the moral compass of a bloke who found it attractive.

It's not always down to jealous if a woman finds this behaviour a red flag or a relationship ender. Sometimes it's just because we think it's embarrassing and makes us cringe so much we get the ick and can't get past it.

@MonkeyVsBunny

don’t over react. He’s not cheating on you it’s the same as seeing a women in the street and mentally noting “hot”.

It's not the same at all.

The equivalent to him publicly liking something on social media would be him saying out loud "hot" so other people, including OP, could hear it.

The online equivalent to mentally noting something in person is still mentally noting something - a private reaction.

Not a public one, which is what a social media like is.

Well done op. The more women who don't put up with this shit any more, hopefully the less men will behave so entitled.

How have we got to the stage that rather than be embarrassed and ashamed that they've been caught looking at porn (I know different ti the op so slight tangent) men have twisted it to shaming the girl that they're not 'cool girl' enough to allow it!

It's not a shit start to the year, it's a fabulous one. Starting the year afresh and not wasting any more time - that's a great thing.

Ugh, is he 12? Good for you OP, he sounds like a creep.

What do you know? A man has appeared to explain that this kind of thing is normal. No it isn't. I get that photos of women appear on social media and you may well look, but I absolutely disagree that it's a normal or common thing to interact, thus generating more of the same. I find the idea of a man actively 'liking' a photo of a scantily clad stranger creepy and a bit pathetic. This kind of shit shouldn't be normalised.

You have absolutely done the right thing OP.

Oh look, the obligatory “male here” post mansplaining how we should accept this, and that all men do it.

This happened on every post like this on here these days. In fact, you post anything remotely sexual and a man will come along and post some gaslighting BS informing us our boundaries are wrong 🙄

I wish Mumsnet would have a space on here only women can post

As a few PPs have noted, walking down the street and mentally noting 'she's hot' is not the equivalent of putting love hearts on FB posts. The actual equivalent would be scrolling down your FB feed and mentally noting 'she's hot'.

I think the text ending the relationship is a great way to explicitly state OP's boundaries, but I suspect you think she should have tried to train him by setting out her expectations so he can pretend to abide by them (except when his balls do the thinking?)

"Courtesy to the next gf" .

Every bloke I know who does this is either thick or pretty sleazy - usually both combined-

You broke up over text message and you explained your boundaries over a text?

how old are you? 18?

that’s not how grown ups conduct relationships - they clearly and proudly talk about what they need in a relationship, setting boundaries (this one is totally fair) and gauging how the other person responds.

then you get to ask their boundaries and wants and needs in a relationship and you build a synthesis of those needs together - or decide you can’t make it work as you are too far apart and end the relationship.

OP - I know I’ll get shot over this and frankly I’m only reading your replies so “hi” to everyone else quoting me - but - you don’t sound as if you know how to communicate in a relationship at all. You can’t expect people to read your mind and you absolutely cannot garden a relationship over text messages. You need to be able to look someone in the eye and explain what your boundaries are. Not dump them over text and then block them that’s childish.

He knew what my boundaries are as far as this goes as when his sister saw her husband doing exactly the same thing I made it clear that I would find it disrespectful and embarrassing.

I don't think I need to coach him on how to behave on the Internet. If he's the type of person who ogles over traumatised women who sleep with 100 men in a day (and let's have it right, anybody doing that has clearly got a lot of issues) then that's who he is and I don't want him.

Add into the mix the women on Facebook whom he may well know in person for all I know.. yeah no thanks.

Edited to add -

Perhaps I do come across as immature for ending a relationship over text and blocking him, that's fine. I'm coming from a place of having dealt with one cheating man and having absolutely no inclination to deal with another. What could he possibly say that would change his moral compass? Nothing.

I'm protecting my peace.

And they keep company with other thick sleazy men, hence the 'every man does it.'

Quite the opposite - it’s a very mature decision

Some boundaries should not require setting and should automatically be the bare minimum. This is one of them.

You’re acting immaturely. If you want to have successful, honest, deep connections in relationships in the future you need to be able to clearly articulate your needs and boundaries, face to face with someone, even if it’s to end it. You cannot make assumptions about expectations or behaviour or boundaries.

wish you the best of luck with the next run around the block.

Haha, you are actually really funny. You really can't talk about how to behave maturely in a relationship since you think liking photos of scantily clad strangers on the internet is normal! As myself, and other posters have pointed out, it is not at all normal for nice, respectful men despite what your circle of friends might think!

What the OP has done is actually measured and sensible in order to minimise personal angst given the situation and the fact she had already made clear her boundaries. This man does not deserve the time or energy being sat down and having the obvious explained to him face to face.

@MonkeyVsBunny

that’s not how grown ups conduct relationships - they clearly and proudly talk about what they need in a relationship, setting boundaries (this one is totally fair) and gauging how the other person responds.

You saying other people aren't behaving like grown ups is a bit rich when you yourself like 'hot' pics on Instagram (as you've said 'every man on the planet does') tbh...

Bollox.
She owes him nothing. He knew the boundary. He didn’t observe it. What makes you think she should take her time and energy to train him up? That’s his own responsibility.

You sound entitled, rather than mature.

Oh. Obligatory bloke wading in deliberately ignores everyone who has quoted him just in case they disagree with him. Shocker. You sound absolutely insufferable @MonkeyVsBunny. Not to mention arrogant.

@MonkeyVsBunny

If you want to have successful, honest, deep connections in relationships in the future you need to be able to clearly articulate your needs and boundaries, face to face with someone, even if it’s to end it. You cannot make assumptions about expectations or behaviour or boundaries.

Could you not be arsed to read OP's posts?

She did exactly what you suggested, before this happened.

A couple of months ago, before I started seeing all of this, the topic of men doing this on social media actually came up. A female relative of his was dealing with more or less exactly the same thing. I made it clear, whilst talking to him, what I thought about men doing it (more or less exactly what I've expressed here - it's embarrassing and disrespectful) and he AGREED with me!

It's odd to be repeatedly posting with 'advice' for OP but not bother to read her posts...

It's not a shit start of the year at all. It's a great start!

'Woman applies firm boundaries, and kicks sleazy man to the kerb'

I'd frame that as the best start ever.

As for the 'bloke' posting on here - all men do this. Keep telling yourself that as justification for your poor behaviour.

Utter bullshit.