To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

Give over. She spent probably 30 seconds trying to make conversation in a normal way and then gave up.

It only sounds like that because Rude Bloke decided to give monosyllabic answers. Normal conversation doesn't go like that, because it's a back and forth of chatting; responding in more depth, making a little joke, asking questions in return. This bloke just has zero social skills. OP was trying to be inclusive and have a chat. That's how most strangers tend to meet and become friends or acquaintances.

It’s not necessarily the questions you were asking - and I’m assuming for the sake of typing it all out that at the time you were offering more than just questions on your side of the conversation - so after asking how he knew Graham, you offered up your connection and expanded the conversation that way.

But you haven’t mentioned how receptive his body language was to your initial approach - was he smiling and open to you? Giving off ‘happy to chat’ vibes? You can usually gauge that after a quick hello.

You missed a full stop at the end of your sentence. Putting ‘I’ at the beginning and a comma following ‘know’ would have been clearer.

They weren’t there to meet new people, they were there to celebrate a birthday.

You however, were giving the Spanish Inquisition to a complete stranger.

I’d have walked away at this. It’s not 1920, don’t be so formal and just get to know people organically instead of quizzing them.

Why not?

Done it before and have had no issues so far. I obviously don’t make it seem like I’m hitting on them. Would you not compliment a man’s glasses or watch?

I don't think he was rude, just socially inept. Presumably sitting in the corner on his own was what he wanted to do, so he was happy with the result. I think your questions were perfectly normal social chat, OP. You didn't force him to answer anything and moved on when he didn't. It really doesn't have much in common with an interrogation at all.

I think a lot of people absolutely hate speaking to strangers. These are, in my opinion, normal questions and I would be happy to chat! But lots of people are scared or freaked out by the idea of someone they don’t know talking to them 🤷‍♀️

Maybe they need to practise.

Software engineer - what did you expect???

No. I dont think I would notice. All the men I meet are very normcore, for want of a better word. Wear quite plain navy jumpers or Casios.😂 I dont think they will think I am hitting on them. It would just be a bit contrived.

They do if the other person is willing to meet them halfway.

I have no natural confidence and my ability to do small talk naturally is basically non-existent so I've worked bloody hard to learn how to respond to people and ask questions that have half a chance of turning into something interesting and sparking a natural conversation.

Compare: "How do you know Graham?" "Work"

and

"How do you know Graham?"
"We met through work and became friends because we're both really into Tranmere United/abseiling/the early works of Shelley and Keats. How about you?"

The latter opens up the potential to talk about something of interest to you if it sparks with the other person. And at least you've lobbed it back to them and shown basic courteous interest in a person you've been invited to a social gathering with.

If you're not really up for a conversation, then that's up to you. But there are more gracious ways of extricating yourself.

See, I don't know anything about cosplay, but I'd be jolly interested to learn from you at a party!

Just because you find yourself amusing/intelligent/cultured, doesn't mean others do.

Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'

Instead of then continuing rapid fire questions you could have spoken about how you knew him/his wife/how much you love his dog/kids/tattoo or whatever. Actual conversation rather than interrogation.

“oh I met Steve hiking in the Himalayas, we had a great time doing X/Y/Z. This one time when Steve was on cooking duty he burnt the rice, we were all starving!/ Did you hear about him doing a skydive/kayaking/learning French/cordon bleu course? It sounded really scary/interesting, I’d never have the nerve/patience….” or whatever.

But he wasn’t rude? He answered OPs questions, just not in the manner that she wanted.

If you flipped this and it was a man asking a woman question after question, even if they were not interested in going in to detail or asking questions back I bet the answers would be very different!

OP didnt share jokes or Baudelaire so how exactly do you conclude that?

We are now on to the " Making small talk is arrogant" section of MN!

Can you give some examples?

I have social anxiety and would ask questions EXACTLY like the OP. I figured that was how people made conversation :( guess I’m still clueless

I completely agree. I think it’s mad how hostile people have been on this thread towards the idea of someone daring to ask them totally entry level conversation starters as if that’s intrusive/offensive/boring/nosy…

So I was assuming the OP was doing that between her questions but couldn’t be bothered to type it out.

@fanaticalfairy did you just go from monosyllabic answers straight to the next question because that’s a bit odd too.

Actually this is very useful. So, talk about the host? I do do that a bit. Maybe can do it more.

^ this.

they're there to celebrate someone they care about, no be interrogated by a stranger with no social skills. It's not a meet & greet.

@fanaticalfairy , I probably would just make chit chat I
I hate being interrogated, especially if the questions aren't ones that would make me feel like chatting.

Your interrogation would make me feel that you were making conversation for the sake of it.

IRL I generally don't get asked much and I'm quite good at finding people who operate in transmit mode.

I'd probably have a good chat with a s/w engineer but would give a teacher a swerve.

After the first couple of short answers, I think you should realise that he’s not into inane chit chat/inconsequential chatter and doesn’t want to get to know some randomer at a birthday brunch for a mutual. I’m sure you’re lovely, OP, but learn when to leave it alone, it’s not up to you to engage people in conversation if they’re not interested and your decision that he shouldn’t have come out is somewhat offensive.

That’s both rude and bitchy. There’s nothing in what the OP posted to suggest she tried to wow the guy with her wit or erudition.