To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

Well you are assuming unpleasant thoughts on behalf of the OP that you could not possibly prove. Very rude behaviour from you really.

@SalomeOtterbourne if I met you I would talk about Christie and Death on the Nile. That would be our shared passion!. But to get to that we would hwve to do some small talk.

The majority of people aren't actually criticising OPs behaviour at the event. They're criticising her belief that people who are like John should fuck off and not bother going places.

I would say lots are criticising her. As she was apparently interrogating this man.

Some have criticised her method. But as I said, the majority are just telling her that some people prefer less interaction and that they're still allowed to exist in the same space as her.

@Lentilweaver
if I met you I would talk about Christie and Death on the Nile. That would be our shared passion!. But to get to that we would hwve to do some small talk.

As a "collector" of random new hobby eqiupment I think we'd have lots in common.

I started a "craft group" at work so I could justify some of my more outlandish craft buys and gently move them into the craft cupboard...
The craft group is actually designed to get some of the shyer members of the community to come in and chat if they want to, craft if they want to (all small crafts welcome) or just sit and drink coffee/tea and eat biscuits if they want to...

I might suggest LP Hartley's "The Go-Between" as our next bookgroup book.

So I wonder what Graham was thinking when he decided to celebrate his birthday with a brunch. Did he imagine a group of 20 people sitting silently, all focused on him and not attempting to make conversation with each other? Or was he imagining a successful party with lots of laughter and conversation and everyone having a good time? I’d bet it was the second; in which case, everyone who was there ‘for’ Graham should have been trying as hard as they could to make his vision a reality.

Not everyone has to be the life and souls of the party. In fact, it’s best if they aren’t. But everyone should understand that everyone else is trying to play their part in making the occasion a success. There has been some extraordinary hostility expressed here to someone who was just trying to contribute to a social event. She didn’t actually tell John to fuck off: she is venting here.

And if people don’t like big social events in which they might be expected to talk to strangers, why go? Other types of social event are available. I wouldn’t put myself out that much for a work friend’s birthday. I like talking-type parties and lunches but would simply turn down (politely) an invitation to a skating or swimming party or one where a lot of heavy drinking is planned. I wouldn’t make any positive contribution to the event so just wouldn’t go.

My final point, and this is where Graham missed a trick, is the beauty of the ‘plus one’. As a host, if I invite someone to a largish gathering where I know they won’t know anyone else, I will always ask them if they would like to bring a friend. They wouldn’t have to: they could still come on their own or turn down the invitation, but it might help them feel more comfortable.

In essence though, you're doing similar to OP. You're putting your expectations on Graham. Maybe Graham just fancied brunch with people he loves? Maybe Graham did envisage lots of chatting and laughing, but knew John wouldn't be one of them. Maybe he invited John along because he knew John was having a rough time and needed to be around some happy chatting people even if he wasn't one of them. Maybe Graham did envisage it exactly as you're betting, and is wondering what made his usually chatty and outgoings friend John more withdrawn?

You can't assume that everyone wants an event to be like you would. Or that their motives in inviting people are only to make their party a "success". Or that their version of successful matches yours.

Gosh... you really are projecting quite a lot onto some innocent questions there. Not everyone is sitting on the judgemental/paranoid spectrum.

There are quite a few people who are honestly interested in others, and probably just as many who are trying to be polite/break the ice with a fellow guest.

If you're assuming that someone is looking to judge your class, your background and your parents when they ask your name then there is a strong possibility that the issue lies with you.

Honestly, it's a much nicer world when you start from the basic assumption others are acting with good or at least benign intentions, unless they've given you a reason to think otherwise. And no, asking someone at a party their name isn't a signal of malign intent.

Oh come on. There are social norms. If you’re hosting something you have a responsibility to make your guests feel comfortable and enjoy themselves. If you are a guest you have a responsibility to be a ‘good’ guest. I do not have an unusual view of what constitutes a successful social occasion.

And there are ‘rules’ which you either get taught as you grow up (I.e. socialised) or you learn by observing or reading in books — or watching films, TV or plays.

No, she didn’t just ‘see past his gruff exterior’. He changed.

He always had good principles but he was rude and arrogant at first.

I'm shy, ND and prior to kids a software engineer - and have been in OP position a few times.

I assumed it was because I was missing social cues as I was forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Usually was a huge confidence knock that made future interactions harder. However over decades have seen this happen to NT very social people - though they often duck out earlier.

In all case I can think of the person being rude was NT ( obvs to best of my knowledge ) highly skilled socially and thought themselves better connected - so they could get away with being extremely rude. Only seen this backfire a few times - when turns out person they were being rude to was closer or somehow more socially important and its been amusing to watch them try an turn it round.

Essentially OP you were deemed not worth of talking to and they were using rudeness and lack of interaction to make you go away.

Their reasons for being out differed to yours - they weren't there to be social to everyone. Either they were there under protest or there to socialise with people they already knew - their goals differed to yours.

I think you just have to try and pick up the fuck off vibes earlier or be thicker skinned and brush it off more easily.

Those "happy chatting people" that John maybe needed to be around require that people interact with them in a similar style. They can't do it standing there on their own. Creating this kind of atmosphere is a collaborate act, and one that takes effort.

I don't think John should have stayed at home. He can sit in the corner and watch if that is what he wants to do. But I also don't think the OP did anything wrong with trying to interact with him, and I think it is understandable that she found it frustrating that he made so little effort to chat back to her.

Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
John Thinks : why is this random asking me how much I earn, I think that's a bit rude

This is just odd - asking you area of interest it not in any way asking how much money you earn. It's trying to find common ground or an area of passion/interest they might like to talk about.

DH does this a lot - he in this area but in HE and it often leads to interesting conversations where he learns stuff or introduces new ideas or they find mutual acquaintances experiences which lead to conversation flowing and bouncing to new topics.

This is a perfect example of a MN post - it’s hilarious but also sad to think that people over analyse perfectly normal interactions in this way. Life must be utterly exhausting.

But people are not robots. Sometimes they have bad days. Some behave differently to others. And that's ok. OP suggesting that they fuck off is not.

Sounds like it was John who wanted you to fuck off 😂

He was there for his mate not to talk to some airhead thinking they are the Spanish inquisition u sound like the type of person i would run a mile from at any event i was stuck at

But OP didn't actually tel anyone to fuck off, did she? She is questioning why somebody who didn't want to have any social interaction chose to attend a social.event where that was likely to be a part.of the scenario. It's a valid question...

As for describing a few simple questions as 'social mining'.😂Priceless. An all-time MN classic.

Didn't want to engage in 20 questions with her, does not equal not wanting to have any social interaction.

Aah he sounds like my son. He's a very lovely IT nerd currently at uni. Very very intelligent and interesting to talk to when you know him but his social skills in situations like this are lacking. He knows it, but it just doesn't come naturally to him at all because he doesn't know why other people who he probably won't meet again want to know such inane things about him. It's small talk to him. If you were to talk about something he finds interesting eg engineering, US politics, wine, travel, he'd probably have something to say. My son actually HASN'T got a holiday booked for this year, incidentally, if you had asked him that, but did travel last year, but you didn't ask him about last year and he is very literal in how he listens to questions.

TBH, your social skills seem quite basic too. It's a skill to draw out the inner thoughts of someone like that. You didn't expand on anything you had to say either and so the conversation had nowhere to go. If this guy was shy, it would be a help if you had taken the lead for a few minutes and talked more about things and let him listen, process and think. You could have just told him about YOUR holiday plans for this year, told him where you went last year or about where you'd like to go money no object, and this could have sparked some interest from this guy and given him an actual starting topic of discussion.

When you asked him about what type of software engineering he works in you could have said "oh come on, I'm a code nerd, too, it's all interesting to me. My current project is X/y/z, do you have any experience of that? I'm struggling with this aspect of it." Would have just given him more of an "in", and helped him to start to relax if he was a bit shy and anxious.

Incidentally, my son has a lovely girlfriend, who DOES see the inner him. They complement each other very well, and feel comfy just being themselves. But it takes a bit of effort to know someone who "runs a bit deeper". Depends if you can be bothered. Some people can't, and they're more comfy with others like them who can just chat shit lol.

If you think that is an inquisition, how do you cope in social settings? And ‘airhead’? Some of the socially insecure people here are pretty offensive to others who are just being friendly!

I don’t know how some of these people cope at work, or have friends. It’s mind-blowing. And I don’t believe they are all ND either.

The OP wasn’t trying to become best buddies with a teenage boy, she was attempting small talk with an adult in a social situation. Calling it ‘chatting shit’ doesn’t make you superior, nor does pretending it was an interrogation. ‘What do you do?’ and ‘how do you know the host?’ are safe inoffensive opening gambits in polite society. Only the rude and unkind could pretend to take offence at such innocuous queries.

Sometimes, if Im feeling brave, I ask them "is there anything you'd like to know about me?" and they always answer no! It's bizzare!

What?? 😂