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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends bailed for better offer

128 replies

2ndbest · 01/01/2025 05:17

DH and I are close friends with another couple. They are really fun and lovely, kind people.

They had suggested we catch up for NYE as we usually do. We invited them for dinner and drinks then we were going to walk a nearby park to watch the fireworks at midnight.

During the day yesterday they messaged to say why don’t we go to the earlier fireworks at 9pm and then ’see how we felt’. Over dinner the husband mentioned they’d been invited last minute to a party in a big fancy house with a view of the fireworks.

After the 9pm show we decided to stop in for a drink at a local pub. They bumped into someone they knew so we went on ahead to get a table and texted to confirm we had one. Half an hour later they texted to say they hadn’t been let in because the pub was full so they’d gone to the party they’d been invited to. If they’d told us they couldn’t get in we would have left to go to a different venue or invited them back to our place.

We ended up having a fun night just the two of us but are both feeling quite pissed off at being dumped for a better offer. They have form with this kind of stuff and have pulled out of plans if someone invites them to a ‘fancier’ location but they’ve never actually left halfway through the night before.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Idontgiveashitanymore · 01/01/2025 09:59

If you don’t want to lose them be honest and tell them that they could have been honest from the start and that it was hurtful. If they don’t apologise them bin them, they’re not your true friends

MerrilyOnhigh · 01/01/2025 10:03

The fact that they were genuinely prevented from entering the pub puts a bit of a different complexion on things, given that by that time you had already had a lot of time together having dinner and at the fireworks. Also the fact that you say you and your husband are "notorious stayers". With the best will in the world, when you've already been with someone for a few hours and are fully caught-up, the thought of several more hours socialising with them could be quite daunting. After the fireworks you didn't have any specific plans for the rest of the evening so it made some sense for your friends to go on to somewhere where there were plans. However, it would probably have been better to have arranged that when they changed the fireworks timing.

MeMeMeMeOw · 01/01/2025 10:04

TheWayTheLightFalls · 01/01/2025 05:20

YANBU at all. I’ll be dialling this friendship right back. Wait until they invite you next time.

It was them who invited her this time.

MeMeMeMeOw · 01/01/2025 10:06

AlmostAJillSandwich · 01/01/2025 06:02

Are you sure they're being truthful about not being let in, maybe they thought little lie, save your feelings, but chose to go to the other offer?

No, it's NOT a 'little lie' to save the OP's feelings. It's a bare faced lie to save THEIRS. They're not real friends. Horrid behaviour.

CarminaPiranha · 01/01/2025 10:08

They sound a bit shallow.

AngelinaFibres · 01/01/2025 10:14

Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option.

GreyAreas · 01/01/2025 10:21

Laugh and let live, they sound ok and this isn't worth a wedge. I suspect she wanted to stick to the agreed plan but he thought not getting into the pub was a free pass to change plans. No big deal.

despairnow · 01/01/2025 10:30

It sounds like they wanted to separate after the fireworks but didn't like to say, then took advantage if not getting into the pub.
Though you probably should have waited for them when they bumped into friends not gone into the pub alone or at least waited at the pub door so it's partly your fault too as you got separated

NeedToChangeName · 01/01/2025 10:40

They were rude

I wouldn't end the friendship or confront then, but it would change how I felt about them

If I said anything at all, it would be long the lines of "you probably felt it was a good way to combine two events, but we felt you left us for a better offer"

But, IRL, I think we have to accept that most of us are not perfect all the time and we'd have no friends left if we cut people off for one misdemeanor

Roysieboy · 01/01/2025 10:41

2ndbest · 01/01/2025 05:48

Because the vast majority of the time they are. I had a serious health issue a couple of years ago and they were amazing. This is definitely a weakness of theirs however and I do wonder if I should say something so they know we are hurt.

Show quote history

Definitely be open you are hurt if it’s friendship worth saving

BusyPoster · 01/01/2025 10:43

I think they planned the whole thing.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/01/2025 10:44

So basically you are the second-tier, not that important friends, ones that are fine to be with if nothing else comes along? Do you really want to be that? Jeezo. What charming people. I would defo say something as their behaviour was shitty. Given they have form for this (and you put up with it before?), I would imagine they intended this all along…

Roysieboy · 01/01/2025 10:44

Roseshavethorns · 01/01/2025 07:56

On the surface it looks like a pretty rotten thing to do. But it may just be a set of unfortunate circumstances.
Did you ask them why they wanted to go to the earlier event? It may not have been because they had a better offer. It sounds like you are older, it may have been that they just didn't fancy being in town with loads of younger drunken revellers (though I may be projecting - it's my idea of hell these days).
Also, it sounds like you walked away and left them, they didn't abandon you. They may feel you dumped them. Also remember that texts don't always arrive immediately, especially in a very busy area so they may not have received your initial text.
It may just have been that, after you were separated (they couldn't join you and you appear to have chosen not to leave the pub and join them) they decided to cut their losses and go to the party rather than stay in town on their own or cut their night short.
It sounds like you are normally good friends. Maybe the party is a red herring and it was just one of those nights when things just didn't go to plan. It happens.

This is definitely worth considering…and were you primed to think what you think now I guess…were you testing them?

Roysieboy · 01/01/2025 10:47

2ndbest · 01/01/2025 05:50

Yes DH and I both agree we will be ‘busy’ next NYE.

Show quote history

I don’t think that solves anything if it’s not genuine. Means you’re still harboring stuff, not good for authentic friendship. And will probably backfire is my experience

i’d be honest now

Roysieboy · 01/01/2025 10:48

user1492757084 · 01/01/2025 05:54

Yes, you should say something to the effect of...
Did you miss us at the better party? Were the fireworks spectacular?

They could just say yes and the OP will be none the wiser

snowmichael · 01/01/2025 10:49

They got a better offer, you should get better friends

Roysieboy · 01/01/2025 10:50

Ilovelurchers · 01/01/2025 06:09

But OP has explained that, genuinely, they are. That they supported her through a serious illness, which is a MUCH bigger deal than a bloody NYE party.

I struggle with the tendency, on here, for people to read about one single incident in a relationship/friendship and then go "Oh, they are terrible people, they don't care about you at all, have nothing more to do with them."

You judge people by the totality of their behaviour towards you, not a single incident.

Their behaviour over this was a bit shitty, yes. But at least they were kind of honest - they didn't pretend to be ill or something.....

I have a friend who can be like this. She will bail on me if she gets a better offer, but I KNOW she loves me loads - it's just that she can see me any time she wants, whereas other opportunities may be more limited.

At this point I have said to her, look, we will always be friends, if I ever invite you out and you would rather do something else, please just be honest and say? And I will do the same.

Maybe OP you should try this with your friends, if you are as close to them as you seem to be. Say, guys, I get that you wanted to go to the fancy party - please just tell us so from the get go next time?

That is what I would do. But don't fall out with them over it. It's not worth it. Friends that stand by you and offer support during a serious illness are like gold dust. That's the stuff that really counts - not etiquette over NYE ......

Show quote history

Completely agree with this

Spangledangle · 01/01/2025 10:50

On the whole they sound like decent friends. I would let it slide personally.

despairnow · 01/01/2025 10:51

I think you should talk it through.

despairnow · 01/01/2025 10:53

Also did you call them when they couldn't get in the pub?
Realistically what options did they have- stuck outside the pub so either you guys come out and go elsewhere or back home or call it a day as they have an option and you had the pub. Did you speak in the phone at that point!?

Roysieboy · 01/01/2025 10:54

MerrilyOnhigh · 01/01/2025 10:03

The fact that they were genuinely prevented from entering the pub puts a bit of a different complexion on things, given that by that time you had already had a lot of time together having dinner and at the fireworks. Also the fact that you say you and your husband are "notorious stayers". With the best will in the world, when you've already been with someone for a few hours and are fully caught-up, the thought of several more hours socialising with them could be quite daunting. After the fireworks you didn't have any specific plans for the rest of the evening so it made some sense for your friends to go on to somewhere where there were plans. However, it would probably have been better to have arranged that when they changed the fireworks timing.

Yes this…totally relate to the spending too much time with one set

despairnow · 01/01/2025 10:55

Oh see it was half an hour later and they already at the party
Though if my friends went ahead and into the pub without me so think I'd feel they left me

Spirallingdownwards · 01/01/2025 10:55

I think the reality is they were always going to go to this other party. That's why they suggested going to the earlier fireworks. They would have probably made excuses to leave earlier.

I suspect they didn't make the cut into the pub but actually may have been quite pleased that they didn't because it gave them an easy out!

If they have been good friends otherwise I would just take care how and when I met up with them going forward and for more special occasions I would say in a joking (not joking way) you're not going to ditch us for a better offer this time because if you are we'll say no from the outset this time.

SantoriniSunrise · 01/01/2025 11:06

Why didn't they ask you to go to the party with them? Would you have gone if they had?

Spirallingdownwards · 01/01/2025 11:12

SantoriniSunrise · 01/01/2025 11:06

Why didn't they ask you to go to the party with them? Would you have gone if they had?

Probably because it wasn't their party and so they weren't in a position to extend invitations to people the host hadn't invited because that would be really rude, wouldn't it?

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