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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends bailed for better offer

128 replies

2ndbest · 01/01/2025 05:17

DH and I are close friends with another couple. They are really fun and lovely, kind people.

They had suggested we catch up for NYE as we usually do. We invited them for dinner and drinks then we were going to walk a nearby park to watch the fireworks at midnight.

During the day yesterday they messaged to say why don’t we go to the earlier fireworks at 9pm and then ’see how we felt’. Over dinner the husband mentioned they’d been invited last minute to a party in a big fancy house with a view of the fireworks.

After the 9pm show we decided to stop in for a drink at a local pub. They bumped into someone they knew so we went on ahead to get a table and texted to confirm we had one. Half an hour later they texted to say they hadn’t been let in because the pub was full so they’d gone to the party they’d been invited to. If they’d told us they couldn’t get in we would have left to go to a different venue or invited them back to our place.

We ended up having a fun night just the two of us but are both feeling quite pissed off at being dumped for a better offer. They have form with this kind of stuff and have pulled out of plans if someone invites them to a ‘fancier’ location but they’ve never actually left halfway through the night before.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Eldermillennial2024 · 01/01/2025 17:21

YANBU

That's poor form

Catandsquirrel · 01/01/2025 17:32

I think they were fine to make arrangements to go to the earlier party with you then the later one. It was reasonably ahead of time. NY is such a busy night that it's reasonable to see different people as long as you let people know your plans so they're not left hanging which I think they did.

It would have been better still if they could invite you to the later one but they may not have been able to.

The decision to leave was out of their hands if the pub stopped letting in. Not great Comms but the actual leaving wasn't their choice.

I understand your feeling that they were quick to accept this and go to the posh party but if they've been supportive through illness would take this one on the chin as is isn't clear cut.

I know from experience that it's quite unpredictable who will be there and who won't at these times and I would cut these guys some slack. I don't mean be mugs, but in this instance, I'd say they've acted within the law (obv not literally, it's the phrase that came to mind!!) just about even, if it would have been nice to feel like more of a priority.

If there comes another time of them flaking, feel free to say 'no problem but can you please let us know beforehand in future?' or similar to register that you're not best pleased. Id say have a stepwise approach in mind rather than feel it's say nothing or go nuclear.

Rosiecidar · 01/01/2025 19:43

If it wasn't a party in a posh house that you weren't invited to, would you feel so put out ? If they had just gone home as couldn't get into the pub...I can't help feeling that perhaps there's a bit of jealousy? I think that would be a natural response ? Even you have labelled the thread as "better offer" rather than "other offer".

restingbitchface30 · 02/01/2025 17:53

I had this done to me last nye and it stung! We invited close friends to ours for a few drinks as we had 1 yo twins at the time it was the most we could do. They bailed on us for a better offer. It felt rubbish but they are good friends in other ways so it hasn’t done too much damage to the friendship.

OurDreamLife · 02/01/2025 18:00

They took the opportunity to ditch you. It sounds like they were always going to bail.

YowieeF · 02/01/2025 19:06

Why exactly are you still friends?

Maninpeace · 02/01/2025 19:08

2ndbest · 01/01/2025 05:17

DH and I are close friends with another couple. They are really fun and lovely, kind people.

They had suggested we catch up for NYE as we usually do. We invited them for dinner and drinks then we were going to walk a nearby park to watch the fireworks at midnight.

During the day yesterday they messaged to say why don’t we go to the earlier fireworks at 9pm and then ’see how we felt’. Over dinner the husband mentioned they’d been invited last minute to a party in a big fancy house with a view of the fireworks.

After the 9pm show we decided to stop in for a drink at a local pub. They bumped into someone they knew so we went on ahead to get a table and texted to confirm we had one. Half an hour later they texted to say they hadn’t been let in because the pub was full so they’d gone to the party they’d been invited to. If they’d told us they couldn’t get in we would have left to go to a different venue or invited them back to our place.

We ended up having a fun night just the two of us but are both feeling quite pissed off at being dumped for a better offer. They have form with this kind of stuff and have pulled out of plans if someone invites them to a ‘fancier’ location but they’ve never actually left halfway through the night before.

AIBU to be upset?

Not only did they bail half way through an evening but they also lied to you about why they chose to bail.

Dicks.

Deeperthantheocean · 02/01/2025 20:22

They wanted to go to the other party but didn't want to offend you so hence the elaborate plan. Best to be honest and just tell you. Do they think you're stupid? Bad decision. Thing is when you've done something a few times it becomes expected, the norm. When one party says oh we're doing this then fine, just the way it goes. Xxx

Bunny65 · 02/01/2025 22:54

They should have offered to see if they could get you an invite to the other party too.

PBJsandwich123 · 03/01/2025 00:56

My sister is like this. Apparently it's an ADHD thing. People can't give you everything, so it's a case of thinking about if their redeeming qualities offset their flaws. Some flaws are excusable - it just a question of what ones are to you and what aren't.

Nikki75 · 03/01/2025 10:09

They are obviously not lovely and kind !!

KnifeForkAndSpoon2 · 03/01/2025 10:30

YANBU. We no longer see a couple who kept doing this to us. There’s no way we want to be ‘B list’ friends. At times, we’d turned down offers from other friends to see this couple, only for them to bail on us at really short notice. After a while, we gradually just pulled away and I think they’ve got the message now.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/01/2025 10:38

Jumell · 01/01/2025 06:23

Yes exactly. Please don’t

if you don’t say anything, they’re more likely to think you’re not really bothered about them and it’ll be more of a moral victory for you

if you imply directly or indirectly you’re annoyed/hurt - they’ll feel they’ve ‘won’ iyswim

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I think they're selfish rather than evil. I don't think hurting OP would be winning for them. Winning would be getting away with it so I do think OP should say something.

I know people like this. They don't do it on purpose to hurt/disappoint other people, they just don't mind if they do.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/01/2025 10:40

Rosiecidar · 01/01/2025 19:43

If it wasn't a party in a posh house that you weren't invited to, would you feel so put out ? If they had just gone home as couldn't get into the pub...I can't help feeling that perhaps there's a bit of jealousy? I think that would be a natural response ? Even you have labelled the thread as "better offer" rather than "other offer".

They wouldn't have just gone home though, would they? They would have contacted OP and met somewhere else. The pub closing its doors was very convenient for them.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/01/2025 10:41

PBJsandwich123 · 03/01/2025 00:56

My sister is like this. Apparently it's an ADHD thing. People can't give you everything, so it's a case of thinking about if their redeeming qualities offset their flaws. Some flaws are excusable - it just a question of what ones are to you and what aren't.

No, I don't accept the ADHD excuse. It's selfishness.

Puffypuffin · 03/01/2025 10:42

YANBU at all, I hate when people pull this kind of shit. It's just rude.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/01/2025 10:43

"I think they were fine to make arrangements to go to the earlier party with you then the later one."

No, they agreed to spend NYE with OP. That means till 12 at least. They were also the only guests so they knew that leaving early wouldn't really work.

Puffypuffin · 03/01/2025 10:43

Rosiecidar · 01/01/2025 19:43

If it wasn't a party in a posh house that you weren't invited to, would you feel so put out ? If they had just gone home as couldn't get into the pub...I can't help feeling that perhaps there's a bit of jealousy? I think that would be a natural response ? Even you have labelled the thread as "better offer" rather than "other offer".

Does it matter? The OPs 'friends' clearly think it was a better offer or they wouldn't have ditched them.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/01/2025 10:46

arcticpandas · 01/01/2025 16:38

As long as you tell people in advance.

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As soon as they accepted the invitation really because they were the only guests! I presume the etiquette books are talking about bigger parties...

Puffypuffin · 03/01/2025 10:47

skippy67 · 01/01/2025 17:17

I don't think they've done anything wrong. They couldn't get into the pub, let OP know, and went to the party. No biggie. I'm wondering if OP would be so bothered if the party hadn't been in a "big fancy house"...

Ah come one, it obvious they just wanted to go to the other party and came up with some like about not being able to get in. They could have just let the OP know and, as she said, they would have left with them. That's what most people with manners would do.

Rosiecidar · 03/01/2025 11:25

Puffypuffin · 03/01/2025 10:43

Does it matter? The OPs 'friends' clearly think it was a better offer or they wouldn't have ditched them.

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OP checked at the pub and it wasn't letting people get in after 9.30 pm. I think the other couple obviously did want to go to the other party. I don't think it's odd on NYE to accept multiple invites. One NYE I had a dinner party and one of the guests mentioned being invited to an event which had limited tickets and I told him he should go to it - I think that's part of friendship in there being give and take. Ops friends mentioned over dinner the other invite I think it would be different if OP was on her own but she wasn't .

Puffypuffin · 03/01/2025 12:07

Rosiecidar · 03/01/2025 11:25

OP checked at the pub and it wasn't letting people get in after 9.30 pm. I think the other couple obviously did want to go to the other party. I don't think it's odd on NYE to accept multiple invites. One NYE I had a dinner party and one of the guests mentioned being invited to an event which had limited tickets and I told him he should go to it - I think that's part of friendship in there being give and take. Ops friends mentioned over dinner the other invite I think it would be different if OP was on her own but she wasn't .

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I disagree, although it may be usual to have multiple invitations on NYE, if I accept an invitation from friends I don't sack them off for another offer. They could easily have done something else with the OP when they couldn't get into the pub. Particularly when it was their idea to get together in the first place. I think they were rude.

Rosiecidar · 03/01/2025 12:09

Puffypuffin · 03/01/2025 12:07

I disagree, although it may be usual to have multiple invitations on NYE, if I accept an invitation from friends I don't sack them off for another offer. They could easily have done something else with the OP when they couldn't get into the pub. Particularly when it was their idea to get together in the first place. I think they were rude.

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That's the thing about discussions, there isn't a right answer and people can agree or not as is the case.

Grammarnut · 03/01/2025 12:21

Not friends. CFs. Don't invite them again.

Catandsquirrel · 03/01/2025 12:29

My main experience of flakes and 'wait to see what other offers I getters' comes from sacking off a friend who was always a bit like this but fine. I adjusted, always saw her in groups so it wouldn't spoil my plans if she bailed yet again, accepted it was a flaw and didn't bother getting into it with her. However then I was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't ask anything of anyone practically but did appreciate the support of those who gave me a call, a visit or checked in now and again. Just generally, not about anything heavy.

With her it wasn't that she didn't do these things, it was that she would make promises then elaborate excuses to disappear and kick it down the road. Unasked. I have ADHD. I understand disorganisation and overwhelm. She would just ask inappropriate questions and make insensitive jokes then not respond. So off she went (after a chance to discuss).

Your friends on the other hand, have been there during the shitty times. I don't think they handled NYE perfectly, no. In isolation they were fickle and a bit disloyal despite as I say, being just about within the rules, so to speak. However you haven't only met them that once.

I don't think you should tolerate being messed around infinitely either. But I think give them some slack. Don't overreact based on that snapshot. Just accept that they can be that way and maybe do things with a group next time, bring other friends in of yours?