To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

Are you wanting to interact with them socially when on the singing break?

The reason for the defensive comments on here isn't because the OP tried to interact with someone, it's their attitude towards the person. For me, the thread title says it all, if the OP was more warming then I do believe the comments would have been different.

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with trying to talk to others in social situations. I don't mind people trying to talk to my son who has selective mutism, obviously you don't know unless you try. What I ask for is politeness and not assume he is being rude and basically told he should never attend anything.

Whatever their reasons for attending the event, it's still rude, ungracious and cloddish to respond with one-syllable, one-way answers.

@Wheelz46 I would at least want to ask their names, tell them mine and make some polite but clearly dull chit chat. Wont be asking anyone about their work.😯
I don't think the thread title was wise, but I also think there was a pile on from the very first response.

I’m with you, OP. This reminds me of a speed dating event I went to years ago. One man was so obnoxious and rude, and I really regret that I was polite and made conversation, I should have just sat there in silence. I hope he has a sad little life now.

It's the thread title that put me off putting anything constructive to the OP and might also be the reason for the defensive comments at the start.

Honestly there is nothing wrong with going and introducing yourself and making small talk with others. I actually appreciate others trying to interact with my child who has social anxiety with the hope that it may release the anxiety within him. What I don't like to see is thread titles such as this basically saying he shouldn't be there and should stay home when actually just attending such an event was an achievement itself.

Presumably the birthday invited his friends to the event. He KNOWS his friends and will be aware of their quirks. If the inviter clearly wants all of his friends at his birthday celebration and wants them all to enjoy themselves then YOU don't get to decide whether they should have stayed locked up in the cupboard because they don't pass the "Fairy Rules of Social Engagement test". They owe YOU nothing.

PS Asking "And what do you do?" makes you sound like the late Prince Philip.

PPS Lots of people now use some kind of social media pre-event group chat thing, ostensibly to provide answers to questions related to the event (a location map, transport solutions, etc) but it also allows attendees to get to know each other beforehand.

PPS A twee but sometimes useful thing can be a card-based game (or similar) on the table which will sometimes help the hopelessly shy to join in chatter, without having to reveal anything about themselves that they might not want to.

PPPS Most of your "getting to know you questions" are outdated class -based signifiers, which help the asker to skewer the askee precisely onto their internal noticeboard of social worth... the askee may not be aware that that is the purpose of your questions (and therefore answers honestly and will be discarded as "not your sort of person"). or is all to aware and answers like your example here (and is much more quickly recognised as "not our sort of person")

That's why you feel cross, because the askee knew what you were doing and refused to play along.

HTH.
An arranger of events for goths, programmers and the socially awkward...

I really don't think card games would go down well as an ice breaker.
There are times when I have really wished for a name badge even at informal events because I have an unfamiliar foreign name. I don't mind repeating it several times though.

By card-games i mean the exploding kittens type, not bridge.

I love Exploding Kittens and have played it in a games group. ( As is apparent, I am a compulsive joiner of hobby groups). I still don't think it would appeal to the socially anxious.

Exactly. My patience has run out. I am very good at making people feel welcome but I am not doing it any more. On MN people seem very socially inept.

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?

That’s not the purpose of the event though. The purpose is to celebrate Graham’s birthday. You have tried to make it about you instead by trying to turn it into a form of ‘friend speed dating’. I would have thought you had gone mad if I was Steve.

Some people want to make friends, some don’t as they have a full ‘friend card’ and some are only interested if there is genuinely something in common which is determined otherwise organically and not via the chit chat example in the OP. Social skills is determining which of the three groups someone falls into, not be forcing conversation when it may not be wanted.

True, it doesn't always work. But there are other ways of subtly getting people who will otherwise feel out of their depth to join in, without bombarding them with personal questions. (I did themed colouring sheet placemats once, which worked quite well, but you do have to know your audience...)

This concept of the full friend card sounds like the full dance card in Austen. I am not trying to be besties with everyone or even befriend them
. I just don't want to only talk to people I know or sit staring at my plate or waiting for a busy host to introduce.

Hence the pre-event Social media group...

Imagine having to take cards to a birthday brunch in case everyone is socially awkward.

Those card games can be fun - you should try it some time.

I find a lot of these discussions are ‘one way’. That the (allegedly) autistic person’s needs always trumps those of others. They are allowed to criticise NT people’s behaviour though.

Autism or not, trying to chat to someone and make them feel welcome, and them effectively ignoring you, can make the ‘chatter’ feel really awkward or embarrassed or rejected. Do their feelings never matter?

Well indeed, so you start chatting naturally to the person sitting talking to nobody. There is no expectation of being besties or making a new friend. It's like when you're on a table with strangers at a wedding or similar, you chat for the duration of the event and mever see them again.

No thanks. I know card games can be fun. Taking them along to a birthday brunch would be a little strange to me.

Imagine believing that you are more important than the person who the event is for! How rude!

For those that don't know what is going on here:

Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me Thinks : He had conventional parents who gave him a conventional middle-class name

Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me Thinks : Who the fuck is Steve, Oh yes he's the one in [another department with the Ferrari, this conversation is worth continuing]

Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me Thinks : This is hard work, but what would Hyacinth do?

Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me Thinks : This is the how much do you earn question, this could go either way

Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
John Thinks : why is this random asking me how much I earn, I think that's a bit rude

Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
Me Thinks : If it's Skegness I'm not interested, if it's Capri he's definitely a person to add to the little black book

John: "No."Tumble weed
John Thinks : I can see what you're doing, and I don't have to continue answering your stupid questions...

Where do you live?(How much is your house worth)
Did you go to school with Steve? (Steve went to Eton)

That's a lot of social mining you're doing

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

And as long as you don't have to deal with people who don't behave like you, that's the main thing right? People different from you can't go to things for their own reasons, in case they make you feel uncomfortable by simply existing?

Seriously try thinking about your expectations of other people and whether it's unreasonable for them to want to just be somewhere, for their own reasons, without having to make sure a stranger is happy?

Ah well, this says far more about the chips on your shoulder than anything else.

I think you may overthink things...

I am astonished at this level of overthinking and paranoia. I really am.
No one is analysing you to that extent.

@JapanOneDay Ah well, this says far more about the chips on your shoulder than anything else.

People really don't like it when you explain what's actually going on do they?