Friends bailed for better offer

[2ndbest]

DH and I are close friends with another couple. They are really fun and lovely, kind people.

They had suggested we catch up for NYE as we usually do. We invited them for dinner and drinks then we were going to walk a nearby park to watch the fireworks at midnight.

During the day yesterday they messaged to say why don’t we go to the earlier fireworks at 9pm and then ’see how we felt’. Over dinner the husband mentioned they’d been invited last minute to a party in a big fancy house with a view of the fireworks.

After the 9pm show we decided to stop in for a drink at a local pub. They bumped into someone they knew so we went on ahead to get a table and texted to confirm we had one. Half an hour later they texted to say they hadn’t been let in because the pub was full so they’d gone to the party they’d been invited to. If they’d told us they couldn’t get in we would have left to go to a different venue or invited them back to our place.

We ended up having a fun night just the two of us but are both feeling quite pissed off at being dumped for a better offer. They have form with this kind of stuff and have pulled out of plans if someone invites them to a ‘fancier’ location but they’ve never actually left halfway through the night before.

AIBU to be upset?

That's really rude, I'd be pissed off too.

I don't see a problem with letting them know how you feel. You could just say what you've said here: that you would have been happy to go to another venue, but being dumped halfway through a night isn't how you expect to be treated, and isn't how you'd treat them.

And I wouldn't be in a rush to hang out with them again. As you say, they've got form for this, so it's not a one-off error of judgement.

Agree with @Ilovelurchers and @5128gap about seeing this in the context of previous solid support during illness, which is like gold. Also as @MidnightPatrol says a lot of people are so flaky now about social commitments. I would keep it in mind that they'll default to plans that suits them if any opportunity, so plan your own stuff accordingly and don't put yourself out massively if you're going to be looking around wondering where they've gone later. It's valuable to have different types of friends and to appreciate their best points and limitations in the round.

Absolutely spot on.

I would be busy for a few months never mind next NYE.

Astonishingly rude of them. And the ridiculous lie about not getting into the restaurant when you had a table already.

You don't need to fall out. Just be a bit distant and definitely do not make any social arrangements with them. Just in case something better comes up.....

It’s obvious they wanted to go to this other party and that’s why they changed plans to go the earlier fireworks. They mentioned the other party at dinner, probably in the hope you would say something like “oh are you going?” and agree to part ways early.

I mean it’s a bit annoying but it’s not like they cancelled altogether.
<clutches straws>

OP : "Yes exactly. Taking advantage of the opportunity to leave is what hurt us. I think they were hoping we’d be happy to call it a night after 9pm however they’ve known us a long time and DH and I are notorious stayers. We were up chatting in the kitchen with our 18yo and her friends at 4am lol".

Apologies that's what your post highlighted reads as lol

I think you can decide to make this a big deal or not. I personally wouldn't. They had dinner with you and were intending to go to the pub, but couldn't get in so they went to another party after spending time with you both. It might be that you have got into a pattern that they would like to break - that happens. They committed to you but they didn't cancel the whole evening. They said in the morning "see how it goes" sort of thing, it's awkward but the party sounds exciting and would you genuinely have wanted their company knowing they would rather be somewhere else ? You said that you and DH had a nice evening anyway, perhaps they knew that would happen.

Except it was true ...try to reign in the viciousness a bit.

I'm sure if they'd said our friends have a table inside and we just went outside for some fresh air, they would have been allowed in. Think just an excuse. Poor behaviour. They should have tried harder to get into the pub or phoned you to discuss options. I would not be impressed!

I think you should say something as they might be oblivious to your feelings. Saying that, keep it light, they sound like good people in all other areas. Not worth losing good friends over a NYE X

If they don’t have an obvious reason other than their own needs then that’s extremely rude. Last NYE, I’d confess something similar happens for us, we were invited to a friends house for dinner, it’s the other side of town and in this city it’s impossible to get taxis on NYE, so had we stayed till midnight we’d have had to drive back, and since I don’t have a license, I’d mean DH not being able to drink at all, he likes a few in NYE, and also, our friends kids were 3 and newborn, whereas ours were 9 and 7 at the time. We’d already said we were happy to come but would toast new year a it early and go home around 10, as we knew the drive through town would be hectic. Shortly before new years we were invited to a neighbor’s new year party, they have kids exactly same age and gender, so we said we’d come around later. We then did leave already around 9.30 from the other friends house, and I do think they were a bit offended, and I get that, but the thing is they’re mainly my friends, whereas the other friends are more like family friends, so both DH and the kids were very keen to go to the other party so I said yes. We invited the other friends round for a nice dinner in January to make up for it, but I still felt a bit bad. The only thing that would make me feel it was even slightly ok is if it’s something like that - logistic reasons, as well as if this couple is less of friends of your both, and maybe more like it’s your girlfriend and the husbands don’t get in that well, as is the case with our original new years friends. Quite frankly I always find NYE a bit of a nightmare, I wish we had a big home, then I’d just invite everyone to ours and be done with it! But we live in a small two bed, so throwing a large party isn’t an option. Often trying to come up wi he plans that suit everyone in the family is tricky, and can end up in letting some people down. Sounds like your friends weren’t being straight with you which is really bad form, but on the other hand, NYE is just such a tricky evening to plan, and sometimes couples don’t agree, could it be one of them are closer to you or DH than the other, so maybe compromises a bit on celebrating w you, and the other would rather do something else?

You also disagree with posters who say to confront them about this. This is not a teenage friendship and it wasn’t a major betrayal or anything. Just wanting to go to a big fun do, and being a bit selfish about that . If they’re otherwise good friends, then I’d just let it slide. I think if they’re good friends they know they were a bit in the wrong and will do little things to make it up to you, without you having to make a big deal out of it. Because of us leaving our other friends party early last year, I made sure to invite them for dinner in Jan, and whenever I’m meeting up with my friend and her daughter, I make sure to go out my way to go to places that suit her and the little
one, so I like too think she realized I knew I had something to make up. No one is perfect and if you go around binning friends every time they let you down slightly, you’ll likely end up quite lonely. Everyone has their reasons for doing what they do.

@leftorrightnow

If it helps, I collect books on etiquette and manners, and moving among multiple parties on Christmas and New Year's Eve is perfectly correct and always has been. You weren't in the wrong to accept two invitations.

Lol okay thank you! Feel better now! I just think people need to understand NYE is such a tricky night. Transport is complicated, everyone’s has different needs and that’s why some people just end up having a quiet night in. Also, when we were younger, like in twenties, going to multiple parties in one night, and especially NYE, was the norm! Sometimes we just get too stuck in our ways as we grow older. This night sounds like a kind of normal party night to me! Things happen and don’t always go to plan.
maybe a good approach is leaving plans a bit vague, that way expectations are so specific and less chance of getting hurt. If you end up with less time with people than you’d like, don’t make it a it deal. People attach way too much importance to NYE imo.

Exactly! They are anything but kind

I knew a couple who would book tables at several restaurants, then turn up at the one they fancied on the night. They sound a bit like that, and they certainly don't sound nice.

Subtly let them go, fair weather friends.

I wouldn't confront anyone though. I just wouldn't make anymore NYE plans with them.

Lots of VIPs do that. Can’t expand as would be too outing, but through my job I can tell you lots of politicians, heads of governments and celebrities do this ALL the time. No one thinks less of them for that. Although it’s rude to the restaurant and I wouldn’t do so myself, just saying, at a certain level, that’s just standard.

@leftorrightnow They may, and many wannabe VIPs, I'm sure. I can't say how I know, as it would also be too outing, but it's a very effective means of getting yourself put on the blacklist of every restaurant in town.

😄 I thought this as well.. I like to chat to my sons friends but I have told him to always be honest and tell me if it's "too much" so now he says "muum" and looks at me and I know I should up and leave.. And he's only 11...

As long as you tell people in advance.

Lol yes that true, but the people I’m referring to just travel all over the world all the time, so they don’t care. May not come back to that city or country for another coupes of years. I think it’s wrong, for sure! Just commenting that there’s always one rule for normal people and another for VIPs, and that it isn’t really about what’s right or wrong most the time, but what you can get away with. But Disney and every other Hollywood movie likes to feed us peasants ideas about morality to keep us in check. More fool us.

@leftorrightnow Yes, the couple I know were hardly the same level, just had lofty aspirations! As I say, it did backfire badly.

I don't think they've done anything wrong. They couldn't get into the pub, let OP know, and went to the party. No biggie. I'm wondering if OP would be so bothered if the party hadn't been in a "big fancy house"...