Friends bailed for better offer

[2ndbest]

DH and I are close friends with another couple. They are really fun and lovely, kind people.

They had suggested we catch up for NYE as we usually do. We invited them for dinner and drinks then we were going to walk a nearby park to watch the fireworks at midnight.

During the day yesterday they messaged to say why don’t we go to the earlier fireworks at 9pm and then ’see how we felt’. Over dinner the husband mentioned they’d been invited last minute to a party in a big fancy house with a view of the fireworks.

After the 9pm show we decided to stop in for a drink at a local pub. They bumped into someone they knew so we went on ahead to get a table and texted to confirm we had one. Half an hour later they texted to say they hadn’t been let in because the pub was full so they’d gone to the party they’d been invited to. If they’d told us they couldn’t get in we would have left to go to a different venue or invited them back to our place.

We ended up having a fun night just the two of us but are both feeling quite pissed off at being dumped for a better offer. They have form with this kind of stuff and have pulled out of plans if someone invites them to a ‘fancier’ location but they’ve never actually left halfway through the night before.

AIBU to be upset?

YANBU at all. I’ll be dialling this friendship right back. Wait until they invite you next time.

Yanbu

That's extremely rude.

If they have form for this, why do you describe them as lovely and kind?

Keep at arms length they aren't true friends and are making abit of a mug of you both. What you had planned sounded perfect

I wouldn't even reply to their message. That is outrageously rude.

Bad taste in my mouth about them.

They only should have suggested changing plans if you, also, had the option of changing and attending the other party with them.
Two fair options - All going along together with changed plans, or sticking with original plan together.

Next year do something different.

Because the vast majority of the time they are. I had a serious health issue a couple of years ago and they were amazing. This is definitely a weakness of theirs however and I do wonder if I should say something so they know we are hurt.

Yes DH and I both agree we will be ‘busy’ next NYE.

Yes, you should say something to the effect of...
Did you miss us at the better party? Were the fireworks spectacular?

Please don't say that.

Agreed they're anything but kind and lovely.

Are you sure they're being truthful about not being let in, maybe they thought little lie, save your feelings, but chose to go to the other offer?

But OP has explained that, genuinely, they are. That they supported her through a serious illness, which is a MUCH bigger deal than a bloody NYE party.

I struggle with the tendency, on here, for people to read about one single incident in a relationship/friendship and then go "Oh, they are terrible people, they don't care about you at all, have nothing more to do with them."

You judge people by the totality of their behaviour towards you, not a single incident.

Their behaviour over this was a bit shitty, yes. But at least they were kind of honest - they didn't pretend to be ill or something.....

I have a friend who can be like this. She will bail on me if she gets a better offer, but I KNOW she loves me loads - it's just that she can see me any time she wants, whereas other opportunities may be more limited.

At this point I have said to her, look, we will always be friends, if I ever invite you out and you would rather do something else, please just be honest and say? And I will do the same.

Maybe OP you should try this with your friends, if you are as close to them as you seem to be. Say, guys, I get that you wanted to go to the fancy party - please just tell us so from the get go next time?

That is what I would do. But don't fall out with them over it. It's not worth it. Friends that stand by you and offer support during a serious illness are like gold dust. That's the stuff that really counts - not etiquette over NYE ......

After we received the text DH went to investigate as the pub wasn’t even half full but it turned out they had some rule about not letting anyone in after 9.30pm on NYE (even though they were open til midnight) and we had just made it inside in time. There was a whole load of annoyed people at the front door apparently.

I’m glad he checked because otherwise we would have assumed they were lying which would be more upsetting to me.

No mention of support through illness etc in op.
And it was on the strength of the opening post I commented on.

Yes exactly. Please don’t

if you don’t say anything, they’re more likely to think you’re not really bothered about them and it’ll be more of a moral victory for you

if you imply directly or indirectly you’re annoyed/hurt - they’ll feel they’ve ‘won’ iyswim

Oh, it sounds like it was a genuine mistake, then. If the pub had let them in, I'm sure they would have spent the rest of the evening with you. Definitely don't dump them. Friends who don't run like Usain Bolt when you're ill are truly precious.

I has replied without reading the above. Glad this turned out to be genuine

Yes because even if it’s 100% true they should’ve let you know first by text that they weren’t allowed in instead of swanning off to the other party !

We are not going to end the friendship over this. But I’m not sure I want to give them a free pass to treat us poorly either. I think it’s pretty clear cut that they behaved rudely so I should be honest with them about how it made us feel.

Yes exactly. Taking advantage of the opportunity to leave is what hurt us. I think they were hoping we’d be happy to call it a night after 9pm however they’ve known us a long time and DH and I are notorious stayers. We were up chatting in the kitchen with our 18yo and her friends at 4am lol.

ETA: I should mention I am not in the UK. It’s almost 6pm NYD here so I’m not drunk posting

This is it I mean I admit I shamefully took advantage of the ‘opportunity to leave’ thing back in 1993 - can’t believe it’s now 32 years ago 😮

Anyway back then the context was my friend’s 21st. I was invited to her 21st in the September - but even in June of that year I’d had enough of that friendship. However my conditioning as a people pleaser wouldn’t just let me finish it. She didn’t let my boyfriend come to the party - ok her choice - but on the day of the party I didn’t want to go.

So I did take the bus to go to her town 6 miles away with the intention of going to the party, I got off in the town centre and she wasn’t there to meet me as we’d arranged. So I waited some 15 mins max and took the next bus back home instead of walking the short 5 minute or so walk up to her house!

She phoned me later - furious. She said she’d seen the bus I was on leaving as she came down to the main town square and it was obvious that she knew instinctively that I hadn’t really wanted to go and I was taking full advantage of the ‘opportunity to leave’ thing that her not being at the exact agreed place initially had given me.

Looking back, the mature thing would’ve been to have phased the friendship out in June way before the party stage and if she had given me a party invite I should’ve politely but definitely declined. That said - there’s no easy way to end a friendship - if you’re too direct you could’ve done it more gently, if you’re too ‘gentle’ , you’re potentially misleading someone and could’ve been more direct .. when it comes to ending friendships - you have to accept you can’t spare people’s feelings !

Some friends are just 'flakey friends' - maintain the friendship if they're nice people and you all enjoy each other's company.

When they messaged you and changed the plans to 'see how we feel' -- that was an attempt at communicating that they thought their plans were likely to change later but they still wanted to spend time with you that evening.

That isn't how shit friends behave. But it does mean that there's some communication issue there - so I'd plan a conversation about asking them to be a bit clearer if that happens in future. But I wouldn't go off on one -- they were trying to see two different groups of friends that night.

Well, maybe they didn’t want to make an incredibly long night of it with ‘notorious stayers’? If you’d started the night early enough to have finished dinner in time to get to the park for the earlier fireworks at 9 pm, I don’t think it was unreasonable of them to combine time with you with a party elsewhere once there was a natural break in the night, and they’d already suggested doing the early fireworks and ‘seeing how they felt’? They should have told you, of course.