Breastfeeding comment

[PregnantAtLast]

I'm currently 2 months pregnant. Shared the good news with parents over Christmas, all lovely.

I told my mum I'd be breastfeeding when she asked. She said "Oh, will you be getting one of those shawls like your cousin had?"
(Basically to cover myself and the baby when I am feeding).

It made me feel really uncomfortable that she expects me to cover myself feeding my child in my own family home.

AIBU to push back on this and insist on feeding how I want to, or do I need to respect her wishes when I'm in her home?

I get that. OP and her parents may well want to wait and see what happens once the baby is here before making decisions about this. But the thread has turned into a wider discussion, and to me, being sent to another room is just shades of the same problem.

As to your last line - I don’t see why grown adults would want to make new mothers and tiny babies uncomfortable either, especially when, as you say, there’s little on display anyway.

But it's not your house now and it makes her uncomfortable

Do people defending the mum tho k ALL discomforts are valid and think that they trump everyone else’s discomfort as long as they’re in their own home?

I'd have just said, "No, but you can eat your dinner under a blanket if you prefer not to see."

If you know she's going to be like this it's a good idea to make it clear you won't be entertaining this as early on as possible. If she makes you uncomfortable when you feed at her house, don't visit, and if she makes you uncomfortable when you feed in your own house, she can't visit you either.

The fact is, yes, lots of people ARE weird about breastfeeding. But that’s a them problem and a wider societal issue. That HAS to change. Lots of people generations ago would have been uncomfortable with gay men or lesbians holding hands in public too. Thankfully, by challenging that, we’ve moved on.

I agree, but I think an issue with this is that what’s acceptable or not seems to depend on the person, and is generational and cultural too.
Yes, mother and baby should be comfortable and that’s a priority…but is it okay to, say, completely remove your top on the tube while you’re feeding your child? (This has happened by the way, not a made-up scenario.) I don’t think I’m being misogynistic to think that’s a bit odd on the mother’s part?

I think most people would say some level of discretion is appropriate, but where the line is varies on circumstances and the people involved.

I disagree with this.
My children were EBF.
I am just not comfortable with nudity and I can’t help it (I don’t vocalise it, I’m only typing this as maybe another viewpoint but one from someone who really is pro bf might help). But I don’t think it’s in any way shameful, and I can’t help the way I feel.

I have a friend who truly, wholeheartedly does expose herself (record was 5-10 mins in a restaurant with no baby latched - nor was she trying to latch him - with her entire breast exposed down to her ribs). It really did make a lot of people uncomfortable.

With my first, I couldn’t bring myself to fees in front of anyone. With my second, I was a lot less bothered. But I would never feed in front of men, especially not my dad. It was just the way I felt, he wouldn’t have cared.

Everyone feels differently about things - I had many comments the opposite of yours, especially from the midwife and HV - trying to force me into feeding publicly. In the end, I said that if they didn’t leave it, I would stop breastfeeding entirely. It wasn’t about making a statement to me (this was their goal, normalising bf), it was about being comfortable myself.

I wouldn’t necessarily cover up in her house, but I wouldn’t make it the hill I died on either. I’d probably just casually say that I’d let them know when baby was ready for a feed in case they’d rather go and watch TV in the other room or something (which is a less combative way of saying you’re going to feed without a cover, as is your right, while also acknowledging that it may make them uncomfortable, which is courteous).

Breastfeeding is not nudity. It’s no more nudity than taking your hand out a glove.

I find it interesting how those squeamish about breastfeeding have these really extreme stories of OTT nude breastfeeders. I’ve spent a lot of time around breastfeeding mums and have never seen anything like this, never seen anyone leave their breast out, never seen anyone take a full top off. Or heard of it. Then again people can say anything under the cloak of anonymity

"Babies are the most important thing to the detriment of everyone else"

Well yes, the right of a baby to not go hungry or be in discomfort whilst eating comes before the right of an adult to not have to deal with their own issues around breasts. That's not Mumsnet, that's just basic decency, that any normal adult would accept.

Definitely happens! And I say this is as someone who is pro bf and has never fed either child a single drop of formula.

99% of breastfeeding mums are discrete. But I have personally met (and am friends with) someone who is very far from it, and really did sit fully exposed for prolonged periods, and with a child who was having full meals at this point too (2-4 years old) - who unsurprisingly wandered off after a couple of seconds, so she would just sit there for ages ‘just in case he wanted some more’.

I don’t know anyone who breastfeeds in this way and have been around a lot of breastfeeding women. If someone is feeding like that then I can understand why people might find that uncomfortable, as it seems unnecessary, especially if say, both boobs are out but only one baby is being fed. But most breastfeeding is nothing like this at all. Most breastfeeding women are discrete and don’t want to feel exposed either. I think it’s a false comparison really.

Agreed. I would certainly expect it from a grandparent as well.

God I’m so lucky I have the family I do. My mum made me drinks and fetched biscuits. My MIL fetched me a pillow and said “I know you’re just learning so if you need to faff with tops I’m happy to leave while you do”. I could never imagine having to put up with prudish cry babies over a literal bit of skin

Quite the opposite. I'm astounded any woman is squeamish about breastfeeding when the current generation are about the millionth generation to do so.

That's what makes the attitude of thinking someone needs to hide away so ridiculous. If my mum had suggested it to me I'd have assumed she was joking and responded appropriately

I’m not squeamish about breastfeeding. Breastfed for 5 years myself.

The scenario I described was extreme, also true, but rare I would think. You can choose not to believe me of course.

But the amount of her breast a breastfeeding mother feels comfortable with others seeing does vary a fair bit. Often breastfeeding mothers prefer covering up or even feeding in another room, particularly if there are men present (even if they are - or maybe especially if they are - relatives). That shouldn’t be looked down on either.

And that’s absolutely fine if they do wanna go on another room - because it should be about choice. That doesn’t mean all BF women should feel that way.

As an aside I’ve seen plenty of topless men on public transport and not even feeding babies and no one seemed to mind. Why can’t a woman do it?

Yes, most people are discreet, but the feeling I’m getting from this thread is that that’s ‘wrong thinking’. That an exposed breast is the same as an arm and so on.

My point is that OP’s mum isn’t that unusual. Many breastfeeding mothers actually like to cover-up.

See I’ve breastfed 2 for years and never came across this, in fact older women were the most supportive.

It isn’t any different to an arm. It’s being used for a purpose. Whats the problem?

How do you cope at the swimming baths can I ask?

Yeah, this is where I don’t agree with others on this thread. A woman’s breast is not the same as her arm. And a topless woman is seen differently to a topless man. It’s all cultural of course, but in our culture you can’t equate the two body parts, and it’s just disingenuous to say otherwise.

I found other breastfeeding mothers to be most supportive. The older women I knew had mostly bottle fed so didn’t really understand it.

I use the women’s changing room when swimming?

For the avoidance of doubt, I totally support whatever the breastfeeding mother wants to do to be comfortable breastfeeding. If she wants a cover, that’s great, if she wants to only breastfeed in a separate room, no problem.

But what I don’t agree with is that other people’s discomfort over normal breastfeeding should force a mother to feed in a way that is uncomfortable for her or for her to be made to feel that she’s doing something shameful or indecent.

If a breastfeeding mum comes to my house she can feed her baby to her heart's content. It doesn't bother me in the slightest.
But it does bother this mum. It makes her feel uncomfortable. She's in her own home so yes i do think she should get a say.

Why are so many people up for a woman's right to choose as long as it's what they would choose?

I agree with that really. I very much support breastfeeding.

But…her parents are uncomfortable and that’s normal too imho.
Compromises will have to be made.

I think she has a right to set a boundary in her own home. When in your home or out and about, do whatever you feel comfortable with, I'd not think twice but in her home, I'd respect her request to cover up.

I wonder if they’re uncomfortable at what they think breastfeeding is like rather than what it’s actually like for most women. I think my parents were worried I’d be flashing boobs around, but when they saw the reality, that in fact very little is visible and it can be discrete, they realised they had previous misconceptions and it soon because normal and a non-issue for anyone.

Yes, I agree with this.

It can be harder to be discreet as the child gets older though. Mine used to get curious about what else was going on and unlatch for a stare around the room before settling down again, only to repeat the procedure 30 seconds later. A friend’s older baby liked to play with her other nipple while feeding.

If I tell all my friends they are welcome to come over, but they may not eat, drink or sit down, because all of those things make me feel uncomfortable, and I won't go to their homes or go out in public with them because they will be eating, drinking and sitting down, then I have just told my friends that I wish to end the friendship because I feel my own strange and illogical objections to them being comfortable trumps their right to be comfortable.

The mother has a strange and illogical objection to her daughter and grandchild being comfortable. If she keeps up the same attitude, she's effectively ending the relationship because a breastfeeding mother cannot be around someone who is uncomfortable with their baby being fed whenever they are hungry.

So now the relationship between mother and daughter is over because of breastfeeding?
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