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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends bailed for better offer

128 replies

2ndbest · 01/01/2025 05:17

DH and I are close friends with another couple. They are really fun and lovely, kind people.

They had suggested we catch up for NYE as we usually do. We invited them for dinner and drinks then we were going to walk a nearby park to watch the fireworks at midnight.

During the day yesterday they messaged to say why don’t we go to the earlier fireworks at 9pm and then ’see how we felt’. Over dinner the husband mentioned they’d been invited last minute to a party in a big fancy house with a view of the fireworks.

After the 9pm show we decided to stop in for a drink at a local pub. They bumped into someone they knew so we went on ahead to get a table and texted to confirm we had one. Half an hour later they texted to say they hadn’t been let in because the pub was full so they’d gone to the party they’d been invited to. If they’d told us they couldn’t get in we would have left to go to a different venue or invited them back to our place.

We ended up having a fun night just the two of us but are both feeling quite pissed off at being dumped for a better offer. They have form with this kind of stuff and have pulled out of plans if someone invites them to a ‘fancier’ location but they’ve never actually left halfway through the night before.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Member968405 · 01/01/2025 07:29

I think NYE is the one night of the year people definitely shouldn’t do this, because what happens on that night matters. A couple once arranged to meet us for drinks early on in NYE before we all went on to separate parties. They cancelled for a better offer, and even though it was only going to be a couple of hours, I was really hurt

Firenzeflower · 01/01/2025 07:44

Yes.
Poor behaviour.
Back off from them.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 01/01/2025 07:50

That’s super rude. I think if they are good friends as you say, you can tell them that you found their behaviour rude last night and it’s not ok to just dump your friends when you get a better offer.

Roseshavethorns · 01/01/2025 07:56

On the surface it looks like a pretty rotten thing to do. But it may just be a set of unfortunate circumstances.
Did you ask them why they wanted to go to the earlier event? It may not have been because they had a better offer. It sounds like you are older, it may have been that they just didn't fancy being in town with loads of younger drunken revellers (though I may be projecting - it's my idea of hell these days).
Also, it sounds like you walked away and left them, they didn't abandon you. They may feel you dumped them. Also remember that texts don't always arrive immediately, especially in a very busy area so they may not have received your initial text.
It may just have been that, after you were separated (they couldn't join you and you appear to have chosen not to leave the pub and join them) they decided to cut their losses and go to the party rather than stay in town on their own or cut their night short.
It sounds like you are normally good friends. Maybe the party is a red herring and it was just one of those nights when things just didn't go to plan. It happens.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 01/01/2025 07:56

You could message back saying HNY. Hope the party was fun? We felt sad not to say goodbye to you properly. Enjoy your day.

BobbleHatsRule · 01/01/2025 07:57

You had fun with them and on your own. They are normally kind and nice. They didn't intend to snub and dump you. Chalk it up to experience. Don't start 2025 falling out with them. Nothing good will come from saying anything

JustWalkingTheDogs · 01/01/2025 08:16

Wow how incredibly rude of them

AlmosttimeforChristmas · 01/01/2025 08:22

Why couldn’t they have invited you guys along to the other party?

Bumbleebeetree · 01/01/2025 08:35

Ilovelurchers · 01/01/2025 06:09

But OP has explained that, genuinely, they are. That they supported her through a serious illness, which is a MUCH bigger deal than a bloody NYE party.

I struggle with the tendency, on here, for people to read about one single incident in a relationship/friendship and then go "Oh, they are terrible people, they don't care about you at all, have nothing more to do with them."

You judge people by the totality of their behaviour towards you, not a single incident.

Their behaviour over this was a bit shitty, yes. But at least they were kind of honest - they didn't pretend to be ill or something.....

I have a friend who can be like this. She will bail on me if she gets a better offer, but I KNOW she loves me loads - it's just that she can see me any time she wants, whereas other opportunities may be more limited.

At this point I have said to her, look, we will always be friends, if I ever invite you out and you would rather do something else, please just be honest and say? And I will do the same.

Maybe OP you should try this with your friends, if you are as close to them as you seem to be. Say, guys, I get that you wanted to go to the fancy party - please just tell us so from the get go next time?

That is what I would do. But don't fall out with them over it. It's not worth it. Friends that stand by you and offer support during a serious illness are like gold dust. That's the stuff that really counts - not etiquette over NYE ......

Show quote history

This is great advice imo. They sound like they're ultimately good friends and it's not worth falling out over. You could say you were disappointed they left if you feel like you need to say something but leave it at that.

Anonycat · 01/01/2025 08:40

I would not try to hide that I was hurt. I would probably reply something like "If you’d told us straight away you weren't being allowed in, we would have come out and we could all have done something else together, such as gone back to our house. I’m disappointed you didn’t want to spend the rest of the evening with us as planned."

MimiSunshine · 01/01/2025 08:42

I would find a way to discuss it with them. Otherwise it’ll fester with you a bit and sour things anyway.

doesnt have to be friendship ending, just facts as you understand them:

  • you all had plans to spend the evening together and watch midnight fireworks
  • they wanted to change the plans to 9pm fireworks and a “see how we feel” which you interpreted as ‘possibly end the night at that point’
  • It seemed like they wanted to end the night early so they could go to a different party and while they may see that as a way to do both and still spend time with you, you see it as being ditched for a better offer.
  • not having dinner with you due to the pub rule felt like a great excuse for them to ditch you in favour if the other offer and you are hurt by that.

then see how they respond.

I know someone who does similar. She makes multiple commitments in one day / evening and so is always leaving early or arriving late as she’s on to her next thing or just left one.
shes very outgoing and has a lot of friends and is exhaustingly busy all the time (I think so, she doesn’t she loves it) but when she’s never fully committed to being at one thing with one person / group it just feels like she doesn’t really care and we’re all just extras in her main character life.

Ive learnt to keep her at arms length and not make plans solely around her availability or need to be there. If she pops in, lovely but if she’s not there it has no impact

StarlightStalagmite · 01/01/2025 08:46

Ilovelurchers · 01/01/2025 06:09

But OP has explained that, genuinely, they are. That they supported her through a serious illness, which is a MUCH bigger deal than a bloody NYE party.

I struggle with the tendency, on here, for people to read about one single incident in a relationship/friendship and then go "Oh, they are terrible people, they don't care about you at all, have nothing more to do with them."

You judge people by the totality of their behaviour towards you, not a single incident.

Their behaviour over this was a bit shitty, yes. But at least they were kind of honest - they didn't pretend to be ill or something.....

I have a friend who can be like this. She will bail on me if she gets a better offer, but I KNOW she loves me loads - it's just that she can see me any time she wants, whereas other opportunities may be more limited.

At this point I have said to her, look, we will always be friends, if I ever invite you out and you would rather do something else, please just be honest and say? And I will do the same.

Maybe OP you should try this with your friends, if you are as close to them as you seem to be. Say, guys, I get that you wanted to go to the fancy party - please just tell us so from the get go next time?

That is what I would do. But don't fall out with them over it. It's not worth it. Friends that stand by you and offer support during a serious illness are like gold dust. That's the stuff that really counts - not etiquette over NYE ......

Show quote history

Second this

silentassassin · 01/01/2025 08:52

OP- read Mel Robbins new book "Let them" - its liberating and great advice for situations just as this

standardduck · 01/01/2025 08:55

If they are good friends then I would have a chat with them about it. Maybe they are not aware how much you were upset by it. Although it does sound pretty rude!

Moonshine5 · 01/01/2025 09:00

Is anyone else feeling for the 18 year olds who had to spend 6 hours chatting to their friends' parents on NYE lol

5128gap · 01/01/2025 09:13

They REALLY wanted to go to the other party. When they suggested earlier fireworks I imagine they had a half hope of ending the evening with you early and going there afterwards. Then, as luck would have it, they couldn't join you in the pub, so, yay! Sorry, not sorry they have no choice to go to the party.
Thing is, if you have friends who are kind, fun, well liked and gregarious, they will tend to have a lot of options, and sometimes people do commit to a thing and then feel disappointed when a better thing is offered. (And its important to remember its the thing that was offered, the glam lively party over the quiet dinner that was preferred, not you as people.)
Most of us have been in this position at times if we're honest snd secretly wish we were free from the less good thing to go to the one off exciting one. But we tend to honour our origional committment and swallow our disappointment. Fate handed your friends a way to do what they wanted and they took it. That was not a decision others may have made, but thats them. No ones perfect so if you are to continue the friendship it means accepting their flaw.

BoTimic · 01/01/2025 09:23

Sis they try and call you? Also when did they send the text . Did you read it as soon as it was sent?
It would da like they had given you the heads up that they might not do NYE with you when they said 'we'll see". So maybe they genuinely didn't realise you thought they would stay with you to celebrate.

BeLilacSloth · 01/01/2025 09:37

Really shitty behaviour from them both, you don’t treat friends like that. I’d be really hurt if I were you.

MidnightPatrol · 01/01/2025 09:40

YANBU

I find people are very flaky nowadays.

Any attempt to organise anything and you’ll have cancellations, people hours late, people announcing they need to leave an hour after they’ve arrived etc.

BenditlikeBridget · 01/01/2025 09:41

Yes, i’d be hurt too. I like this wording from @MimiSunshine; i’d turn this into a text to them:

”It seemed like they wanted to end the night early so they could go to a different party and while they may see that as a way to do both and still spend time with you, you see it as being ditched for a better offer.”

PeppyGreenFinch · 01/01/2025 09:44

Sounds like they used you for a free dinner to lead up to their night out.

I’d not invite them round again.

MumblesParty · 01/01/2025 09:49

I wouldn’t end the friendship over this, nor would I say anything about it to them. But I would change the way I arranged things with them, and wouldn’t make plans in future that just involved them. From now on I’d always assume there’s a chance they’d dump you for a “better” offer.

theleafandnotthetree · 01/01/2025 09:50

I have a friend who is a bit notorious for this kind of thing. But when you get her, she is fabulous and the kind of friend who would - and who has- dropped everything if you need her. When my marriage ended, she was beyond good to me. So I just sort of let it slide, don't get too hung up on plans and take her as I find her. She grew up in a large and fairly chaotic family where there was little rearing and I think the kind of messaging that I would received around 'you keep your word', 'the first plan IS the plan' etc just didn't happen. The culture in general simply is now to be more flakey, I don't like it but if I cut off or confronted every friend who didn't behave perfectly towards me every time, I'd be lonely. OP your friends are skating on thin ice if it's a pattern but only you know if the right thing to incorporate this into what you know about them and sort of accept it, to tell them your feelings on it, or to end or ease out of the friendship.

BeeLight · 01/01/2025 09:52

5128gap · 01/01/2025 09:13

They REALLY wanted to go to the other party. When they suggested earlier fireworks I imagine they had a half hope of ending the evening with you early and going there afterwards. Then, as luck would have it, they couldn't join you in the pub, so, yay! Sorry, not sorry they have no choice to go to the party.
Thing is, if you have friends who are kind, fun, well liked and gregarious, they will tend to have a lot of options, and sometimes people do commit to a thing and then feel disappointed when a better thing is offered. (And its important to remember its the thing that was offered, the glam lively party over the quiet dinner that was preferred, not you as people.)
Most of us have been in this position at times if we're honest snd secretly wish we were free from the less good thing to go to the one off exciting one. But we tend to honour our origional committment and swallow our disappointment. Fate handed your friends a way to do what they wanted and they took it. That was not a decision others may have made, but thats them. No ones perfect so if you are to continue the friendship it means accepting their flaw.

I think that’s reasonable. Though in their shoes I’d have been upfront about wanting to combine dinner with you and the party — I think it sounds like a very long evening if you’d finished dinner in time to get to the park for fireworks at 9. I’d possibly have asked the party hosts if I could bring two guests, though.

Original poster
2ndbest · 01/01/2025 09:54

Moonshine5 · 01/01/2025 09:00

Is anyone else feeling for the 18 year olds who had to spend 6 hours chatting to their friends' parents on NYE lol

When did I say we were talking to them for 6 hrs? We got in at 1 and they came home about 2.30. I was still cleaning up from dinner and gave them all water and found some snacks to soak up the alcohol. DH was in bed but got up. They’re all 17/18 and it was their first big NYE so we wanted to make sure they were all ok. Then we went to bed at 4 and they all stayed up for the sunrise. There were bodies everywhere this morning but no vomit so I count that as a success!

OP posts:
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